Tag Archives: Medic

Remember Him??

3 Apr



Medic and I have remained friends, which was what my goal was when I cut off our late night trysts last summer.  We were friends to begin with, I love just spending time with him and talking to him, and I never wanted that to change.  So I ended things before they became difficult or complicated.

So imagine my surprise when, after our normal hey how are you texts, I received this text:

I mean, I’m glad you found your dude and all, but I wish we were still hanging out and all…

Hmm…how to approach this…

E: This would be a really long time to just be ‘hanging out’.  Things would be complicated by now, and that’s not something either of us wanted.

M: You’re right.  I know.

Dodged a bullet there.  The last thing I wanted to admit was that I was starting to look too forward to his visits.  We continued our normal back-and-forth banter for a while.  I teased him about something, and he said ‘blow me’.  I responded with my usual ‘you wish’, then I received this.

M: God dammit, E.  I wish we were still doing our thing!!

After sitting on that text for a half-hour, I told him that we had a hell of a time.  He agreed, and it hasn’t been brought up since.

Maybe it was already getting complicated.

Love, Esme




The Year Of Esme

16 Oct

I’ve decided to kick of The Year Of Esme. From now until next Halloween…it’s all about me. And anyone else I decide to make it about. Decisions I make will be on my terms. Somewhere in there they will benefit me. I’m done giving so much of myself to everyone else. Along the way…I lose who I am. No more!

And to kick off the new year? I meet with Medic. Oh yes…it was a great start. Damn I love the way he kisses…

Love, Esme

Esme is back.

14 Oct

Do you ever just get so overwhelmed you shut down?  Because I do.  I am there with so many things.  Not with the custody battle (that shit is ON).  Not with the shoulder (because that will work itself out.  I’m not even worried about it).  But with some friends.  And definitely with guys.  Let me explain.

I have really struggled with the whole Sunday debacle.  And I am mad at myself for struggling.  It’s hard for me to throw away an 8 year friendship.  On one side, friendships do take work.  But on the other, and much stronger, side?  She NEVER should have done what she did.  Never should have involved friends.  Never should have stolen my meds.  Never should have involved my roommate.  Never should have done so many other things I never wrote about.  That friendship took so much of my energy, and time, that I didn’t realize how drained I was until I didn’t have to do it anymore.  I’m not going back there…I refuse…but I’m finding it kind of hard to let go fully.  All in time.

Men.  Men are starting to frustrate the crap out of me.  No, I take that back.  They have always frustrated the crap out of me.  However I am at the point where I just want to take a break.  Not a break from sex…pssssshhhhhh…I don’t break from sex.  But I’m done trying to date.  I had WAY MORE FUN when I was out for my own pleasure.  Let’s just recap for a second, shall we?

Why I hate trying to date:

