Archive | February, 2011

Who Knew The Pain Would Get Worse…

27 Feb

I’m on pain meds, so I apologize if this makes no sense,

Well, I wish I was here to tell you a new tale of debauchery.  I wish I was here to tell you about the hot-ass guy that told me he just had to see me tomorrow night.  I even wish I was here to tell you I am taking a break from the douchebaggeryness because I am just too damn fine to deal with all of this.  But alas, I am not.  I am here to tell you that my ovaries have raged an all-out war on me.  Yes, my lovely skanks, my ovaries held a meeting-only inviting each other.

And what did they decide? Read on.

I went to the ED on Wednesday night because I had some bad pain.  The ultrasound revealed that I had a cyst on my right ovary.  I was given some high doses of narcotics to take at home.  Done.

And I was alright for a day and a half.  I kept my lunch date with Jake.  We walked around town for a little bit.  I wasn’t feeling great, but I felt as to be expected.

That night I had a problem sleeping.  I chalked it up to the narcotics-they make me restless.  At 245 in the morning, The pain was excruciating.  I took two doses of my pain medicine and laid back down.

I was repeating this action the whole next day.  I dozed fitfully and only got up when it was time  to take more meds.  Around 500pm, it got worse.  How the hell can it get any worse?!? I was running a fever.  The pain was making me yell out loud.  I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t sit or lay down.  I couldn’t find a comfortable position.  I am not much of a crier, but DAMN.

So back to the hospital it was.  Another ultrasound was done, and where one cyst was two days prior, there were now MANY.

And guess who was amazing enough to keep me company at the hospital?  Jake.  He showed up with some books.  Sat with me from eight to midnight.  He was such a trooper.  And I know he HATES hospitals.  I told him to stay home, but he said I was worth it.  Aawww…why can’t a straight men talk like that?

So here I am, waiting for test results, and receiving a strong dose of pain medicine every two hours.  Right now the doctor’s guess is that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome.  Back when I was fifteen, the doctors all had assumed I had PCOS.  Now, I wait for the results to be sure.  SIGH.

A big fucking SIGH!

Love, Esme


Scratch That

25 Feb

So we can scratch that date.  Partly because I am still in more pain than I thought I would be in.  But also because I think I would have been stood up if I didn’t end it.

We messaged each other a lot yesterday.  Had really great conversations.  He chose the time and place for the date (because I am really working on letting a man be a man and plan all of that shit).  I told him yesterday evening, as I was signing off, to please confirm with me tomorrow.  I gave him my phone number, and told him he could either call, text, or IM.  It all goes to my phone.  He said absolutely, and he told me he was very excited to meet me.

As a side note, I require someone to confirm with me the day of the date.  Why, you ask?  I have been stood up three fucking times. Three times I have been sitting in a bar/restaurant and waiting for ducheros.  And that is just damn inexcusable in today’s age of technology.  So I no longer show up if I don’t have confirmation.  And amazingly enough…I have never gotten a text ‘yelling’ at me for standing some dude up.  So I am guessing I would have been stood up even more if I show up anyways.  ANYWAYS…

I didn’t hear from him all day.  I finally sent him a message (because he never gave up his digits) and let him know I am still in a great amount of pain, and can we reschedule?  I didn’t hear back from him.  I still haven’t heard back from him.  So what the fuck ever.

I am just tired of all the game playing.  I still have a few guys that want to meet/date me.  And I am not sure I want to keep doing this to myself.

And has anyone else noticed a direct correlation between the hotness of the guy to the douchebaggery quotient?  I have.  And it may require its own post…

Love, Esme

Another Date…

24 Feb

I have another date tomorrow night.  I also met him from the website.  He is fucking hot, if his pictures are genuine.  He is tall, 6’2″.  He is a lawyer, so he has a good career.  He knows how to talk to a woman, so he may be a douchebag.

I agreed to meet him tomorrow, because why the fuck not?  It could go really really bad, or it may be amazing.

And I know I am not making much sense…I am currently hopped up on Percocet.  Guess who was in the emergency room last night with a ruptured ovarian cyst?  This chick right here.

I kept my lunch date with Jake, and he was great enough to come pick me up since I can’t drive.  I talked to him about my date tomorrow, and he talked of his insecurities for his date on Saturday.  We had quite the diatribe going on…

So I am going to end this post because I am seriously rambling.  I, of course, will let you all know how it goes!

Love, Esme

The Letter I Have Been Waiting For

23 Feb

Sorry I have been missing in action my fellow skanks…

After six months of classes, testings, and worrying…after all of the miles driven, all of the bruises, and all of the frustrations…

I am finally nationally registered!!

So what does that mean??  It now means I can work as a medic anywhere in the United States.  And it means I can work anywhere on U.S. soil…like a military base overseas.  It also means I can work in Canada.  It means I can get my ass back on an ambulance!!!!


Love, Esme

I am seeing Jake tomorrow for a late lunch.  There is usually a story involved with these 😉

Night At The Gay Bar

18 Feb

So Jake and I have decided to be friends.  We kept our plans for last night, and I had a hell of a time.  I really felt like I have made a great friend.

