Tag Archives: divorce

I Hate These Thoughts…

4 Dec

OK, it is that time of relationship again…time for Esme’s ramblings.  And, of course, this comes in light of something happening with the ex-husband.

My ex managed to fork over a fuckton of money for a new lawyer.  Yes, his parents hate me oh so much that I am sure they plopped down five figures to fight little ol’ me.  The date of my protective order hearing has been moved up to this week, and I am frantically working on my defense (I just needed a break!  Lawyer jargon has me cross-eyed!)

I told Loverboy a very small amount of what happened.  Just that the ex got a lawyer and moved up the case.  His response was He’ll need ten lawyers if he is going to beat you!  Sweet sentiment.  But I am really starting to wonder what I may have gotten Loverboy into.  And if it is fair.

My ex has run off a fair share of my dates.  In all honesty, there was never anyone worth continuing to date.  So as much as my ex has irritated me in that regard, it hasn’t royally pissed me off.  But this time, it WILL if it happens.

I haven’t been very forthcoming about my abusive marriage, which I have stated before.  Loverboy knows he was not nice, but that is the extent of it.  He hasn’t asked, and I have not offered.  A majority of the reason I have not is because I haven’t wanted to scare him or run him off.  Because as much of a problem I have had with the ex during my marriage, post-marriage has been a lot worse.  Harassment, veiled threats of violence, threatening to hide the kids…it’s all just bad.  These days it takes a lot for the ex to make me crazy.  It takes a lot for him to piss me off to the point where I see red.  It just takes a lot to get me riled where he is concerned.  Which is good and bad…good I am finally becoming accustomed to it, and bad for the same reason.  So when it comes to sharing, I just don’t feel the need to because I don’t often let it affect me.  But the problem is-when it does, it does badly.  And it is noticed by everyone.  I just don’t want to have to warn him of that possibility.

I also hesitate to share because this is my problem, not his.  I am the one that made the regrettable decision to marry him.  I am the one that has had to deal with the fall-out.  I am the one that has this cross to bear, so to speak.  And I am afraid to share that burden.  It is such a heavy burden.  I feel like it would be really unfair to make him take that on.

What guy would actually knowingly stick around with all of this drama surrounding me?  Honestly, I think it would be safer for him to turn and run.  I HATE drama.  I try very hard to get it out of my life…no more Sunday, the order of protection so I don’t have to deal with the ex, etc.  I kick drama to the curb just like I do trash on Monday.  But the ex keeps bringing it back.  Keeps depositing it on my doorstep.  And I just can’t completely get rid of it because of this damn judicial system!!

So I am scared.  I’m scared one day I will share and Loverboy will tell me it’s just too much to handle.  I’m scared to not share in case he is upset that I didn’t trust in him enough.  I’m scared that the ex will find out about Loverboy and cause so much havoc that Loverboy will have no choice but to walk away from me.  I’m scared that I am pulling him into this never-ending web of lies, deceit, abuse and unknown.  I don’t feel like it is fair.  But I also don’t feel like life is being fair to me!  I meet this great guy, who wants to get to know me, who wants to be around me, and fucking drama in the form of my ex starts pulling shit again.

I am really trying to not let life cause any problems with this.  When I see Loverboy, I try to forget about the drama, about the bad.  I focus on him, on us.  I smile, I laugh, and I try to be in the here and now.  And I need that.  But at the end of the day, I can’t help but feeling like I am being unfair to him.

He wants to go with me to my OP hearing, and I said no.  The last thing I want is for him to listen to my ex-in-laws badmouth me for three hours.

Am I being unfair?  Is it right for me to date Loverboy knowing what I am going to be facing for the forseeable future?  What if I really like him?  The ex and I have not been an item for SO LONG…why can’t he just leave me alone?  WHEN IS IT MY FUCKING TURN FOR SOME EASY-BREEZY??

Love, Esme

A New Record?

29 Nov

Well ladies…tomorrow will be the sixth night I will spend with Loverboy.  1-2-3-4-5-6.  SIX.  I have never made it to six.  And I definitely have never waited six nights to sleep with someone.  I guess I am really digging this guy, huh?

