Ohmigod…Safety Tries To Return!

I fucking shit you not.  Just a few minutes ago this exchange took place via text message with Safety.  I saved the texts so I could share them with you all, because it is too delicious not to share!

S:  Too bad you don’t want to do anything

Me:  I was all for meeting you.  YOU didn’t want to do anything.

S:  I did.  I really wanted to.  Just didn’t know where to go.  (FUCKING REALLY???  I still can’t even BELIEVE this is a valid excuse)

Me:  Well, your loss.  If you really wanted to meet up, you would have figured it out.  Or not have shot down everything I threw out at you.  I even changed my FUCKING normal Thursday plans.  And I told you this.  The few people I have told about this are completely fucking dumbfounded.  No one says ‘I can’t think of anything’.  NO ONE.  It’s fucking embarrassing.

And he hasn’t responded.  I don’t expect to hear back, but on the flip side I can’t believe he had the nerve to fucking write me in the first place…and it wasn’t even a fucking APOLOGY.  Christ…where are all of the real men???

Love, Esme

The Holidays Brings Out The Douchebags

Since I am drunk, I am co-writing this post with my sorority sister Dagny, dear skanks.  We do practice the art of lingerie pillow fights on a regular basis.   Just ask her highly hot husband-who we allow to watch on occasison-when he is good.  However, I digress…

The holidays seem the bring out the douche-baggery on all men this time of year.  INDEED.  Case in point…

Mr. Hottie.  Remember him?  I know you do dear fuckers.  He was the best sex I HAVE EVER HAD.   HOWEVER…this does not mean I will not give up my morals.  Mr. Hottie found out I am in Old State this weekend.  I received a text message from him asking about getting together earlier next week.  Silly me…I responded lunch on Monday is good   The response?  “Lunch?  That is how you gonna do me?  After all we been thru?  Lunch?  I may have to work!!!!”  Ummmmmm…….I responded back “You are engaged, and I thought that meant you were going straight.   Lunch is all I will do.”  His response “I will have to see”.  DOUCHEBAG NUMBER 1.

And sad enough, dear hookers, that is not all…for this skank seems to attract a whole bunch of fuckers.  Yes, you read that right.  Fish…you remember Fish?  I thought we were done with him.  Apparently he can’t take a God-damned hint.  On Thanksgiving: “I am so thankful to have you in my life.  I want to be the one to make you smile.”  My response?  “Thx.”  Get a fucking grip dude.  I have already told you, when you asked me if I saw us dating, I said NO.  STOP TEXTING ME!!!  Douchebag number 2.

And the Doctor.  Ahhh…the Doctor…where does one begin when one talks about the FUCKING DOCTOR???  Leave me the fuck alone.  I have told him repeatedly to stop contacting me.  The day before Thanksgiving he asked once more if we were meeting on Sunday.  Hell-to-the-mutha-fucken-NO!  Once again I threatened police involvement if he contacted me anymore…we will see if it works.  Douchebag number 3.

Safety is the last stalker on my fucking list.   Jealous?  Don’t be.  I’m having a problem keeping them apart.  All of the sudden I heard from him them other day, After the whole “I got nothing” fiasco.  The text message (I FUCKING HATE TEXT MESSAGES) said “Send me a pic”.  I didn’t respond.  A while later another said “Please”.  Still no response from me.  A while after that I received a sad face.  About three hours later I sent a text that said “I’m sorry, but I do not send pictures of myself via text message.  Especially to guys that can not get off their ass to meet me in person.. Have a great night.”  I have not heard from him since, and  hope not to.  Douchebag number 4.

So, there is my douchebag list of 2010.  I really hope I do not add to it before the end of the year.  I realize that the holidays are a lonely fucking time, but if I manage to get myself through it without leaning against some fucking ass-hat I dated in high school or college or met off the internet.  Don’t lean on me.  Go douchebag on someone else!

And for all who care, I promise  Sexy post is coming soon… and it is FUCKING GREAT

Amore, Esme

Remember Safety? So Done…

Some of you may remember Safety.  We began e-mailing a number of months ago, after meeting on the internet.  Sigh…I am truly calling an end to this internet dating thing.  But let me wrap up all of the loose ends…

According to Safety, he travels extensively for work.  To the point where he is home only a few days at a time, then is gone for weeks on end.

