Tag Archives: questions

The Questions People Ask Google II

3 Dec

How can I impress a girl I just met and fuck her in the same day?  I am just going to take a big guess and say you are a wanna-be douchero.  Because if you were an actual duchero, you would already know how to do this.  But let me answer this question the best way I can: You either need to be an incredibly smooth talker, and make her believe your empty promises, or you need to meet a woman who is just down to fuck.  OR-and I’m just going to say it-you can be sincere and honest.  And one day you will meet a women who you love and will knock your fucking socks off in the bedroom.  Or kitchen.  Or stairs.  You see where I am going with this.

Why do I love fucking my ex-husband?  Probably the same reason why I loved fucking my ex-boyfriend.  It’s familiar, he knows just what you like, and it takes absolutely no thought.

Do I send an apology for drunk texting?  I do.  Seriously, I do.  Being drunk isn’t a be-all-end-all excuse, but your behavior following can set the tone.

I love basketball because? You get a question to ask Google, and this is the question??  I don’t know why the fuck you love basketball.  I can’t even get into it, and I love sports.  They guys aren’t good to look at.  And there is nothing to ogle when they wear those uniforms.  Try football.

How do I approach the next date after I’ve been stood up?  I truly hope you aren’t referring to the same person.  Because you don’t, is the short answer.  Unless his mom/kid/sister is in the hospital unexpectedly, there is NO REASON to get stood up.  ESPECIALLY in today’s technology-heavy world.  Do yourself a favor boy/girlfriend, and move on to someone else.  If you mean just in general, not every man/girl is a dick/bitch.  Each date deserves its own chance.

He thanked me for staying over?  It’s better then him handing you cab fare and telling you to leave.

I’m a drug addict and I falsely accused a workman of stealing my pain medication so I could call my doctor’s office and get more.  Not cool, dude/dudette.  As someone who has been on the flip-side of that coin (a friend stole my meds), that pisses me off.  BUT, I do realize it’s an addiction, and addiction is a disease.  Since you are able to admit you have a problem, take the next step and ask for help. I’m positive you will be happy that you did.

I shit on my girlfriend while having sex.  Now what?  Ah-hahahahahahahaha!!!  *deep breath*  Hahahahahaha!!  Is this for real?  Oh man…diamonds, diamonds, trip to Paris, and more diamonds.  But chances are you won’t be pounding the pussy anymore.  *wipes tears away*

What song do I dedicate to my ex-husband?  Not knowing what the status of your relationship is, this is a hard question to answer.  I like Jaron’s I’ll Pray for You.  Great tale of how he wishes her physical harm.

How can I get laid at college frat parties?  I can’t tell if this is a male or female question.  But as someone who went to college, and was Greek (A-Phi shout-out!),  I can tell you with 100% accuracy that getting laid at a frat party is not hard.  AT ALL.  If you find it even the teeniest difficult, get drunk (but not overly) and hang out until the end of the party.  You will get laid.  Oh yes…you will get laid.  You just can’t be picky.

I didn’t belong until he came into my life.  Oh honey…a relationship will never last if you aren’t comfortable with who you are in your life.  It just won’t.  A man should not give you a sense of belonging.  That makes you needy, and no one wants a needy girl.  No one else can make you hapy, or give you that sense of belonging.  You have to give that to yourself.

Lastly, there are so many questions about hurting yourself.  Please please please get help for this.  Destructive behavior is not OK.  Don’t suffer alone, and don’t suffer in silence.  Tell someone who can help!!

And for real lastly-enough with the drunk texting questions!  Just leave the damn phone at home!!!  Or, if you can’t, have one guy you designate as your DT recipient.  I’m totally guilty of DT’ing, and I have even managed to stop.  If you KEEP doing it, it means you WANT to do it.  Simple as that.

Love, Esme


The Questions People Ask Google

15 Oct

Yesterday I was bored, and I was going through my site stats.  By far, the most interesting part of looking at the site history is the search terms people have used to get to me, whether on purpose or accident.