He texted me today to remind me that we have a date tomorrow night.  As if I could forget.  We are going to see Harold and Kumar, and go to dinner.  And I have NOTHING to wear.  Figures.

But I do have a question for you girls.

Today I had to get an Order of Protection against my ex-husband.  He actually verbally assaulted me as we were leaving the courtroom this last week, and I feel like I was five seconds away from physical danger.  I found a bailiff, and got help.  And that lead me to today, and my new order.  So the question?  Bear with me…

Loverboy knows very little about my ex.  He knows he was not a nice person, but that is it.  And I don’t know how, or if, I should bring it up.  I still attend a domestic violence support group, and I put the question to them.  I got five different responses.  I feel like if I keep quiet, then something happens and he finds out that way, it’s like lying by omission.  But I am also afraid that if I say something, he will run away screaming, which I couldn’t blame.

Thoughts??

Love, Esme

Won’t Back Down

28 Nov

I know…it’s been a week!  I am such a skank!

I have been listening to this song A LOT.  Especially while I have been in the midst of a custody battle:

That’s right, you fucking prick.

I’m not going anywhere.

Pull shit on me, and I will fight right back.  I backed down so many times over the course of my marriage.  NO MORE.  And my ex learned that one in court this week.

His lawyer withdrew because my ex is a supreme douche dumpster.  And he told the judge that, as well.  My ex came at me, and I counter acted every fucking argument.

So I am just going to say it.  Courtesy of Eminem.

Damn my dick’s big!!  (metaphorically, of course).

We still have a long battle, but damn if I am not winning skirmish after skirmish.  Without a lawyer.

I fucking rock.

That is all.

Oh…did you come to hear about Loverboy?  I guess I can give you a quick synopsis of what is going on…

We have seen each other several times over the last week and a half.  He came over for a movie after my kids went to bed a couple of times.  We went to the movies last night.  His kisses just make me melt.  I’m talking goosebumps over my body, shivers down my spine.  He knows just where to kiss on my neck to make me puddle.  Loverboy makes me feel like a teenager.  So far we have made out on my couch, his couch, his car, and a movie theater.  And nothing has gone over the PG mark.  He told me last night that he can’t wait to maul me.  I can’t wait, either…damn it will be good…now?  PLEASE??

Loverboy is very respectful of boundaries.  I think he has a better idea of what they are then I do.  It’s refreshing to meet someone who knows how to behave like a gentleman.  I still have no idea how to handle that.  He told me I was beautiful…then didn’t try to fuck me.  He holds my hand when we are walking.  He constantly thanks me for seeing him.  He hugs.  He kisses.  He whispers in my ear.  He kisses me on the cheek and forehead.  He plays with my hair.  It’s all so…nice.

And I have to admit that I am completely giddy.

DAMN IT.

Love, Esme

My Blog, So There

13 Oct

I know, I know…my third post in a day!  What the hell is this world coming to??  My blog, my world, so suck it bitches.  I have been sick for the last six weeks, and all of a sudden I have a crapload of things in the mix.  If I don’t get it all out my head is going to implode and that just won’t do because I quite like it…

I know you are appreciating the new look of the blog…it’s all edgy, right?  Much more my style.  I was trying to be nice and sweet before, but it is truly not me.  And it is high time things in my life reflect my personality.  Someone recently said my personality is fiery. To that I say fuck yes it is.  Someone else paid me the highest compliment I have ever received.  That person said when I walk into a room, people can’t help but to turn and notice.  Again…fuck yes!  That tells me I have finally reached a point in my life where I exude confidence.  Anyways…new blog look…goes with my personality…blah blah blah…also goes with my new makeover.  Makeover, you say?  Read on sluts…

I have ALWAYS wanted to be a bad girl.  Since I was in high school.  I think all of my friends can attest to that.  I wasn’t.  Why?  Because my brother was the bad one.  He was into drugs, in and out of jail, thieving, etc.  My parents didn’t need another bad kid.  So, I was the good one.  Even when I went to college I stayed good.  I would say I was pretty popular, but I wasn’t the girl guys dated.  Not anywhere near close.  To up my social life I joined a fraternity (service) and a social sorority (what’s up bitches!!!).  Still didn’t date.  I didn’t even fuck anyone in college until I met my future, and consequently ex, dumb-shit.  I tell everyone my biggest regret is not being a whore in college.

