Archive | September, 2011

The Goings-On of Esme

29 Sep

Do not only do I have the shoulder thing to deal with-which is nowhere closer to be resolved, I have so much more on my plate that should never be an issue. Oh so much more.

I never heard from the cop I worked with again, which I am ok with because of everything else going on. One day I will take the time to fume over the audacity of that duchero. But not now.

I am back in contact with M. Not to date, not to reminisce, and not to get laid. Because my car needs to be fixed, and I trust him. If course, the minute I saw him, I wanted to rip his clothes off. And he looked at me like I was lunch. But there was no touching, no impulse acts. I’m proud of us, but I did find I still love him.

So why did I mention M? Because of this.

Remember my girl Sunday? Drama has ensued, and I have no idea why or how. Sunday is going through a lot of shit in her own right. But this I can’t over-look.

She came over to visit one night, a night I was in a great deal of pain. It was over labor day weekend, and I wasn’t going to be able to refill my medication prescription due to said holiday. I had six pills left, and was going to need each and every one. After Sunday left, I went to take a pill. I only had two left in the bottle. Son of a bitch.

I didn’t know how to handle this. I stayed up all night with Will, discussing my options. Discussing my anger. Discussing my outrage.

It turns out I never had to discuss it with her, because she decided to cause more problems. She began texting Will, telling him I have a drug problem and I may be stealing meds. She also told him she was thinking about planning an intervention. Excuse me, deflecting much?? Of course, Will kept me appraised of what was going on. Why would he do that? Because he knows I have no problem, and he knows Sunday as well as I do…she can cause one hell of a problem.

Sunday did a great job of deflecting. She tried to cause problems between my roommate and I. (She failed to realize how close we are). She would text me and tell me ‘everyone is telling’ her I’m mad at her, quite a feat since I’ve talked to no one but Will about her. She was supposed to pick me up for a court appearance (my ex and I are back in a custody dispute) since I’m not driving. Sunday failed to show, and failed to call. I ended up having to drive and risk a DUI since I took medicine because she was supposed to drive me. I was pissed, but I was concerned about her. I called, I texted, I never heard back.

A few days later, Sunday had the audacity to text me, bitching me out for not trying to contact her when I know she is ‘going through a really difficult time’ in her life. Now I was just pissed. No more concern, just pissed. I reminded, as nicely as possible, that I tried to get a hold of her on the day she failed to take me somewhere after she promised. Then she started more problems.

She began trying to throw mutual friends of ours under the bus. Sarah said you were mad at me. I call Sarah, Sarah hasn’t seen Sunday, nor have I discussed Sunday with her. John said you said I betrayed you. I called John, John hasn’t seen Sunday since last winter, nor have I discussed Sunday with him. Then the worst one: M said you said you were mad at me. What. The. Fuck.

M did me a favor and worked on Sunday’s car for her, charging only for parts. (Remember that this is M’s business. He is a master mechanic, and normally charges a lot of money). He told her that the problem was so bad, it would take several times, and several things, to completely fix it. He did the first part of her car, and told her to bring it back in a few weeks. Instead of taking her car back to M, she took it to another mechanic, who charged her a lot of money. Money she now wants M to pay. Make sense? Doesn’t to me either.

I called M after I received that last text. The first time I had talked to him since we went away for that night. I had no previous knowledge of the car issue they had.

Why the fuck would I say anything about you? You have nothing to do with your fucked up friend. I would never say anything like that. And I haven’t even talked to you in weeks.

There was a time I would have believed Sunday over M, but lately that its not the case. After many false accusations against other friends, after the stealing of my meds, after not showing up to take me to court knowing I’m not supposed to drive, after accusing me of not caring even though I tried to contact her because I wad worried about her mental health…after the many times I have dropped everything I was doing to go pick up one of her kids or take care of a kid during a medical issue or dropping what was going on in my life to listen to her problems…I’m done. I can’t keep doing this with her. She accuses, I figure out she is lying, and the cycle continues. And all of this started because she was trying to deflect the fact she stole my pain medicine. She needs help, but right now I can’t be the one to give it to her. I’m hurt. I need a break. And I need to let go of my anger.

And Sunday decided to do all of this when I am in pain and trying to get my surgery approved. When I am in the middle of a very heated, very nasty custody battle. Nope, I can’t focus on someone who injects poison into my life. I need positive.

Love, Esme


Music+Memories=Not Always A Good Time

20 Sep

This week hasn’t been a great one.  And the awesomeness of it was cumulated yesterday when I found out the my surgery has been postponed.  The surgery that took weeks to schedule.  Why was it postponed?  Because workman’s comp failed miserably at doing their job.  Absolutely fucking miserably.  Apparently there was particular paperwork to be filed, and my original adjuster dropped the ball.  So while she is being investigated, they have to re-investigate my claim.  So basically it has to start all over.  Fucking phenomenally awesome.  Am I the only one this shit happens to?  I just want to go back to work!!!!!