I got out late from work, and I met him at a local brewhouse.  No heels (THE FUCKING HORROR), no make-up, and my hair up in a clip.  I didn’t think twice about it, because it’s not like I am trying to fuck him, right?  Well, never underestimate the power of a made-under woman.  Wow, Jake said when he walked into the brewhouse.  You look GREAT!  Who knew…who fucking knew…

We shared some onion rings and had a beer.  He was telling me about a new class he was taking, and how a guy asked him out for next week.  He is nervous…feels like he is unfamiliar territory.  I pointed out that sometimes we need to be taken out of our comfort zone to know what we truly want.  He confessed to me that he is still a little wary about the whole sex thing.  I laughed, and told him that one date doesn’t mean he has to sleep with the guy.  ‘Jake!  Just go out, relax, and have a good time!  Don’t cross any boundaries you aren’t comfortable with.  Don’t do anything you don’t want to do.  Just go out with the guy, smile at him and let him buy you a damn drink!  Fuck dude…I need to teach you how to date…’

We finished our onion rings and then he asked me if I have to work in the morning.  Not too early, was my reply.  Have something in mind?  He sure did…He took me to the gay district in the next town over.  Oh my god I can’t believe I didn’t know about this before!! At first I didn’t want to go because I wasn’t dressed to go to the bar.  Duh, Esme…just duh.

I had a fucking BLAST.  We were checking out guys.  We played some pool (and both really suck at it).  We watched 4 guys walked into the men’s bathroom (it was a single bathroom), and not lock the door so other guys could join in if they wanted.  And some did.  We danced goofy dance moves to Miley Cyrus (I knew she had a place somewhere).

He told me again how great I look when I am relaxed and enjoying myself.  I finally told him what I was thinking.

You know, Jake, I have some pretty excellent gaydar.  I truly do.  But you have me confounded.  I am just not picking up on it.  I hear you tell me you think you are gay.  And I hear you telling me you think that guy over there is attractive.  But I am just not sure you are quite feeling it, or wanting to live it.

He told me he is really struggling with the feelings he has.  He said ‘I figure if I am finding some men attractive, and have the urge to want to maybe sleep with one, then I must be gay’.

I was rendered a little speechless by this, because I wholeheartedly disagree.  Someone may be able to shed some more light on this for me, but I am going to reiterate that this is MY OPINION, so please don’t shoot me.

I disagree, Jake.  I am as straight as they come.  I LOVE dick.  But I will tell you that I have a girl crush.  And if she walked in that door right now, came up to me and offered to rock my fucking world, I would jump on that shit.  And I don’t think that makes me gay.  It may make me curious.  But I also don’t have the need to sleep with just any chick.  So I don’t know.

He promised to let me know how his date goes, because I am super curious.  I am not sure which way this guy is going to go.

We stayed till last call, and he drove me back to my car.  We made tentative plans to go see a comedian in a couple of weeks, and we were talking about going to a bj class…no shit they are actually offered.  He is looking into it.

We had a great time together, and I honestly can’t wait to see him again.  We have a lot in common and we had a hell of a lot of fun.

Much love, Esme


16 Feb

So I got an IM from Jake yesterday:

Hey Esme, want to head out for a drink on Thursday?

What the fuck?  A ‘let’s just be friends’ guy who ACTUALLY wants to be friends???

Umm, sure, I’d like that Jake.  Thursday is good.

What followed was completely a lightbulb moment!  And this isn’t verbatim, because it was, like, midnight.  But a general idea of what was written.

So I guess I should explain.  You are an amazingly unique woman.  But I want to let you know I am bisexual.  But I don’t think I am bisexual…I think I am actually gay.  And the fact that I went out with someone like you, and I didn’t have an urge to have sex with you, kind of confirmed it to me.  So I am really sorry about that date last week.  But you are awesome, and I do want to continue to know you.

This makes total fucking sense now!!  Because one, who the hell wouldn’t want this.  And two, he continued the date because he was having a good time, but there was no touching-or even any inkling-that he was sexually attracted to me.  I usually have excellent gaydar.  I mean, on point. But I couldn’t tell with this one.  Now that I know, makes perfect fucking sense.  And no, not because he didn’t want to fuck me, I am not THAT full of myself, but just looking back on his mannerisms and personality.  My ah-fucking-ha moment finally clicked last night.

Do I care that he is gay?  Not in the least.  We had phenomenal conversation after he told me, I think he just felt more comfortable with me, because he became a lot more open.

I really was shocked to hear from him.  I expected to write him off.  How many guys actually want to be friends after saying ‘let’s just be friends’?  But I am thinking I may have made a new friend.  And one I can trade BJ secrets with at that…

Much Love, Esme


14 Feb

Fuck Valentines Day.

I really hate this ‘holiday’.  Even if I am dating someone.  I would rather them surprise me with flowers and a night out on a day when I don’t expect it then on a day when some calender says they are supposed to.

Just sayin’

Love, Esme