  1. Feelings.  I can’t stand feelings.  Fuck.  Them.  They led me to crying over M.  I ran my mascara and eye-liner for that douchero.  I have to say…that’s just not an attractive look for me.
  2. Guys like Fighter, and guys like dude with 8 kids.  I want to vomit every time I think about how I had to shell over money for 3 out of 4 dates.  Or how guys can just fail to mention they run a home straight out of a Brother’s Grimm fairy tale.  That shit is just not OK.
  3. Too much fucking energy.  I live life pretty unapologetically.  And I am realizing guys just don’t dig that.  I still didn’t apologize for anything, but I found myself pulling in the reins some.  And then I would get pissed off.  A dude should like me for me.  
  4. The uncertainty.  I’m never uncertain.  But damn if some of the behavior I witnessed had me second guessing myself.  Again, just not OK.
  5. Having to dumb myself down to talk on their level.  I say that, and I realize how it sounds.  I never acted stupid.  I didn’t start twirling my hair, popping my gum, or saying uummmm….like totally.  But I did find I had to use small words and talk like a kindergarten teacher when I explained the fundamentals of Relationship 101.  No, I’m not going to miss my kid’s soccer game to go watch you play golf.  No, I’m not going to let you do something sexually repulsive to me that I’m not comfortable with.  Yes, I am a big girl and can make my own decisions, like what I want to order for dinner.  No, I am not going to blow you in your car just because you bought me dinner.  Why yes, I am a very strong and opinionated woman, because I was taught to be vocal and say what I want.  (All you have to do is imagine me bracing my hands on my knees while I get on their level talking in a kindergarten teacher voice.  I really did this.)  Too much energy!!  Too much idiocy!!  Where do guys come from these days??
Now, let’s explore why I am going back to being my lovable Esme self:
  1. I can do what I want when I want with whom I want.  ‘Nuff said.
  2. I don’t have to apologize for anything.  Again, ’nuff said.
  3. I can call who I want, whenever I want.  And amazingly enough, the response is better when I am dating someone.  Example #1:  Hey boyfriend, you should come over.  Can’t babe, sorry, busy.  Example #2:  You.  Me.  Sex.  Now.  I will be right over.
  4. I’m a lot more satisfied.  And I’m not just talking sex, even though that’s the case as well.  I’m more satisfied because all I have to worry about is me, and my little family.  There is no one else to take into account.  I make a decision, and it doesn’t get questioned.  It doesn’t get argued.  It doesn’t get changed.  I wake up in the morning to the world I left the night before.  And I truly love that.
  5. I’m in control of my own destiny.  Kind of ties into #4.  I have no one to blame, but myself, as I made my own decisions.  Likewise, I can take full credit when things go well, because it was all me.  I am 100% in charge of my life, and I don’t have to run things by anyone.
  6. I am free to change my mind whenever I want, how often I want.  I never get bored.
  7. I just truly enjoy my life more when all I need to do is live for me.  What does that tell me?  That I have yet to find a great guy who is worthy of me.  It also tells me that I am probably not ready for a committed relationship.  I’m so glad I can be honest with myself about this.
I’ve spent the last two weeks trying to figure things out with Sunday.  Figure things out with M (No, we aren’t seeing each other…but had a few convos that messed me up some…done with all of that, too).  Figure out where I was going wrong.
It all came down to the fact that I started to forget who I was.
I realized that with M, I tried to be the person he wanted me to be.  He didn’t love me, he loved what he thought I could be.
I realized with Sunday, I bent over backwards because I was afraid of losing the relationship I thought we had.
I realized that I was sacrificing parts of me I love because I didn’t feel like having to explain myself or my actions.
And it won’t happen any more.
What snapped me out of it?  A long convo with Jake.  Oh…how I heart him.
It seems the fates agree with my decision to bring back my sassy self.  Guess who I heard from today?  Ambulance Guy.  Yes…Mr. AG himself.  We have been out of contact for a couple of months.  Not on purpose, but life just took over.  He texted me today, and asked how I was doing.  We had some superficial conversation, which is how I like it if I plan on having a sexual relationship with someone.  Then he got right to it.
AG: I want to see you.
E: Yeah.
AG: I could go for a drink and sex.
E: And I could go for your hands on my body, your mouth replacing them.
AG: Shit…
E: I want to be unable to walk.  I want to feel you for three days.
AG: Sunday?  Please say Sunday…
He better come over on Sunday.
Medic has also been texting me lately.  I really enjoy being with Medic.  It’s easy, there are no feelings involved (at least on my end), and it takes so little thought its almost embarrassing.  But I’m wondering if it has run it’s course.  The last two times we planned on getting together, one of us has backed out.  I can sit here, think about our time together, and I get hot and bothered.  Holy shit we have some great sex.  But when it comes time for him to come over, I’m just not feeling it.  I will give it a few days before I make a decision on it.  I have a few things on my plate, so it could be just stress.
So there you have it.  Enough with the mushy and sad posts.  Enough with the stupid L-Word.  Enough second guessing and worrying and wondering and crying and everything else.
I’m back.
My only worry is where to stay for Vixens in Vegas 2012.
Love, Esme

Music+Memories=Not Always A Good Time

20 Sep

This week hasn’t been a great one.  And the awesomeness of it was cumulated yesterday when I found out the my surgery has been postponed.  The surgery that took weeks to schedule.  Why was it postponed?  Because workman’s comp failed miserably at doing their job.  Absolutely fucking miserably.  Apparently there was particular paperwork to be filed, and my original adjuster dropped the ball.  So while she is being investigated, they have to re-investigate my claim.  So basically it has to start all over.  Fucking phenomenally awesome.  Am I the only one this shit happens to?  I just want to go back to work!!!!!

Now back to my originally scheduled post.

I am one of those people who puts music to memories.  I doubt I am the only one out there who does.  Music can make me feel happy, sad, enraged, content.  A certain song can open an absolute floodgate of memories and emotions.  Some are welcome, some are not.  A lot of time I will associate a memory with what is playing on my iPod when a particular event happens.  Sometimes a hear a song and I could have written it word for word based on an event that happened.  Sometimes there is no good reason as to why a song reminds me of something that has happened.  And I seem to like the word ‘happened’ today.

I was listening to my iPod when this song played:

I’ve posted this song in the past.  It reminds me word for word of M.  I cried for the first time over him in weeks.  And I think I needed it.  I have been asked out on a number of dates recently, and I have turned all of them down.  M still occupies too much of my heart.  I know that if I do date someone right now, I won’t give the date a fair shot.  I’ll just keep enjoying my Medic time thankyouverymuch.

