Archive | April, 2012

A Pleasant Surprise

11 Apr

I received a phone call from Seal yesterday.  If you don’t remember him, he is the one that I met at my tactical medic class.  We became fast friends.  I met his wife, he taught me how to shoot, we had future plans to run a zombie 5k obstacle course in October we both had to shelve for a year-me because of my shoulder, and him because he got orders to head overseas.

Seal has been in the military for over 18 years.  You can retire at 20.  He was living out the rest of his time in the most beautifully perfect setting you could ever imagine.  After serving 5 tours overseas, they were finally letting him enjoy quality time with his wife and small son.  Or so we all thought.

When he called me a few months ago to tell me he received orders overseas, I was filled with a cold dread.  He is going to a notoriously dangerous area (but aren’t they all these days?), he has survived 5 times, and he is less than two years from retirement.  If that doesn’t reek of ‘risk of dying’, I don’t know what does.  Seal has become increasingly important to me, and I am worried.

But the good news?  He is making the rounds with his last month of freedom, and he has family in the state I reside in.  So yesterday he called to see if I was willing to pick him up from the airport and drive him the hour and a half to his family’s ranch, just so we could spend some time together.  I jumped at the opportunity, and he will buy me lunch.  So it’s a win-win.

I told Loverboy about it to gauge his reaction, and all he said was Thank him for his service for me.  Glad we are past that last argument.

I’m going to go get ready for what will probably be an emotional day.

Love, Esme

Things Heard While He Was Sleeping

11 Apr

Loverboy talks in his sleep.  For the most part, entertaining.  Sometimes it is just sweet.

Thank you for the kiss.

Don’t go baby, I will miss you.

You need to walk the plank!!

Don’t mind me, I’m hallucinating.

Snuggle snuggle?!? (that’s code for ‘let’s go fuck’)

I can’t believe this is happening!  What the fuck??

Baby, you’re beautiful.

Sometimes I answer, but when I do he always wakes up.  So I listen.  Sometimes I laugh, and other times I think Aww…he better be fucking dreaming of me…

Love, Esme

Didn’t Appreciate This AT ALL

9 Apr

Loverboy and I were playing Call of Duty and smack-talking.  I honestly love days like that…relaxing, no stress, just me and my man.

Until this happened.

He made some remark about my sexual exploits before I met him.  He said it joking, so I responded joking.  Whatever!  I’m not the one that had a threesome!

L: How many partners did you have after your divorce?
E: *still focused on killing the 12 year-old douchebag that just called me a cunt on COD* I don’t know, L.  I don’t really keep track.  8?  9?
L: 8  or 9 in three years?!?!
E: Yeah, so?  Its like three a year.  (as I sat there registering what we were discussing, I’m so glad my brain was smart enough not to spit out a higher number.  Especially after his reaction.  But since my divorce?  Really no clue)
L: That’s a lot!
E: What?  No it’s not!  I’m sure it rivals your number.  And who the fuck cares?  It is before I met you.  This is a pointless fucking conversation.
L: No, it doesn’t.  And no it’s not.  I’m bothered by this.
E: *throwing PS3 remote on his chest* And I don’t appreciate being called a slut.  You just made me feel horrible for something BEFORE I MET YOU!!!  Christ, Loverboy, I am not stupid or naive enough to think you had no sex between your divorce and me.  That’s also three fucking years for you!  Get a life and get over it!!

I didn’t leave his house, because I knew we needed to rehash this once I calmed down.  I went to his room and watched TV, got my heart rate back to normal, and was thinking about finding him to talk.  He found me instead.

L: Esme, I am so sorry.  You’re right, it’s before you met me, and I was completely in the wrong.  I never considered myself a jealous person.  With anyone else I may have dated, I could give a rats ass what they did or didn’t do.  But for some reason, when you say something about  a past relationship, I just get so jealous.
E: There is no reason to be jealous.  None.  And thank you for being honest, but you have to get the fuck over it.  You made me feel like shit, L.  And I did nothing wrong.  I know Ex-wife cheated on you multiple times, but I’m not her.  Just like you aren’t Ex-husband.  But the jealousy?  I’m not having it.  I have a lot of guy friends that I maintain very close relationships to.  Are you going to freak out about that?  Answer carefully, because people I’ve been friends with for ten-plus years will not go away.
L: No, no problem.
E: If it will make you feel better, I will introduce you to them soon.  But jealousy has no place in this relationship.

He said he understood.  He apologized throughout the night, did what he could to make up for it.

I gave up so many friends for my ex, I won’t do it again.  And hopefully it won’t be an issue again.  But it is noted.

Love, Esme

What Happened When I Said ‘IT’.

5 Apr

I finally said it. The ‘L’ word. I didn’t get quite the response I expected.

After an especially emotional lovemaking session, we were laying entangled in each others arms. I couldn’t hold it in anymore, so I blurted it out. Not very slick.

Loverboy stopped kissing my neck and said ‘what?’

I took a deep breath and repeated myself.

I love you. I do.

Loverboy smiled at me, a million dollar smile that I wish you could capture on film. Wow, he said. Wow.

Loverboy looked into my eyes for a long time, then fell asleep.

He never said it back, or has even acknowledged I said it since. He once told me that he never told his ex that he loved her, as he feels actions speak louder than worlds. But then again, he also said he never loved his ex. I think if I keep trying to probe his mind, I will go crazy.

So I said it, and I don’t regret it, because I do.

Right before he fell asleep, Loverboy told me that he wanted to take me to a ‘very nice dinner’ the following day. Turns out, he wound up sick the following day, and now I’m sick. So there hasn’t been much chance to talk about anything.

I’m not going to say it again. But now he can never say he doesn’t know how I feel. And in all honesty, I don’t want to hear it unless he 100% means it. This has been a learning journey for the both of us, and we are definitely learning as we go.

Love, Esme

Future Talk?

3 Apr

E: Holy crap, L!
L: What’s up, Babe?
E: A friend of mine has been dating this girl for three months.  THREE.  And he just got engaged to her.
L: And?
E: I don’t know, it just seems kind of fast.  But I guess when you know, you know.
L: And what do you know?
E: About what?
L: About me.
E: I would say…I know you are going to be in my life for a good part of my life.
L: 8smiling* Good.

Did we just discuss our future?

Love, Esme

Remember Him??

3 Apr

*sigh*

Yes…Medic.

Medic and I have remained friends, which was what my goal was when I cut off our late night trysts last summer.  We were friends to begin with, I love just spending time with him and talking to him, and I never wanted that to change.  So I ended things before they became difficult or complicated.

So imagine my surprise when, after our normal hey how are you texts, I received this text:

I mean, I’m glad you found your dude and all, but I wish we were still hanging out and all…

Hmm…how to approach this…

E: This would be a really long time to just be ‘hanging out’.  Things would be complicated by now, and that’s not something either of us wanted.

M: You’re right.  I know.

Dodged a bullet there.  The last thing I wanted to admit was that I was starting to look too forward to his visits.  We continued our normal back-and-forth banter for a while.  I teased him about something, and he said ‘blow me’.  I responded with my usual ‘you wish’, then I received this.

M: God dammit, E.  I wish we were still doing our thing!!

After sitting on that text for a half-hour, I told him that we had a hell of a time.  He agreed, and it hasn’t been brought up since.

Maybe it was already getting complicated.

Love, Esme