Tag Archives: Perfect

Music+Memories=Not Always A Good Time

20 Sep

This week hasn’t been a great one.  And the awesomeness of it was cumulated yesterday when I found out the my surgery has been postponed.  The surgery that took weeks to schedule.  Why was it postponed?  Because workman’s comp failed miserably at doing their job.  Absolutely fucking miserably.  Apparently there was particular paperwork to be filed, and my original adjuster dropped the ball.  So while she is being investigated, they have to re-investigate my claim.  So basically it has to start all over.  Fucking phenomenally awesome.  Am I the only one this shit happens to?  I just want to go back to work!!!!!

Now back to my originally scheduled post.

I am one of those people who puts music to memories.  I doubt I am the only one out there who does.  Music can make me feel happy, sad, enraged, content.  A certain song can open an absolute floodgate of memories and emotions.  Some are welcome, some are not.  A lot of time I will associate a memory with what is playing on my iPod when a particular event happens.  Sometimes a hear a song and I could have written it word for word based on an event that happened.  Sometimes there is no good reason as to why a song reminds me of something that has happened.  And I seem to like the word ‘happened’ today.

I was listening to my iPod when this song played:

I’ve posted this song in the past.  It reminds me word for word of M.  I cried for the first time over him in weeks.  And I think I needed it.  I have been asked out on a number of dates recently, and I have turned all of them down.  M still occupies too much of my heart.  I know that if I do date someone right now, I won’t give the date a fair shot.  I’ll just keep enjoying my Medic time thankyouverymuch.

The only other guy I ever cried over was Perfect.  We had a tumultuous relationship, which you can read about by clicking his tag.  The feelings I had in that relationship were exponentially worse than they should have been, given the fact it was the first relationship after my divorce.  I listened to this song to make me feel better:

But soon after, I was listening to this one:

When I finally am lucky enough to meet my Mr. Right, this is the song that will have to be sung to him (not by me, as I am a horrific singer.  But by someone else for me):

This next one I dedicate to my ex-husband.  If it weren’t for all of the shit he put me through, I wouldn’t be the person I am today:

This song reminds me of my grandmother:

I dedicate this song to all of the men that have dicked me over-LOVE IT.  Listen to the words, and you will see why:

Every time I hear this song it gets me in the mood for a little bit of Medic:

I fell in love with this song after watching Ladder 49 (which almost made me quit the academy!).  When I had to fill out the department ‘In case you die in the line of duty’ paperwork, I only had two requests: an all female honor guard and this song.  This song reminds me of the sacrifice of those before me (personally and professionally).  And it gives me solace that I am being watched over:

There are so many songs, so many memories.  I leave you with just one more.  So often I am told by well-meaning friends that if I just change a little I would have better luck with dating.  What they fail to realize is this-the last time I compromised myself, I wound up in an abusive marriage.  I will never again change anything.  I will never hide anything.  I very much love who I am.  I am perfect:

Much love,

Esme

Advertisements

Random

4 Sep

I just got the most random e-mail from Perfect.  ‘Memba him?  for all those who don’t, click the tag to your right.  But a quick overview:

  • He was the first guy I dated after my divorce.
  • He had two girls I fell in love with.
  • He had a crazy (legitly crazy) ex-wife he decided to give a second chance to, called me while I was on shift to let me know.
  • He called a week later and told me he made a mistake.
  • We never officially dated again, because I wouldn’t allow it.  But we had dinners with our families, and we sometimes spent the night at each other’s places.
  • What stopped us from being friends was an argument where he called me disgusting, vile names.  I told him to fuck off, and I never talked to him again

So the e-mail.  He found me on Facebook, quite a feat because I changed my last name.

He wrote to ask for my forgiveness.

He told me that he can now admit that he had strong feelings for me.  And he only realizes it because God has given him another amazing woman, that he married, and this time he was able to see it.  And act on it.

Well shit.

I don’t hate him anymore, because I just don’t have the energy to hate him anymore.  I have enough other things to deal with.  So if he needs to hear that I don’t hate him so he can move on in his perfect little existence, then so be it.  I let him know.