Now back to my originally scheduled post.

I am one of those people who puts music to memories.  I doubt I am the only one out there who does.  Music can make me feel happy, sad, enraged, content.  A certain song can open an absolute floodgate of memories and emotions.  Some are welcome, some are not.  A lot of time I will associate a memory with what is playing on my iPod when a particular event happens.  Sometimes a hear a song and I could have written it word for word based on an event that happened.  Sometimes there is no good reason as to why a song reminds me of something that has happened.  And I seem to like the word ‘happened’ today.

I was listening to my iPod when this song played:

I’ve posted this song in the past.  It reminds me word for word of M.  I cried for the first time over him in weeks.  And I think I needed it.  I have been asked out on a number of dates recently, and I have turned all of them down.  M still occupies too much of my heart.  I know that if I do date someone right now, I won’t give the date a fair shot.  I’ll just keep enjoying my Medic time thankyouverymuch.

The only other guy I ever cried over was Perfect.  We had a tumultuous relationship, which you can read about by clicking his tag.  The feelings I had in that relationship were exponentially worse than they should have been, given the fact it was the first relationship after my divorce.  I listened to this song to make me feel better:

But soon after, I was listening to this one:

When I finally am lucky enough to meet my Mr. Right, this is the song that will have to be sung to him (not by me, as I am a horrific singer.  But by someone else for me):

This next one I dedicate to my ex-husband.  If it weren’t for all of the shit he put me through, I wouldn’t be the person I am today:

This song reminds me of my grandmother:

I dedicate this song to all of the men that have dicked me over-LOVE IT.  Listen to the words, and you will see why:

Every time I hear this song it gets me in the mood for a little bit of Medic:

I fell in love with this song after watching Ladder 49 (which almost made me quit the academy!).  When I had to fill out the department ‘In case you die in the line of duty’ paperwork, I only had two requests: an all female honor guard and this song.  This song reminds me of the sacrifice of those before me (personally and professionally).  And it gives me solace that I am being watched over:

There are so many songs, so many memories.  I leave you with just one more.  So often I am told by well-meaning friends that if I just change a little I would have better luck with dating.  What they fail to realize is this-the last time I compromised myself, I wound up in an abusive marriage.  I will never again change anything.  I will never hide anything.  I very much love who I am.  I am perfect:

Much love,


A Distraction

15 Sep

The cop still hasn’t asked me out on a date, and for the most part has tapered off communication.  So I’m done.  The last thing I am is desperate.  As much as I would love to meet up with him (again), I am not going to wait around and/or beg him to go out with me.  I made it perfectly clear, once and once only, that I want to see him.  I don’t need to reiterate it.

Plus I have a little problem still anyways.

I feel a little guilty trying to date again because I still have feelings for M.

I know they will eventually go away, it will just take some time.  I hope he thinks about me all of the damn time.  Is that wrong to think?  I don’t fucking think so.  I just wish the memories and the pain would go away.

Since M has been on my mind lately, I knew I needed a distraction.

Dum dum duuuuummmmmm…that’s right, enter Medic stage left.

Medic has been texting me for the last week or two, and I have been turning him down.  I was too busy feeling girlie emotions.  Sooo…I decided it was high time to put an end to that bull shit.  Plus I really wanted to get laid.

Medic is easy for me.  There is absolutely no pretense between us.  There is no pretending on why we are getting together.  The texts we send say things like You should come over, I want to get laid. or I want to come over, and you are going to rock my world.  There is no mistaking what we are looking for, or what we want from each other.  Sometimes it is just sex, and other times it is a day-long affair of drinking, talking, than sex.

Today was one of those day-long affairs.  He humored me because I am so very bored.  Plus, Will is out-of-town on business, so I had our place to myself.  He brought the beer, I bought the pizza.  We watched Dodgeball.  We caught each other up on gossip.  Then, and only then, did we get down to business.

Medic had to leave right after, he had to go play volleyball for his department.  I was actually sad to see him leave-I still wanted more sex, and more fun time.  But it was not meant to be.  He gave me a hug and told me he would be over next weekend, and I could have all the time I wanted.  I broke the embrace and just stared at him.  Do we really not talk much about our personal lives?  Apparently not.  Medic, I go into surgery next Thursday.  I won’t be anywhere NEAR ready for sex next weekend.

Well shit, he replied.  Is Will gone any other days before then?  I shook my head.  Then you are just going to have to come to me before then.  I’ll give you enough to last on while you recover some.

Well shit.  I think I will.

