Tag Archives: break-ups

Oh Boy…

19 Oct

OK, so notwithstanding the Year of Esme…I saw M.

But wait!!!  It’s not what you think!!  With hold judgment for just a second…

I got a random text message from him yesterday afternoon.

M: I’m home now.
E: OK.
M: I need you to bring your truck to me.
E: NO.  (I was dead against going.  M and I had some conversations, that I alluded to, that were not good.)
M: It has a recall.
E: How bad of a recall?
M: Tire fall off kind of recall.  3 minutes then done.
E: Fine (everyone knows when a girl says fine…it’s anything but fine!)

So I finished what I was doing, and made the drive out to his place.  I got out of my truck, he fixed what was needed, and he was done.  We did not exchange words, we did not hug, we did no communicating what-so-ever.

E: Thanks, M.  Have a great day. (I said this as I was climbing into my truck).
M: *mumble mumble mumble*
E: What did you say?
M: *mumble mumble mumble* (he was across his garage).

Well shit…I just HAVE to know what he is saying., because I’m that kind of person.  And he knows it.

E: What the fuck are you mumbling about?
M: How does someone do that??  (He is referencing an issue he is currently having with some whore from time past.  Not worth getting into.  And why does he feel the need to confess to me??)

We had a small discussion on the indifference and audacity of whores these days (I hope you all get the sarcasm there).  Then he turned to me and said:

M: I really cared for you.
E: Whatevs.  It’s done.  I’m sure I was nothing in the grand scheme of things.
M: You weren’t nothing.  I never said that.

Here was when I walked away.  I know he is a complete douchebag.  I know he does not have the ability to be faithful (although he swears up and down he was with me).  I know what he is like when no one is looking.  And realistically, I don’t want any part of it.  My heart is having a little bit of issue with that statement, however.  But I walked away because I didn’t want to do the whole bitchy emotional talk.

I opened the door to my truck when I just snapped.  FUCK.  THIS.  GUY.  I slammed the door and I stomped back into that garage.

E: You know what, M?  FUCK. YOU.  Fuck you.  You told me so many goddamned lies, promised me so many things.  You keep changing the reason why you ended it with me, when it was nothing but your own damned insecurities.  You are back with your fiancee, you are already banging some other girl, and you have what you consider ‘whore’ problems.  You need help, you really do.  You are such a DICK!  And I let myself get involved in it!  And to think I fell in love you.  I am so fucking stupid.  But I am so glad we had this discussion.
M: I never said you were stupid, Esme.  I didn’t.  And you aren’t.  I did think we had something.  But I can’t do feelings.  I just can’t.

M reached out for a hug, and I backed away.

E: Don’t touch me.  You are not allowed to touch me anymore.  (I took a deep breath and gathered my thoughts).  Here is the thing, M.  You frustrate the ever-loving shit out of me.
M: I frustrate you?  How do I frustrate you??
E: Really??  You want to discuss all the shit we have been through the last three years?  ALL OF IT??  (M shook his head no.)  You frustrate me.  But I am going to be honest here.  I care about you, and I worry about you.  I like talking to you, because usually you make me laugh and feel better.  And I truly think you are supposed to be in my life in some capacity.  But you will never touch me again.  And if you can’t agree to that, we can’t be friends.  How I feel for you is my issue, and my issue alone.  I never want any of this to be brought up again.
M: It’s all good.

It was at that point I walked away, and didn’t look back.

Amazingly though, I do feel better about the whole situation.  I once again got to see what kind of person he is, and how fortunate I am removed from it.  I was able to be honest while maintaining a strong baseline.  Never before have I been able to do that with him.  I finally said everything I wanted to say, and he sat and listened.  And I feel a hell of a lot better now that I yelled at him.

He truly does need help.  He is a sex addict.  He has no regard for women.  He is on a destructive path.  He swears up and down he never considered me a whore, or thought ill of me-and I told him I didn’t want to hear it, as his actions speak way louder then his words do.  And here is what surprises me the most-I’m OK if we never see each other again.  I really am.  If we can manage to rekindle the friendship, I will be glad.  But I will be just as glad if we never see each other again.

That is such a good place to be.