I know that when I get frustrated with something in my life, I will ask a question in my Google search bar.  Why are men assholes?  Why is my ex-husband such a douche dumpster?  Why do men think it’s OK to ask for a BJ on date one?  I’m guilty of it.  I do it, so it didn’t surprise me that others do it.

As I was reading through the ‘search questions’, I found myself answering them.  Some are funny, some are downright sad.  Since I like to tell it like it is, here you go.  Here is everything you should be told, without the sugar-coating.  I think I will make this a regular feature…

How do I stop drunk texting?  This is asked in so many different ways.  And I know I am guilty of this.  Read here.  The simple answer?  Leave the damn phone at home.  100% fail proof.

What do I do after drunk texting?/Drunk texting someone I like him.  What now?  A drunk woman’s words is a sober woman’s thoughts.  Own up to what you said.  ‘I was drunk’ is not a valid excuse.  What you did at least opens up lines of communication, if you let it.  Sit down and have a frank talk with him.

What is a hootchi-hoo?  Ah-hahahaha!!  That still makes me laugh.  It’s a vagina.  A snatch.  Any other slang you want to use.

Can Irish men be faithful?  I’d like to think so, even though personal experience has taught me otherwise.  But you can’t punish all with the actions of a few.

I love hurting myself/Why do I keep hurting myself?  The amount of searches for this question deeply alarms me.  And I’m not even sure why you are directed to me.  Hurting yourself (cutting/self-mutilation/etc.) is all about control.  The pain you cause yourself is one thing you have complete control over.  Some people mutilate, I change my hair color every couple of months.  We all have one thing we do to retain control of ourselves.  What you are doing, however, can be deadly.  It has severe consequences.  Please tell someone you trust so you can get help with a specialist.

What if two lovers get separated due to unwanted circumstances?  The simple answer is it’s not meant to be.  Relationships take give and take, and without knowing the whole story I can’t make a recommendation.  But if both aren’t willing to make certain sacrifices, then the relationship won’t last.  Unwanted circumstances or not.

How can I forget my past of violence?  You can’t.  Nor do you want to.  You are doomed to repeat history if you don’t remember and learn from it.  Take the experience, remember the feelings, and don’t go back there again.

My date is late.  Should I call him?  NO!!  If he is more than 15 minutes late, walk away.  And NEVER apologize for it.

Medically, how can I prove he kissed me?  Seriously?  This is a real question?  Guess you will find out when you get herpes.

Is tall, dark and handsome too much to ask for?  Yes.  Yes it is.

What shall me and Esme do today?  Aww…sweet for asking!  I’m staying in and having a lazy day.

I told my fuck buddy I hate him.  What now?  You said it for a reason.  Own what you said and take responsibility for it.  But realize it may be the end of the fuck-buddy-ness.

Will wearing glasses affect sex appeal?  Hell no!  There is a reason why men have librarian fantasies.

He told my friend our date was fucking romantic as fuck?  That’s hilarious.  I have no response but ‘fuck yes, it fucking was’.

Is two drinks on a date acceptable?  I say it’s the upper limit of acceptable.

How do I turn off my brain/switch it off during sex?  Find better sex.  Because I guarantee if you do, you will get so lost in the awesome feelings you will have no problem focusing.

What can I buy a gay man?  Classes on how to give the best BJ ever.

I’ve a boyfriend of 3 1/2 years but we don’t even have a chat when we together at his place.  He just lies in bed and I sit and then he asks for a kiss and…after the kiss he takes my clothes off.  He doesn’t even call me.  I wanna ask if he loves me or he just wants sex?  He just wants sex.  You really have to ask?  Three and a half years??  I’m guessing if you want to see him, you are doing all of the calling.  Not okay.  Your question also tells me you are ok with the situation at hand because you keep doing it.  Some thoughts:

  • Get the term ‘boyfriend’ out of your head, and start using ‘fuck-buddy’.
  • I am worried you are lacking on some self-esteem.  Find some, and you will realize that this is just shit.  Unless, of course, you are just using him for sex.
  • Stop going to his place/inviting him over.  Then you will see how much he tries to see you.  If he doesn’t, there is your answer.
This is fun!

I want more questions to answer.  If you ask I won’t reveal your identity…

Love, Esme