Esme vs. Daughter

25 Jul

As you may have guessed from the title, things got worse.

Loverboy and I finally had to agree to not talk about Daughter.  Why?  Well, read on.

He came home from work the other day.  I was at his house since I had both sets of children, so I figured I would make a nice home-cooked meal.  L walks in the door, sunny and happy, until he realizes Daughter is home.  Like someone flipped a switch, he became sullen, grumpy, and reserved.  Basically, a shit to be around.

During dinner, the two of them started getting into it.  I finished my meal, and shooed the other kids out of the dining room.  A few minutes later, L comes storming out, throws his plate in the sink, and follows Daughter down the stairs into her basement dwelling.

An hour passes.

L finally emerged, and is pulling the fake happy off with everyone.  I am sure everyone knows what that is-it is obnoxious, annoying, irritating, and any other negative -ing adjective you can think of.  I ask to speak with him upstairs, and I let some more of what is bothering me off of my chest.

I informed him that every time his daughter is around, his disposition changes dramatically.  My kids ask about it, his kids ask about it. He treats everyone different.  He won’t hug or kiss me when she is around (but will in front of his younger kids).  He barely talks to me when she is around.  He doesn’t smile.  Get the idea?  He is letting his 21-year-old run his emotions.

L then told me that he doesn’t know how to take what I have said, and that his attitude doesn’t change.  I reiterated it does indeed change.  He said it bothers him when I talk about Daughter.  He said he knows she has issues, he knows she is a loser, but he will never turn his back on her, and she will always have a place to live.  He said he doesn’t want me to bring it up again.

I looked at him for a minute, and said OK.  I was totally thrown by his last comment, because he always asks for advice.  I always tell him that she isn’t my daughter, so I can’t say.

Several days ago he brought up us moving in together.  I told him that until he and his daughter fix whatever they have going on, I won’t move in.  He seemed to accept it.  He knows I have become increasingly uncomfortable, and he told me then that she will always have a home with him.  So we all know I will never win this.  I don’t think I should even expect to.

Sorry, I know this post is kind of rambly.  I am just so torn and lost.

We have been talking about future stuff lately-never thought I would do that again!  Anyways-we have.  He wants a future with me.  He wants me to move in with him next year.  He wants me.  

So…stop me if I am wrong here…

I think at some point I should expect to be first.  I think for once he should focus on his happiness, and tell Daughter that if she can’t play ball, she can get her own fucking life instead of mooching off of him.  I am not saying to cut her out.  I am not saying to replace her.  I am simply saying that he should focus on Loverboy.

And, of course, I want to know that I mean enough to him that he stands up for me and/or fights for me.

He tells me often that I am so important to him.  And yet I now feel like limitations have been placed on our conversations.  On our relationship.  On our future.

To end the conversation, I told him that if he continues to let her call the shots, he is going to wind up a lonely old man, and it could be someday soon.

He reiterated how much I mean to him.  I shook my head, and walked out of the room.

I’m wondering if this can only end one way.

Love, Esme

 

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4 Responses to “Esme vs. Daughter”

  1. My Dating Hangovers July 26, 2012 at 12:43 am #

    Damn, there always seems to be something that gets in the way of a happy relationship.

    I’m sorry to hear that this spoiled, manipulative little brat is causing you headaches. I can only hope that L wakes the hell up and smells the coffee before the pot burns. I mean really? What will it take for him to realize he needs top take a stand and push this little fucker into respectful submission.

    Buit you know what just came to mind? His erratic mood swings. Remember how he flipped because you canceled the wedding and the time after that? Perhaps he isn’t bipolar as I suspected, but all of these instances were the result of this mood-altering brat! What is it going to take for him to realize that his inaction is getting in the way of his happiness? I don’t understand him at all and am curious if these kids, especially daughter, have a good relationship with the mother? He is the enabler and it will only get worse.

    Honestly girl, don’t you dare move in, don’t even consider it. As much as you two care for each, you know in your heart that the living situation will n more headache than its worth.

    For him to shut you down and tell you he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore sounds just like Rescue! When that bastard wasn’t taking any action on matters and would just say “it’s his issue or business to handle”, followed by closing up discussion told me that his way of handling things was shitty when it came to relationships.

    If and when this issue comes up again, I would ask L how he has dealt with issues in the past with kids and previous relationships. Was there something worked out or did he tell his woman its the daughter’s way or the highway?

    Basically, you’re being silently told to deal with it (she’s not going anywhere, he’s not rying to steer her straight) and be quiet (I really care for you, I want you and that should be enough).

    Good luck hun

    • Esme July 26, 2012 at 9:24 am #

      What is hard about all of this…is I can’t look at past relationships. I am the first person he introduced to his children. Likewise, he is the first I introduced to mine. Three years of dating for each of us, and this is a brand new thing for both.

      As for their relationship with their mom, it seems OK. Nothing to write about.

      No worries, C…there will be no moving in any time soon! There will be much to discuss first. It’s sad because my lease expires next year, and I am positive that I will be moving and signing a new lease…just to spend half of my nights at L’s place. Make sense? NOPE. But that is how I am sure it will be.

      Time will tell…

  2. dixie July 31, 2012 at 12:13 pm #

    I’m sorry but where children are concerned, even legally-adult bratty children, there simply will be no choice. He will ALWAYS choose her first. He is telling you that with his actions, despite his words. And actions are where it’s at; I’m sure you already know that. You have your answer, but it might not be the one you want. As much as you care about him and his wonderful traits and qualities, he is a package deal. You just have to figure out if you want that package deal to become your package deal, too. Relationships that involve children from exes are always dicey. I’m living that scenario. My husband is fantastic, I love his kids, but he has a crazy ex who constantly involves herself in our business, all under the guise of dealing with kid issues. She is awful and loves to stir shit; I knew it going into this thing, I knew she wasn’t going anywhere, and I had to decide if HE was worth it. While I don’t regret my choice, I couldn’t have imagined what a mess it would be having to deal with her constant bullshit. She will never go away because she is permanently attached to his kids and I just have to suck it up. Tread very, very carefully and slowly.

    • Esme August 1, 2012 at 11:13 am #

      Definitely slowly and carefully.

      I have already come to the realization that I am not married to him, therefore I don’t have to put up with it. But I also know that if I love him and want a future together, I have to accept her and their relationship.

      So far, I am not sure what I am willing to put up with…not yet, at least. But the lines of communication are open, and we are working it out.

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