Love, Esme


Music+Memories=Not Always A Good Time

20 Sep

This week hasn’t been a great one.  And the awesomeness of it was cumulated yesterday when I found out the my surgery has been postponed.  The surgery that took weeks to schedule.  Why was it postponed?  Because workman’s comp failed miserably at doing their job.  Absolutely fucking miserably.  Apparently there was particular paperwork to be filed, and my original adjuster dropped the ball.  So while she is being investigated, they have to re-investigate my claim.  So basically it has to start all over.  Fucking phenomenally awesome.  Am I the only one this shit happens to?  I just want to go back to work!!!!!

Now back to my originally scheduled post.

I am one of those people who puts music to memories.  I doubt I am the only one out there who does.  Music can make me feel happy, sad, enraged, content.  A certain song can open an absolute floodgate of memories and emotions.  Some are welcome, some are not.  A lot of time I will associate a memory with what is playing on my iPod when a particular event happens.  Sometimes a hear a song and I could have written it word for word based on an event that happened.  Sometimes there is no good reason as to why a song reminds me of something that has happened.  And I seem to like the word ‘happened’ today.

I was listening to my iPod when this song played:

I’ve posted this song in the past.  It reminds me word for word of M.  I cried for the first time over him in weeks.  And I think I needed it.  I have been asked out on a number of dates recently, and I have turned all of them down.  M still occupies too much of my heart.  I know that if I do date someone right now, I won’t give the date a fair shot.  I’ll just keep enjoying my Medic time thankyouverymuch.

The only other guy I ever cried over was Perfect.  We had a tumultuous relationship, which you can read about by clicking his tag.  The feelings I had in that relationship were exponentially worse than they should have been, given the fact it was the first relationship after my divorce.  I listened to this song to make me feel better:

But soon after, I was listening to this one:

When I finally am lucky enough to meet my Mr. Right, this is the song that will have to be sung to him (not by me, as I am a horrific singer.  But by someone else for me):

This next one I dedicate to my ex-husband.  If it weren’t for all of the shit he put me through, I wouldn’t be the person I am today:

This song reminds me of my grandmother:

I dedicate this song to all of the men that have dicked me over-LOVE IT.  Listen to the words, and you will see why:

Every time I hear this song it gets me in the mood for a little bit of Medic:

I fell in love with this song after watching Ladder 49 (which almost made me quit the academy!).  When I had to fill out the department ‘In case you die in the line of duty’ paperwork, I only had two requests: an all female honor guard and this song.  This song reminds me of the sacrifice of those before me (personally and professionally).  And it gives me solace that I am being watched over:

There are so many songs, so many memories.  I leave you with just one more.  So often I am told by well-meaning friends that if I just change a little I would have better luck with dating.  What they fail to realize is this-the last time I compromised myself, I wound up in an abusive marriage.  I will never again change anything.  I will never hide anything.  I very much love who I am.  I am perfect:

Much love,



4 Sep

I just got the most random e-mail from Perfect.  ‘Memba him?  for all those who don’t, click the tag to your right.  But a quick overview:

  • He was the first guy I dated after my divorce.
  • He had two girls I fell in love with.
  • He had a crazy (legitly crazy) ex-wife he decided to give a second chance to, called me while I was on shift to let me know.
  • He called a week later and told me he made a mistake.
  • We never officially dated again, because I wouldn’t allow it.  But we had dinners with our families, and we sometimes spent the night at each other’s places.
  • What stopped us from being friends was an argument where he called me disgusting, vile names.  I told him to fuck off, and I never talked to him again

So the e-mail.  He found me on Facebook, quite a feat because I changed my last name.

He wrote to ask for my forgiveness.

He told me that he can now admit that he had strong feelings for me.  And he only realizes it because God has given him another amazing woman, that he married, and this time he was able to see it.  And act on it.

Well shit.

I don’t hate him anymore, because I just don’t have the energy to hate him anymore.  I have enough other things to deal with.  So if he needs to hear that I don’t hate him so he can move on in his perfect little existence, then so be it.  I let him know.

Now here is what pisses me off.  Yet another douchero man in my life has met someone, and settled down.  Yet another one that treated me like shit, and then told me I was UH-MAY-ZING and that some day I will find a man who will appreciate me, has found their soul mate.  What the fuck?!?!?

How is it I can’t even get to date four?  Or find anyone who appreciates me?  This makes sense how??

Fuck this dating/man thing.  OK, not really, but I am in pain, and I am super fucking frustrated.  What’s next, an e-mail from Nice Guy?  I can’t deal with this shit right now.

Love, Esme

Oh The Pain.

29 Aug

Horrible, unimaginable pain.