Now here is what pisses me off.  Yet another douchero man in my life has met someone, and settled down.  Yet another one that treated me like shit, and then told me I was UH-MAY-ZING and that some day I will find a man who will appreciate me, has found their soul mate.  What the fuck?!?!?

How is it I can’t even get to date four?  Or find anyone who appreciates me?  This makes sense how??

Fuck this dating/man thing.  OK, not really, but I am in pain, and I am super fucking frustrated.  What’s next, an e-mail from Nice Guy?  I can’t deal with this shit right now.

Love, Esme

The Benefit Of Younger Men

15 Jun

I have spent a lot of my brain power thinking about this.  Why?  I have no fucking clue.  I truly don’t.  And it all started pretty innocently.

My gal Sunday pointed out to me a recently that I really seem to be attracted to younger men.  I told her that was erroneous (great movie) and asked her to point out the proof.

Sunday:  Really?  I really have to freaking do this?  Oh-kay…AG, 24-year old Firefighter, EX-BF, 29 year-old Firefighter, Mr. Hottie, Fighter, Jake, New Guy, Perfect, the last one-night stand you had.  Almost every guy you flirt with.  Need I say more?  Heeeeellllllllloooooooo…Medic??

Shit.  She was right.  I do have a thing for younger guys.  The few I dated that were older, didn’t look as old as they were.  Why, OH WHY, do I tend to go after the younger men?

Theory on this one, bear with me.

Guys in their mid-thirties (eek…am I almost that old?) are just so…drama filled.  They have been married.  They have been divorced.  They have kids.  They have baby-mama drama.  They probably did something wrong so their wives had to leave them.  They don’t take care of themselves very well.  They usually don’t exercise.  They don’t dress as nice.  They don’t care much about their looks.  They seem to have forgotten how to treat a lady.  Do I need to go on?  And before some guys e-mail or comment, this has just been my experience.  And it’s my blog.  Don’t like it??  Start your own.

I take care of myself.  I exercise (mostly).  I look in the mirror before I leave the house.  I take a care when I pick out my clothes (unless it’s Girls Night).  I work very hard to keep drama out of my life, or at least away from my dates.  I don’t bring my kids into relationships.  I don’t tell stories of my divorce, or sing about the heartache of what I have been through.  That takes too much damn ENERGY.

Younger men are the opposite of men my age.  Almost exactly.  They also realize how lucky they are to date someone like me, and go out of their way to prove it.  Over and over again.  (And let’s not forget the added benefit of stamina, and they fact they are more willing to take the time in bed.  Oooh yes.)  I also find that these guys are more willing to go out and do things, not just sit at home and watch TV.

In short, they act more like me.  More of what I am looking for.  Active.  Fun-loving.  Go with the flow.

I think like-minded individuals are drawn to each other.  Should age really be an issue?

Love, Esme

Where Are They Now?

22 Jan

My hellish work-week is finally coming to a close.  I had every intention of going out and getting my groove on tonight, but I am just fucking exhausted. And I don’t want to spend the energy it would take to do it. So I am spending the night with you hookers instead.  You’re welcome.

Carmen brought up doing a Where Are They Now post, which I think is such a great idea.  Now that I am much more removed from the craziness of some of these guys, even I am interested in seeing where this goes.  So let’s just dive in to the shallow end, shall we??

Ambulance Guy-We both were going through a divorce when we connected.  Never did I think it would be anything but sex, and it never was.  He has since reconciled with his wife (for the sake of the kids) and is still miserable.  Stupid shit…

Perfect-This was a whole sordid story…One which you can read about by clicking on his tag.  In short…we met, we dated.  We broke up because he went back to his ex-wife.  He left his ex-wife, and I was stupid enough to take him back.  We dated/fucked…and one day he called me a lying whore.  OVER.  I have no idea what he is doing now, and I just plain don’t give a fuck.

