The Holidays Brings Out The Douchebags

26 Nov

Since I am drunk, I am co-writing this post with my sorority sister Dagny, dear skanks.  We do practice the art of lingerie pillow fights on a regular basis.   Just ask her highly hot husband-who we allow to watch on occasison-when he is good.  However, I digress…

The holidays seem the bring out the douche-baggery on all men this time of year.  INDEED.  Case in point…

Mr. Hottie.  Remember him?  I know you do dear fuckers.  He was the best sex I HAVE EVER HAD.   HOWEVER…this does not mean I will not give up my morals.  Mr. Hottie found out I am in Old State this weekend.  I received a text message from him asking about getting together earlier next week.  Silly me…I responded lunch on Monday is good   The response?  “Lunch?  That is how you gonna do me?  After all we been thru?  Lunch?  I may have to work!!!!”  Ummmmmm…….I responded back “You are engaged, and I thought that meant you were going straight.   Lunch is all I will do.”  His response “I will have to see”.  DOUCHEBAG NUMBER 1.

And sad enough, dear hookers, that is not all…for this skank seems to attract a whole bunch of fuckers.  Yes, you read that right.  Fish…you remember Fish?  I thought we were done with him.  Apparently he can’t take a God-damned hint.  On Thanksgiving: “I am so thankful to have you in my life.  I want to be the one to make you smile.”  My response?  “Thx.”  Get a fucking grip dude.  I have already told you, when you asked me if I saw us dating, I said NO.  STOP TEXTING ME!!!  Douchebag number 2.

And the Doctor.  Ahhh…the Doctor…where does one begin when one talks about the FUCKING DOCTOR???  Leave me the fuck alone.  I have told him repeatedly to stop contacting me.  The day before Thanksgiving he asked once more if we were meeting on Sunday.  Hell-to-the-mutha-fucken-NO!  Once again I threatened police involvement if he contacted me anymore…we will see if it works.  Douchebag number 3.

Safety is the last stalker on my fucking list.   Jealous?  Don’t be.  I’m having a problem keeping them apart.  All of the sudden I heard from him them other day, After the whole “I got nothing” fiasco.  The text message (I FUCKING HATE TEXT MESSAGES) said “Send me a pic”.  I didn’t respond.  A while later another said “Please”.  Still no response from me.  A while after that I received a sad face.  About three hours later I sent a text that said “I’m sorry, but I do not send pictures of myself via text message.  Especially to guys that can not get off their ass to meet me in person.. Have a great night.”  I have not heard from him since, and  hope not to.  Douchebag number 4.

So, there is my douchebag list of 2010.  I really hope I do not add to it before the end of the year.  I realize that the holidays are a lonely fucking time, but if I manage to get myself through it without leaning against some fucking ass-hat I dated in high school or college or met off the internet.  Don’t lean on me.  Go douchebag on someone else!

And for all who care, I promise  Sexy post is coming soon… and it is FUCKING GREAT

Amore, Esme

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