  • I gave birth to two kids without epidurals.  That’s right, this bitch did it naturally (except for a small dose of narcotics with one).  I didn’t cry.
  • I had a skin graft procedure done, where the donor skin was taken from my thighs.  It hurt so bad I crumbled to the floor when I tried to walk.  I didn’t cry.
  • After one of my children I had to have an emergency procedure done in my uterus.  Pain meds had not kicked in.  I screamed once or twice, but I didn’t cry.

Two nights ago my shoulder popped out, yet again, but this time it did not relocate properly.  Not only did I scream, I cried.  I cried like a little bitch.  Horrible, gut-wrenching sobs for a pain I had never felt before.  I called my doctor.  I am not sure he understood one word I said, but he told me to go to the ED.

I tried calling everyone I knew.  My girl Sunday had taken a sleeping pill.  She was out.  Most of my friends are on the same firefighting schedule, and they were all at work.  And as a firefighter/paramedic, I just could not call an ambulance.  This just simply is not done.  (Fucking ree-tahrd-ed, right??  I can’t explain it.  You just don’t.)

I called my last resort.  M.  He tells me he still loves me, and now it was time to step up.  And I was incredibly desperate.  M, please.  I need to go to the hospital.  Please.  I can’t drive, and I have tried everyone else.

Response?  I’m tied up.

I whispered I hate you and hung up the phone.  I immediately received a text that said: I’m so sorry.

I never responded.

I pulled myself together the best I could, and I drove myself to the hospital.  My roommate met me there when he got off work.  (I have yet to introduce you to my roomie.  I don’t think his hetero status is guaranteed, so I will name him Will.  He actually calls me Grace.  *eyeroll*)

I spent four and a half hours in the emergency department.  I was properly medicated, fixed, and sent home.  I have an appointment with a surgeon tomorrow.

I don’t hate him.  I hate me for loving him…and in my warped mind it is just easier to hate him.  I hate the fact I was desperate and needed to call and ask for help.  I hate the fact I stooped to his level and told him I hated him.  I hate that it hurt when he turned me down in my moment of need.  But it told me everything that I needed to know.

Fucking DONE.

I just wish the shoulder was done.  *sigh*

Love, Esme

Nothing Gets Over A Heart-break Like…

16 Aug

Physical pain??  Yep.

Remember the shoulder injury I wrote about last month?  Well, all was going well.  I had a cortisone injection recently, and it worked pretty well.  I was going to PT, I thought it was going well.

Until I heard, and felt, that dry-heave inducing POP.

Shit fuck fuck shit FUCK!

So here I am, back on a high dose of pain meds and my arm that is supposed to be in a sling.  I am waiting for my doctor to try to fit me in before next Monday.  This hurts.  This sucks.  And I am afraid that I am facing down surgery.  Since it happened again, it may happen yet again.

So lesson is: physical pain and high doses of pain meds equals relief from heart-break.  Who new??

Love, Esme

This Just Hurts

13 Aug

I have tried repeatedly to write this post.  I have tried being snarky, I have tried being funny, and I have tried being blase.  It hasn’t worked.  I don’t know what else to do but be honest, and pour my heart out.  This post is more for me then you all, but you are definitely welcome to read along.

Two year ago, almost exactly, M walked into my life.  The gorgeous tall, blond-haired green-eyed Adonis walked into my life.  He walked in, sat down, and has been there ever since.  We dated for a short time.  When I was injured in the line of duty, he was the reason I ate twice a day.  He would come over and carry me to bed.  He saw to my basic needs without complaint.  He made me smile.

A couple of months into it, I stopped hearing from him.  It hurt, but not worth crying over.  I moved on.  30 days later, I got an unexpected phone call from him.  An ex was pregnant, I didn’t deserve him dropping me like that, could we please go out and talk about it.  Etc etc.

I don’t think we ever actually ‘dated’ again, but a few months later we started a sexual relationship.  But it was different than any other FB I had.  He would show up at my door at night and tell me to get dressed-we are going out.  He would take me to dinner, and not come in afterwards.  When we went out, his eyes were on me-even though he was constantly hit on.  He fought a guy in a bar who grabbed my ass.  We were, for all intents and purposes, dating.  But neither of us would admit it, and neither of us were faithful.  Neither of us wanted to be.  I was newly divorced, I had no desire to be tied down.  He was 27, and he was much more into the playboy lifestyle.  It was a perfect match.