Mr. Hottie-I’ve written about him A LOT.  We had such a great relationship.  But not really a relationship, because I was not ready for a label.  I fucked that up…or so I thought.  He is since engaged, and has not been faithful to his fiancée.  Did we work for so long because we didn’t have a label?  Maybe…no stress…no worries.  Was I the one that got away?  Also maybe.  But he has a reputation for being a playboy, and I wasn’t willing to take that chance with my heart.  Plus…I run when feelings are mentioned…probably thanks to Perfect.  Ass-hat.  Every once in a while I get a text asking me for ‘a drink’, which was our ‘let’s fuck’ code.  And no hookers…I have not done it…goddamnit.

The Doctor-I was really liking this guy.  Truly.  But he got so fucking clingy.  When I was sick with meningitis, he got angry that I wasn’t calling him everyday.  Seriously???  DONE.  I don’t even communicate with him anymore.  I feel sorry for his next girlfriend.

Firefighter not worth mentioning-married with a kid.  Good for him.

New Guy-I don’t keep in touch with him.  Right after he dumped me for being a firefighter, he started dating his best girl friend.  He was a pussy…who doesn’t like a girl in uniform??  Especially one that can carry a dude up the stairs to the bedroom???

Sexy-He tried keeping in contact with me, but I just couldn’t.  It hurt too much.  Left for an ex-wife again.

Irish-man-I haven’t heard from him since I asked him if he was married.  So that tells me yes, indeed he was.  Dick.

Nice Guy-I would consider him my best guy friend.  I heart him.  I would do anything for him.  He hurts, I hurt.  He’s happy, I’m happy.  I am so glad he is in my life!

Ex-BF-Has issues with feelings, as do I.  Bad mix.  He freaked.  His loss.  He will always have problems with this.  I haven’t seen him since I wrote about him last.  Too bad people just can’t have sex…

The last guy I never gave a name to-Never heard from him again.  Both our losses…the sex was GREAT.  Why do men do that??

God, no fucking wonder I have committment issues!  Left for ex-wives, left because I am a firefighter…I really find some pussy-ass men…I just don’t want to get hurt anymore!  I bet I run away from the best guy ever…just watch…

Love, Esme

Right Back At Ya, Simmarah!

7 Jan

So that sassy dame, Simmarah, and I, decided to blog about the guys we have slept with.  Why?  Who the fuck knows…and cares.  All we know is it could be really interesting.  So here it is…the lucky guys on my list.  Oh, and apparently we rated!  Take that, fuckers.  Drumroll please!!!

1.  My ex-husband…the one who never gave me an orgasm. 0/10

2.  Ambulance Guy…Ahh, what memories.  Looking back, not all that great, but exactly what I needed to awaken the desires.  4/10

3.  Perfect…looking back, what a stupid fucking nickname for him.  But, at the time I thought he was fucking phenomenal.  Ummm…no.  Only good thing was he could go for hours. 5/10

4.  Mr. Hottie…to this DAY I still look back on Mr. Hottie and think he may be the best damn lay I have ever had.  Not because of mechanics or know-how, but because he was so damn into my body. And it just shined through.  10/10

5.  The Doctor…looking back, meh.  Just not much to say about it.  5/10

6.  Another firefighter not worth mentioning.  2/10

7.  New Guy…it was so vanilla, I almost forgot about it.  3/10

8.  Sexy…Awesome.  It was awesome.  Too bad his personality wasn’t.  9/10

9.  Irish-man…it was good, but I still maintain I think he is married.  Too bad…fucker.  7/10

10.  Nice Guy…so we finally did it, and it was well worth the wait.  Didn’t rate quite as high as one other, but damn it sure was close!  The man knows his way around a woman.  9.5/10

11.  Ex-BF…also excellent.  He was also a great fucking time.  Too bad he had to go and be a dick.  *sigh* Men and their drama.  9/10.

As a disclaimer…I wish my list were longer.  WHAT?!?! You heard me right.  I wish I was a bigger skank.  I was the good girl who didn’t sleep with anyone else until she met her husband.  I was even in a sorority in college!  I had every fucking opportunity!!  I wish I were a whore in college!!!!! But I was all for maintaining my good girl image.  Fuck that shit.  Once I was free to start seeing people again, I did.  With a vengeance.  And without much prejudice, apparently.  However, I am making up for lost time.  AND, I am still working on it, thankyouverymuch.