Love, Esme


10 Sep

Ten years ago, I was not a firefighter/paramedic.

Ten years ago, I was holding my one month old, watching the horrific events unfold.

Ten years ago, I had no idea that one day I would be a part of this exclusive fraternity.

Now that I am a part of it, I wonder if I could have done the same thing.

Could I have run up flight after flight of stairs?  Could I have directed people to leave the inferno I was willingly running into?

Could I come out with a patient, drop him off, and go back in?

On 9/11/01 I lost 343 brothers, all who preformed selfless acts of heroism.

343 made the ultimate sacrifice that day.

Thousand more took time from their family and friends to help the fallen.  Hundreds of those are now sick with specific diseases.

Many tears were shed.  Many great lives were lost.  Heroes are not supposed to fall.

I’d like to think I could give the ultimate sacrifice.  Give whatever is needed of myself to save someone I don’t know.

The events of September 11, 2001 forever changed the course of my life.  I will never forget those who went before me.  All 343 of them.  God bless.

I do realize more than just 343 lives were taken that day.  Police, Port Authority, civilians.  May God bless all of them.

Images taken from LIFE magazine and Google images.

For Shits and Grins

8 Sep

I am so damned bored.  Very bored.  Super incredibly bored.  My surgery isn’t scheduled for another two weeks, and most of my hobbies call for two working arms.  I rent a lot of videos.  I DVR a lot of TV.  I read a lot of books.  But I am so bored.

So what do I do?  I fire up the old internet dating profile.  It’s free entertainment, and gives me something to write about.

Lo and behold, I get a message from someone I am remotely acquainted with.

Four years ago I was a medic in the City.  One of the stations I was assigned to was shared with the police department.  We shared a workout room with them, it was located on our apparatus floor.  Every few days I would see this cop running on the treadmill.  Whether it was 20 degrees outside, or 100, he faithfully ran 10 miles.  Six feet, bald, tattooed arms, and built like a brick shithouse.  All muscled and strong-looking.  He would be running when we left for calls, and still be running when we returned.  I used to tease him that if he passed out, I couldn’t lift him off the floor.  I never felt unsafe when he showed up on scene.  He was a protector of the unarmed, and kept everything calm and safe.

So I received a message, just saying hello hope to hear back from you kind of thing.  I didn’t recognize him, but I loved his smile so I answered.  He finally asked me if I remembered him.  Once he explained who he was, the lightbulb lit up above my head.  Hell yes I remembered who he was.

We have been talking for a couple of weeks, but have not been able to meet up yet.  (He has to work extra due to the 9/11 ten-year-versary.  I think every city is on high alert.)

I am really hoping to meet before I must have surgery.  I am very interested to see where this could go.  Neither of us is interested in getting remarried.  Neither of us is expecting anything.  I enjoy hearing from him, I enjoy talking to him, and I was comfortable with him when I was on a scene with him.  But we won’t know anything until we can finally meet.  Again.

I am cautiously optimistic we will meet up.  I think once we do, it’s anyone’s guess.

Love, Esme


4 Sep

I just got the most random e-mail from Perfect.  ‘Memba him?  for all those who don’t, click the tag to your right.  But a quick overview:

  • He was the first guy I dated after my divorce.
  • He had two girls I fell in love with.
  • He had a crazy (legitly crazy) ex-wife he decided to give a second chance to, called me while I was on shift to let me know.
  • He called a week later and told me he made a mistake.
  • We never officially dated again, because I wouldn’t allow it.  But we had dinners with our families, and we sometimes spent the night at each other’s places.
  • What stopped us from being friends was an argument where he called me disgusting, vile names.  I told him to fuck off, and I never talked to him again

So the e-mail.  He found me on Facebook, quite a feat because I changed my last name.

He wrote to ask for my forgiveness.

He told me that he can now admit that he had strong feelings for me.  And he only realizes it because God has given him another amazing woman, that he married, and this time he was able to see it.  And act on it.

Well shit.

I don’t hate him anymore, because I just don’t have the energy to hate him anymore.  I have enough other things to deal with.  So if he needs to hear that I don’t hate him so he can move on in his perfect little existence, then so be it.  I let him know.

Now here is what pisses me off.  Yet another douchero man in my life has met someone, and settled down.  Yet another one that treated me like shit, and then told me I was UH-MAY-ZING and that some day I will find a man who will appreciate me, has found their soul mate.  What the fuck?!?!?

How is it I can’t even get to date four?  Or find anyone who appreciates me?  This makes sense how??

Fuck this dating/man thing.  OK, not really, but I am in pain, and I am super fucking frustrated.  What’s next, an e-mail from Nice Guy?  I can’t deal with this shit right now.

Love, Esme