Eventually, both of us started dating.  Him, the girl he became engaged to, and me a plethora of boys.  In the beginning of his relationship with this girl, he was unfaithful.  And that was with me.  I didn’t date anyone seriously, so I was doing who, and what, I wanted to.  The tide turned about 8 months into this.

He told me to not go on another date.  Please E, he said, just give me some time.  I want you, you belong with me.  Let’s figure this out.  That was the last thing I wanted-or needed-to hear.  I didn’t want to belong to anyone.  I didn’t want to wait for anyone.  I wanted to live my life and have fun.  I brushed him off.  Conversation over.

Our ‘meetings’ became few and far between.  I continued to date, he continued to struggle with his relationship.  One night, when we did meet up, he threw this out at me: I’m thinking about getting engaged.  I just feel like it’s the next step.  Unless you can give me a good reason not to.  For some reason, that news affected me, but I didn’t know why.  I told him he shouldn’t do it unless he was sure.  Then I let the matter drop.  I spent no time exploring that feeling.

Our time together became non-existent after that.  I had no desire to mess around with someone who was wanting to get serious with someone else.  Time passed, we talked some, but didn’t cross paths until it was time for me to move.

I brought my car to M, and he did some work on it.  I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him, and the heaviness out of my heart. He caught me staring a few times, and would just give me a knowing smile.  We went inside for a drink when he was done, and of course the conversation steered toward us.  You know, M, I am sure going to miss you.  He came over to where I was sitting, and put his hand on my cheek.  I think this is SUCH a personal move, and a tear ran down my cheek.  He leaned in and kissed me, and then we had some good-bye fun.

Throughout my absence, we would occasionally talk and text.  When he let me know he got engaged, it was like a knife through my heart.  I didn’t know what to do with that feeling.  I never expected to see him again, so I pushed it to the side.  I congratulated him, and I braced myself to never hear from him again.

I didn’t hear from M for months,  and then the texts started up again.  I’m guessing right around the time he realized he made a mistake in getting engaged.  When are you coming for a visit?  Any chance you are moving back?  When I knew I was moving back, I let him know.  Was I warning him?  Was I warning myself?  What did I accomplish by telling him this?  I could have not told him, come back, and just lived my life.  Maybe I should have done just that.

A couple of months before I moved back, I came to visit for St. Pats.  He caught wind of my visit, and tried to get me to see him.  I was so conflicted.  I wanted, with every ounce of my being, to run to him.  But I didn’t.  I don’t know why, but I didn’t.

So I move, and one of the first people I tell is M.  But I don’t see him until I have car problems.  When I do see him, I am shocked.  I have NEVER seen him so unhappy.  It’s like the light went out in him.  It broke a little piece of my heart.  I hated to see him like this, and I called him on it.  M, what is going on?  This isn’t you.  Why are you so unhappy?  M smiled sadly, and told me he wasn’t unhappy, but he was just living.  Surviving.  There was no point in arguing.  He didn’t want to hear it, and I was wasting my breath.

We started seeing each other again.  I wrote about this, we all know it.  One of my concerns was getting dragged into his unhappiness.

His unhappiness with his life lead to my heart-break.  It lead to the I can’t do this anymore.  It lead to You are such an amazing, special person, and you don’t deserve what I am doing to you.  It lead to When I am with you, it is just magic.  And I need to figure this out.  It lead to I didn’t know I felt SO STRONGLY for you.  It also lead to I am so incredibly unhappy with my life, and I didn’t realize it until you came into my life and mixed it all up.

I sat and listened to him with tears running down my face.  Please don’t cry, Esme.  I am not worth your tears.  Is this what you want?  Really?  Look what I asked of you!!  Why were you OK with this?  I feel like such a SHIT for putting this on you.  I should have dealt with my shit before I EVER talked to you about any of this.  I thought I could have the best of both worlds, but I can’t.  I need to figure out my life first.  And I need to do it without being pulled so many directions.

All I could do was sit and listen.  What do you say to this?  No, I’m not letting you leave?

E: You know, M, that my biggest regret was not fighting for you when you started dating the fiancée.  I am so angry at myself for not responding when you told me how you felt.  I am so mad at myself for not telling you how I felt when you told me you were engaged.
M: Why didn’t you?  Why didn’t you tell me?
E: Is there a good answer for that?  I wasn’t ready for it.  I also thought you were unobtainable.  Out of my league.
M: I don’t get why you thought I was unobtainable.  I wasn’t.  I just needed to hear it from you, and I didn’t.  You left, I never thought I would see you again, so I moved on.  I did what I thought was the best thing.