Yesterday he text messages me, tells me he is home, and is leaving again in the morning, would I like to finally meet up.  Thursdays are notoriously bad for me, but I was actually eager to meet this guy after all of these months.  I told him tonight would be great, and I cancelled my plans.  Shame on me.

I asked him what it is he wanted to do, and he said ‘I don’t know’.  Hmmm…I asked if he had any ideas what-so-ever.  He said ‘None’.  This is my absolute pet peeve.  Don’t ask me the fuck out, then don’t have any fucking idea of what you want to do.  It does not fly with me.

I was trying my best.  I offered several suggestions.  Dinner?  No, I don’t feel like eating.  Walk along the beach?  No, I don’t feel like walking.  What the fuck?? He didn’t even counter with anything, just shot down every suggestion I had.  I finally had it.

You know what, Safety?  I am playing the girl card here.  You asked me out, so you figure out what you want to do.  Get on the internet, research it, call your friends, whatever you need to do.  You tell me where you want to go, and I will meet you wherever at seven o’clock tonight.

A couple of hours later I actually received this text message:  I can’t come up with anything.

My response:  Fine.

I truly hope this guy never contacts me again.  Who in the hell does that?  Am I wrong in being upset, or even fed-up over this?  If you are going to ask me out, at least have an idea of what you want to do!  Any why in the hell is a drink and a walk such a bad thing?  Fuck this guy…he probably had a closet full of Ed Hardy clothes and thinks Criss Angel is the next coming of Christ.

Good Lord dating is taking up way too much of my energy…I think I am just going to look for a fuck buddy instead…

Much love, Esme

Update On Yours Truly

Hello all in Blogland,

I have so much to write about, and so much to catch you guys up on.  I am still in my convalescence (always wanted to use that word) and for the most part can’t form a coherent thought, much less a paragraph that can make sense.  I try to write  little bit, but it doesn’t make much of an impression when I read it later on.

I am still feeling the effects of the meningitis.  I have been in and out of the hospital on quite a few occasions.  I have had some horrible mood swings.  Happy one minute, crying the next.  And this disease really couldn’t have come at a worse time.  I was supposed to start school this week, and have been unable to do so.  So, that hasn’t helped my mood swings much.  Brain swelling sucks.

Poor Nice Guy has been on the receiving end of my hysterical phone calls.  God bless him, he has handled it like a pro.  I really wish he lived closer…I truly miss him.  Doctor will send a text every once in a while asking how I am doing, but doesn’t seem to take much of an interest.  Not sure if that is fact or just my perception.  There is a new guy in the mix as well…let me see if I can get this across in a lucid manner!

Throughout all of my moves in the last 6 months, I have kept up my online dating profile.  I have made some friends off of it, and friends are never a bad thing.  About a week ago I received a message that said:

Hope you had a great day, Safety

I was a guest at the hospital that night, and wrote back:

I’ve had better, Esme

I have to say, I did not expect to hear back from Safety (so named due to his response when I asked what he did for a living).  But he surprised me.  He wrote back almost immediately.  After a few days of e-mailing, he offered up his phone number.  He assured me he wasn’t crazy, wasn’t a stalker, that he was a normal guy and wouldn’t texting (we could hold off on the phone calls until I was comfortable) be easier?  Since I am kinda heading back to my old-fashioned upbringing, I responded with my phone number.  I don’t make contact first.  I’m starting to take my Grandma’s words to heart.

5 minutes later my phone dings.  It’s Safety.  I actually got a little giddy.  When is the last time that happened?  Here is just a little bit of a background on Safety:

He is in his mid 30’s.  He used to be a firemedic, but now works in ‘safety’ (my guess is FBI, CIA-he can’t discuss his job/or he is a total bull-shitter).  He has an 11 year-old from a previous marriage.  He married his high school sweetheart, and was divorced 2 years later.  He hasn’t dated anyone seriously in 4 years.  He travels A LOT for his job, as in we won’t be able to meet face-to-face for 2 weeks.  He says he can choose not to travel, but has never met someone worth giving it up for.  He has sent me a couple of self-taken cell-phone pics, and if I had a type he would be it.  Dark hair, muscular with some meat on his bones, sexy smirk.  We will see what happens.  Like I said, we won’t be able to meet for a couple of weeks.  It could all fizzle out before then.

Well, my pain meds are kicking in, so I better sign off before I begin to ramble incoherently.   My docs say it could be two weeks to two months before I start to feel back to normal again.  I say normal is a relative term…but not having a headache every minute of the day would be nice…

Love, Esme