Fast forward ten years.  It’s 2010.  I LOVE 2010.  Why?  Because I have finally discovered it is OK to embrace the person I want to be, and the person I know I am.  I have been blogging since last year, and looking back I have had some GREAT fucking experiences.  Mr. Hottie, ambulance guy…aaaahhhhh…but I would have enjoyed them a hell of a lot more if I just would have realized who the fuck I was!  I am a FUCKING BAD GIRL!  I make no apologies for the way I am, and I never will.  I embrace my sexuality, and my sensuality.  I walk with purpose and I fuck anyone up who dares to tell me I can’t.  To prove I can, I will show you I can-and you know who you are.  I strut in stilettos and I am tattooed.  I dye my hair dark and I wear dark eye make-up.   I have life saving hands and I am looking at taking kick-boxing lessons-so I can take the life of the next fuck who thinks he can hit me.

So yes, I am a bad-ass bitch.  And I fucking LOVE it!

Love, Esme

On A Serious Note

6 Aug
“Domestic violence causes far more pain than the visible marks of bruises and scars.  It is devastating to be abused by someone that you love and think loves you in return.”-Dianne Feinstein

I know this post is off the track I ordinarily take.  Bear with me here.

I am a victim of domestic violence.  If you have read through most of my blog I have said as much a couple of times.  But I have never discussed it.  And it needs to be discussed for a number of reasons.  One, to raise and maintain awareness.  Two, because it has made me who I am today.

Hindsight is always 20/20.  The signs were always there.  The possessive way he would talk to me.  His body language toward me.  After the first hit I stayed-stupidly.  Thought I could make it work.  I didn’t want to be divorced.  This was the man I had pledged forever to, in front of God-family-friends.  I asked him to go to counseling.  He refused, said he had no issues with our relationship.  I went on my own, wanted to see if there was something I could do differently.

I eventually became so sick of the name calling and the pushing that I stopped having sex with him.  Wait-let me rephrase that-I tried to stop having sex with him but he forced himself on me anyways.  I endured this for a few years.  Hoping-hoping-hoping things would change.  Get better.  It didn’t.  It just got worse.  For so long I ignored the abuse.  I talked away the signs and symptoms.  This man told me he loved me! Surely that meant I wasn’t a battered woman…

Looking back, I can’t pinpoint what exactly drove me over the edge.  I literally woke up one day, marched out to the kitchen, and told him I wanted a divorce.  It didn’t go over well.  He cried, begged me to give him another chance.  I was done.  I tried for YEARS to get him help.  I don’t think he thought I would ever actually leave.

Our divorce was a long, drawn-out ordeal.  Cops were called, motions were filed.  I got to the point where I just wanted it to be over.  I wanted to be able to move on.  I wanted to get started on my new life.  I agreed to things I probably shouldn’t have, but I don’t regret it.  I got him to sign the documents.  I stood in front of a judge with my right hand raised and swore my marriage was ‘irreconcilable’.  When the judge signed under our names, I almost did a cart-wheel down the aisle.  I was FREE.

I have to say that I did have a brief moment of sadness.  I felt guilty about celebrating the end of what was supposed to be forever.  Then I realized he gave up forever when he called me a cunt-in front of my kids.  When he hit me.  When he pushed me into a wall while I held my then baby boy.  And all feelings of sadness disappeared.  Even my worst day without him is better than my best day with him.

I made sure to get help for myself.  My biggest fear is getting back into a relationship like that.  I went to a domestic violence support group, where I met so many wonderful women-just like me.  I started going back to church.  I talked about the abuse with friends and other caring individuals.  Each time I discussed it I became stronger.  Embracing the abuse made me confront the abuse.  Once I fully understood what I went through, I was able to heal.

I am not looking to forget my past.  Not looking to completely recover from it even.  I don’t think you can.  It is a part of who I am.  I am not ashamed of it.  It hurts my heart when I hear other stories of abuse.  It isn’t a sisterhood anyone should be a part of.  But, unfortunately, there are many of us out there.

Love, Esme