(As I recounted this convo for my mom, she got so angry.  He should have fought for you harder, instead of settling.  That’s what he did…he couldn’t have the best thing in his life, so he settled.  Gotta love moms.)

E: Don’t put that on me, M.  Just because I left doesn’t mean you had to get engaged to someone you didn’t truly want.  Don’t do that to me.

We talked a little more.  Well, he talked and I cried.  All he did was reiterate everything he had already said.  I couldn’t listen to him anymore.

E: Is all of this happening because I never told you I love you?
M: What?  No!  Esme, I know you love me.  I can see it in your eyes.  Your smile.  Your touch.  I’m not lying when I told you that you are special.  That I love you.  You never had to say it.  Because I knew.  And you know that I love you.  You know this.  Please tell me you know this.

I nodded my head.  I do know.

M: I just have to figure this out.  I have to figure out what is good for me.  Christ, E, I am thirty years old and I have nothing figured out.

I said OK.  What else can you say?  I said everything that was in my heart.  I let him know how I felt.  There is no mistaking where I am coming from.

Later that day I received a text message from him: I do love you.  Don’t give up on me.  Ever.

I spent two days crying on and off.  I am angry at myself for feeling like this.  I have so many doubts, because ingrained in my very existence is the fact guys lie.  And play games.  M knows this about me, and I got a random text message yesterday: You are not unlovable.  The problem lies with me.

My girl Sunday is pretty unsympathetic.  Did you really think this wouldn’t happen?  Did you expect him to make you happy?  Go date and find someone else.

Not what I want, or need, to hear right now.  And she was not the only one to tell me to go date.  Let me say right here, right now-I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING DATE RIGHT NOW!!  The thought of dating makes my stomach turn.  I am not going to date when my heart clearly belongs to someone else.  Don’t tell me to date.  Please.

And I don’t need the negativity.  I am fully aware it was a fucked up situation.  As much as I tried to be casual about it, I felt myself getting sucked in.  Before I went into it I KNEW I had strong feelings for him.  What did I expect?  I don’t know.  Maybe I expected to right the wrong from all of that time ago.  Maybe I felt that, even though I lost him, I could still have him in a small way.  Could still have him in my life.

What do I think will happen?  I think his sense of family will lead him to go into a marriage he doesn’t want.  If I hear from him again, I think it will be down the road, after he is so fucking miserable that he will be looking for a distraction.

Of course, it all seems so easy to me, or to anyone that may be on the outside looking in.

Godammit I love this guy.  How do I deal with this?

Damn ‘Know It All’s

7 Jul

Dear Mr. Know it All,

I really thought you knew me.  I thought you even cared about me.  It turns out that I was blinded by your charm.  I never expected my boyfriends to buy me fancy gifts or take me out to the nicest restaurants because I can provide myself with those things.  I only wanted the simplest things in the world like for you to sing me a song or to call me if you were going to be late but you thought you knew everything and you always had an excuse ready when it came to interrogation time.

Did you think that I was stupid or that I would let your behavior continue?  I know that men are far from perfect but you have no idea who I am and there is no point in pretending that you do.  When I tell you that I want to eat pizza on our anniversary, it doesn’t mean that I want to eat chicken.  When I tell you that I want to go to see a play it doesn’t mean I want to see a movie.  You thought you knew everything when I told you what I wanted and you completely ignored me.

I’ve done my best to fit my schedule around you and send you cute messages throughout the day without smothering you.  I even encouraged you to get out and see your friends.  But never in one day that we were together did you ever accommodate me and my needs.  What woman in their right mind would stick around?  I know I sure wasn’t.  Then again I guess our relationship never really mattered to you that much since when I did break up here’s what happened with a word play by play:

Me: I really wanted things to work out between us but every time I tried to communicate my desires to you, you just seemed that they really weren’t that important.

You: Well…I didn’t want what you wanted so there wasn’t really that much to do.

Me: Soooooo our relationship is based on you doing what you want, regardless of what I want. No compromising.

You: Yeah basically.

Me: [Click]

So, it wasn’t my finest moment, but I never got a phone call back, or text, or email.  Apparently he’s not missing much and neither am I.  The next time you think you know a woman, you should think again especially if you want to keep her next time around.

Love, Alley

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