Anyone else want to join in on this?  Reminiscing can be such fun…I dare you…

Much love, Esme

 

My Sexy Time Comes To An End

6 Dec

Little did I know that the last time we were together, was indeed the last time we would be together.  Here is the rest of the story…

After our last night together I was flying high.  We had a great date.  He introduced me to friends.  I felt needed and wanted.  All of the stolen kisses, the sideways glances, the small smiles…this is what it is supposed to be like, right?  The butterflies in the stomach?  The flutters in the chest?  The smile that lights up my face whenever I think or talk about him?  I loved this feeling.  I haven’t felt this in a long while.  I haven’t allowed myself to feel this in a long while.  And I was enjoying every second of it.

Sexy invited me over to his place not too long after that night for drinks and a movie.  I went dressed comfortable, in yoga pants and a tank top.  I had made sure we weren’t going out prior to dressing for the evening!  When I arrived, he gave me a long kiss, and lead me to his living room.  He asked me what I wanted to drink, and I told him a glass of white wine.  We snuggled up under some blankets on the couch, and settled in for the movie.

As things tend to happen when we are together, we began to get physical.  His hands found his way under my tank and I straddled him on the couch.  He put one hand gently on my face and just said “I can’t do this”.

I went still, and I looked into his eyes.  “What?  What did you just say?”

Him: I said I can’t do this anymore.  I still have really strong feelings for my ex-wife, and I am realizing I am projecting them onto you.  And it isn’t fair, to me or you.  So this just can’t happen anymore.

My world felt like it was deflating.  Just when I was finally letting myself care again.  When I was telling myself it was OK to have feelings again.  To give into what was happening, to let go, to not fight.  This happens.  It was shades of Perfect all over again.  I couldn’t handle this, not right now.  Not after that amazing night.  Not after I met friends, not after I was made to feel wanted, appreciated and beautiful.  No.

Me: So none of that was real?  None?  Do I look like your ex-wife?  Is that why you projected?

Sexy had no response to my questions.  I got up off his lap and stood in front of him.  He looked down at the floor.

Me: At least give me the courtesy of looking at me you FUCK while you are telling me I didn’t matter.

Sexy raised his eyes up to meet mine, then promptly lowered them back down.

Me: LOOK AT ME!

He looked at me again.

I took a deep breath before I continued.  I said: I was all for a fuck-buddy relationship.  I was all for the fun, physical aspect of all of this.  You changed the rules.  You took me out.  You introduced me to people.  You, you, you.

Him: I’m sorry.  I am.  But I realize I can’t continue like this when I still have feelings for someone else.

Me: You’re sorry?  You are sorry?  So it was all a lie?  All of the touches and kisses?  All of it?  I misread everything that much?

No response from you.  Tears started to run down my cheeks, and there was no fucking way I was going to let you see me cry.  Although I am sure you saw the first few drops.

I went to the foyer and grabbed my coat, shoes, and purse.  I walked out without bothering to slip my shoes on.  Esme!  I could hear as I ran to my car.  Come back, let’s talk!  Please!  Oh now you want to talk?  Fuck off dickwad.

I slammed my car into drive and peeled into the street.  I drove a few miles before I pulled over to the side of the road and let the tears fall freely.  I cried my poor heart out.  I cursed myself out for letting myself feel.  For letting myself get involved.  For letting myself believe he might be different then the other douchebags out there.  I was angry with Sexy, yes, but I was angrier with myself.

Over the course of several days Sexy tried to contact me.  Why this sudden interest in talking?  He left several voice messages and text messages asking me to call him.  I never returned the calls.  I wasn’t interested in reasons.  I didn’t want to hear what he had to say.

It was a lesson learned for me.  No more feelings.  Sex is fine.  It’s better than fine, it’s phenomenal.  But when feelings become involved…it’s time to walk away.  I am done with this shit.

Love, Esme

The Audacity

16 Oct

Dear Perfect,

You actually had the audacity to text me today and ask me if I was still planning on attending your daughters birthday party.

Congratulations…you have rendered me speechless…

Love, Esme