Archive | October, 2009

Revisiting You

27 Oct

Dear Mr. Hottie,

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” -Anon

Well,  I seem to be in the habit of revisiting men.  And I have to say, I definitely don’t mind revisiting you.  We have been talking, a lot.  You did eventually let me know that you were no longer going to be a dad.  I am sure I knew what that meant, I didn’t need to ask for clarification.  It wasn’t my business.  I let it go.

We continued to converse often.  Last week I wound up in the emergency room due to a hellacious migraine.  One I was trying to ignore for the previous week…one I had let go too long.  I had called you, asked if you could come pick me up from the hospital.  You couldn’t, and you felt horrible about it.  I told you if you felt that guilty, you could come over later.  Bring me beer, give me a neck massage, and snuggle with me on the couch. You laughed, and said it sounded like a plan.

We both knew what would happen when you came over.  It had been 8 weeks since we had been alone in a room together, but I knew none of that sexual energy had dissipated.  I cleaned up some, put on a tank top that showed adequate cleavage and lounge pants.  Put my hair in pigtails (because that drives you crazy) and waited for your arrival.

You almost didn’t come.  At nine o’clock, you text messaged me and told me you were still caught up at work.  You were contemplating staying late, getting as much done as you can.  I knew I was going to have to play hard ball if I was going to get you over here.  I wasn’t going to back down.  I was looking forward to it, and I was going to get it.

My text:  Are you really turning me down? Lame…I even shaved and everything…your loss

Your text:  Did you shave it all?

My text:  Just for you

Your text:  I think I will be filling your hole tonight 😉

Score for me.

An hour later my doorbell rings.  I go answer, after fluffing up my breasts in the hallway.  The sight that beholds me makes my breath catch in my throat.  I had forgotten how completely gorgeous you are.  You were propped up against the side of the door jamb, one leg crossed over the other very casually, looking like you just stepped out of the pages of GQ.  I let you in and lead you back to my bedroom.  Damn girl, you say.  Not even a hello?  Ha, I retort.  I am all moved in now.  I have a TV in my room and everything.

We sat on my bed, had a few beers, watched some TV.  We caught up on the last 8 weeks.  We talked about everything, nothing was off-limits.  All the while, there was some serious eye-fucking going on.  But we held off.  We continued talking.  I asked you something I had wanted to ask any guy who knew me.  We were always honest with each other, and I knew you would be honest now.

Me:  Mr. Hottie, can I ask you something?  Serious answer, here.

You:  Sure.  You know you can ask me anything.

Me:  How come I am so awesome, pretty, amazing, wonderful, anything any guy could ever want…but I keep getting left for other women?

You:  I never left you for another woman, Esme. (you said as you stroked my face)  It was just some seriously bad circumstances.

Me:  No, I know that.  But it is like guys don’t want a girl who can be their lover, and their best friend.

You:  I don’t know.  You are all those things.  The men that left you are douchebags.  They didn’t appreciate what they had.

I smiled.  I do love the relationship we have.  It is so comfortable.  So honest.  So refreshing.  We both get what we want, and we both have no expectations.  We can sit and converse for hours.  Or we can go watch the ballgame at the bar.  Or we can get down and dirty for a couple of hours.  Neither one of us has any feelings other than friendship for each other.

You finally stood up, took off your fleece zip-up, and settled yourself between my legs.  I leaned back against the pile of pillows I had gathered at the head of my bed and smiled.  You want it, don’t you? You asked me.  I nodded my head, unable to answer.  Oh God, I loved your dominating nature in bed.  I loved the way you can render my mind completely useless.  I loved the reaction my body had to your nearness.  You rained kisses on my face, trailed down my neck.  Your fingers expertly touched all the right spots, remembering where to go.  You were taking your time, not moving fast enough for me.  I pulled your hair.  I raised my hips to meet yours, and you just chuckled at me.  Easy Esme, you said.  We have all night.  Let’s just enjoy this…

You did not disappoint me.  All I had to do was lay back and enjoy what you had to offer.  You brought me over the edge so many times, I was thoroughly spent by the time you were done.  I couldn’t form one coherent thought.  You kept asking questions, trying to have a conversation, and all I could do was say “what?”.

As I started to come down from my high, I turned to you and demanded to know why it had been 8 weeks since we have had sex.  You again chuckled (which is damn sexy, by the way), kissed the bridge of my nose, and said you have been busy.  I sighed as I watched you get up and get dressed.  I got dressed and walked you to the door.  You gave me a lingering hug, an ass grab, and a very hot kiss.  You assured me it wouldn’t be so long next time.

And it wasn’t…

Love, Esme

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Match.com

22 Oct

Dear Match.com,

Suck it.  You have matched me with no one, and the only people that have winked or written are either in their 40’s (way to old) or early 20’s (and I have no desire to be a cougar).  I am so done with you.

But on a side note, congrats to Monique, who met someone there!

Love, Esme

The Audacity

16 Oct

Dear Perfect,

You actually had the audacity to text me today and ask me if I was still planning on attending your daughters birthday party.

Congratulations…you have rendered me speechless…

Love, Esme

I Have Had It!

14 Oct

Dear Perfect,

I think I finally pissed you off, the way you have pissed me off.  I have been trying to forget about you.  I am not randomly texting you.  You are not the first person I want to tell things to anymore.  I have really been working on changing my way of thinking.  And it is working.  I am no longer sad.  Honestly, I get angry when I think how much I have put into our relationship…and have gotten next-to-nothing in return.

You keep waxing poetic about being friends.  I think it is a bit of a shock to you that I am not trying.  I refuse to give 150% anymore.  I am letting you prove to me that you want to be friends.  So far, you are doing a really shitty job.

We were supposed to meet up today for coffee.  You have a computer program I need.  I confirmed our coffee date with you last night.  (I think I pissed you off when you said we would meet, and I told you I had no expectations from you.  You deserved it…)  Well, the time to meet came and went.  I gave in and finally sent you a text.  Hey…you must be busy.  Thanks for letting  me know you can’t make it.  Don’t worry about it, I will come up with another solution.  Your reply?  Busy, thanks.

Fuck off, dude…I am tired of letting you treat me like shit.  OVER.

Esme

Perfect Sucks.

13 Oct

Dear Perfect,

I don’t get you…or maybe I just don’t get men in general.  You told me you were seeing someone.  You cancelled all of our plans.  You don’t get why I am feeling a little bit of pain over the end of our arrangement.  But yet…you won’t stop texting me, asking me how I am, how I am feeling.

Why can’t you let me go and get on with my life?  WHY?

Love, Esme

Not So Perfect Anymore

11 Oct

Dear Perfect,

Well, it was almost like I tempted the fates.  I wrote you the last letter, and today you called me and let me know you have met someone.  And, like I predicted, it hurt.  It hurt a lot.  You said that it was completely unexpected.  You weren’t looking for it.  And, like a typical douchebag, you cancelled all of the friend things we had planned, like a trip to the comedy club, because you feel like you had to.  This was, of course, after you told me you want to remain good friends.  Oh, and that you want me in your girls’ lives.

Now I am angry.

Why, if you still want to be friends, would you cancel plans you would make with friends?  Hello…a comedy club?

And how can you tell me you need time to think things through, but in the next breath ask me if I am still going to come up and see the girls this week?  I love your kids…so so much.  So therefore, I have to do the hard thing and stay away from them.  They have been through enough in their young lives.  So why would you still have me come around, play with them, but bring someone else home for dinner?  Does that freaking make sense?

I am so done with you…

Love, not so much,

Esme

Update On Perfect

9 Oct

Dear Perfect,

Well, I have been proven weak.  However, I think we are both weak.  We both can’t be without each other right now.  But as a bonus, we are still on the same page.  We even talk about what is going to happen when one of us decides to start dating.

I think the reason why we work at this point in time is this.  Each of us has decided we are comfortable with the ways things are.  You have decided you don’t want to date, aren’t ready to date.  I have decided to take a break from the dating scene.  After all of the crap…ugh.  I just want to stick with what I know.  Is it a cop-out?  Yes.  I will admit it.  I think I don’t want to think about the alternatives.  I think I don’t want to think about my feelings, the problems that can arise.

But let’s explore, shall we?  It needs to come out at some time.

1.  My feelings for you.  Are they there?  Yes.  Do you return them?  I am almost positive, as I sit and write this, that you do.  My heart still flutters when I see you.  You still light up when you see me.  I know that we are at different points in our life.  You still haven’t been able to emotionally detach yourself from your ex-wife.  I know that, no matter your feelings for me, you can not love me the way that I deserve to be loved.  I KNOW this.  And sometimes it is hard to swallow.

2.  We both, right now, crave the same things.  The need to feel wanted.  Appreciated.  We both need human touch.  We both realize the power of it.  Either one of us is able to pick up the phone and say: “I am having a bad day.  I just really need to be held”.  And we know, if we can’t get together at that point in time, we will very soon.  Sometimes we do nothing but snuggle on the couch.  And other times…

3.  The sex, the sex, the sex.  I can’t even begin to explain our sex life.  It is phenomenal.  Amazing.  Indescribable.  You have awakened my body, my desires.  You took the time to show me I truly wasn’t broken.  You have let me ride the waves of ecstasy time and time again, without taking anything in return.  And it is never just sex.  There is cuddling, talking, whispers of sweet nothings.  You make me feel beautiful.  You make me feel wanted.  You make me feel like a damn goddess…And for that, I can never thank you enough.  And after sex, I usually wind up spending the night.  You hold me as I fall asleep, with a smile on my face.  Right now, I never want to have sex with anybody else.

4.  Our relationship isn’t purely physical.  We go out as friends often.  We get our kids together to play.  We have a date set for a day trip to go hiking…just to get away from it all.  I really enjoy these times together.  We talk about the direction each of our lives are taking.  We complain about our ex’s.  We talk about politics, the environment.  It doesn’t matter.  We just talk.  And it is awesome.  You will text me randomly throughout the day.  Hey, what’s up?  What are you doing?  I look forward to those messages.  It means you are thinking about me.  Will we ever lose that?  I am afraid we will when…

5.  One of us meets someone.  I have gone out on a couple of dates since we have started this relationship.  And I haven’t felt guilty about it.  We have said this is a no commitment  relationship.  None of these guys has gone anywhere, obviously.  You have known about these dates.  You give me advice.  You have yet to date, at least that I have known about.  I have thought about how I would feel if you came to me and told me you have met someone.  I think it would be a gut check.  Maybe even a devastating blow.  I truly treasure our time together, and I don’t want it to end.  Let’s be honest…I want you to want me.  Only me.  I am a hippocrite.  I have gone out.  I have talked about it.  In the back of my mind, I have wondered how it affects you.  Maybe I should ask…

6.  My last concern has to do with your kids.  Your kids are becoming attached to me.  They call and ask me to come over and play.  Their mother does nothing with them.  I read to them.  I play princess with them.  I snuggle on the couch with them.  We pay dress up.  No wonder they tell me they love me.  So what happens to them?  We have talked about this problem.  You told me, no matter what, you want me in their life.  You want them to be able to talk to me if they have a problem.  You want me to be a constant.  I love your girls.   I have no problem with this.  But your future wife might.

So there you go.  My issues, my concerns.  What will happen between us?  Where will we be in a few months?  I don’t know.  I am definitely OK with where we are right now.  I just wonder how I will feel when we change…

Love, Esme