The only other guy I ever cried over was Perfect.  We had a tumultuous relationship, which you can read about by clicking his tag.  The feelings I had in that relationship were exponentially worse than they should have been, given the fact it was the first relationship after my divorce.  I listened to this song to make me feel better:

But soon after, I was listening to this one:

When I finally am lucky enough to meet my Mr. Right, this is the song that will have to be sung to him (not by me, as I am a horrific singer.  But by someone else for me):

This next one I dedicate to my ex-husband.  If it weren’t for all of the shit he put me through, I wouldn’t be the person I am today:

This song reminds me of my grandmother:

I dedicate this song to all of the men that have dicked me over-LOVE IT.  Listen to the words, and you will see why:

Every time I hear this song it gets me in the mood for a little bit of Medic:

I fell in love with this song after watching Ladder 49 (which almost made me quit the academy!).  When I had to fill out the department ‘In case you die in the line of duty’ paperwork, I only had two requests: an all female honor guard and this song.  This song reminds me of the sacrifice of those before me (personally and professionally).  And it gives me solace that I am being watched over:

There are so many songs, so many memories.  I leave you with just one more.  So often I am told by well-meaning friends that if I just change a little I would have better luck with dating.  What they fail to realize is this-the last time I compromised myself, I wound up in an abusive marriage.  I will never again change anything.  I will never hide anything.  I very much love who I am.  I am perfect:

Much love,


A Distraction

15 Sep

The cop still hasn’t asked me out on a date, and for the most part has tapered off communication.  So I’m done.  The last thing I am is desperate.  As much as I would love to meet up with him (again), I am not going to wait around and/or beg him to go out with me.  I made it perfectly clear, once and once only, that I want to see him.  I don’t need to reiterate it.

Plus I have a little problem still anyways.

I feel a little guilty trying to date again because I still have feelings for M.

I know they will eventually go away, it will just take some time.  I hope he thinks about me all of the damn time.  Is that wrong to think?  I don’t fucking think so.  I just wish the memories and the pain would go away.

Since M has been on my mind lately, I knew I needed a distraction.

Dum dum duuuuummmmmm…that’s right, enter Medic stage left.

Medic has been texting me for the last week or two, and I have been turning him down.  I was too busy feeling girlie emotions.  Sooo…I decided it was high time to put an end to that bull shit.  Plus I really wanted to get laid.

Medic is easy for me.  There is absolutely no pretense between us.  There is no pretending on why we are getting together.  The texts we send say things like You should come over, I want to get laid. or I want to come over, and you are going to rock my world.  There is no mistaking what we are looking for, or what we want from each other.  Sometimes it is just sex, and other times it is a day-long affair of drinking, talking, than sex.

Today was one of those day-long affairs.  He humored me because I am so very bored.  Plus, Will is out-of-town on business, so I had our place to myself.  He brought the beer, I bought the pizza.  We watched Dodgeball.  We caught each other up on gossip.  Then, and only then, did we get down to business.

Medic had to leave right after, he had to go play volleyball for his department.  I was actually sad to see him leave-I still wanted more sex, and more fun time.  But it was not meant to be.  He gave me a hug and told me he would be over next weekend, and I could have all the time I wanted.  I broke the embrace and just stared at him.  Do we really not talk much about our personal lives?  Apparently not.  Medic, I go into surgery next Thursday.  I won’t be anywhere NEAR ready for sex next weekend.

Well shit, he replied.  Is Will gone any other days before then?  I shook my head.  Then you are just going to have to come to me before then.  I’ll give you enough to last on while you recover some.

Well shit.  I think I will.

Love, Esme

Today…I’m Owing Allegiance To That Bad Girl Fairy.

3 Aug

So as I was writing my quick little post last night, Medic was indeed on his way over.  I shut off the computer, and laid on my bed-settling in for the wait.  A minute later, my phone chirped with one word: Here.

I can’t even begin to explain the rush I felt when I read those words.  I jumped off the bed and tripped over my laptop cord.  I tried to right myself, and succeeded in knocking crap off my dresser.  I tripped going down the stairs and I was out of breath when I opened the door.  Damn…but the promise of great sex turns me into a teenage girl.

There he stood wearing a fire department t-shirt and shorts.  He had a ball cap on backwards, and I can tell his head was freshly shaved.  He was wearing glasses, which I had never seen.  It only added to his sex appeal.

I hugged him when he stepped in the door.  What I wanted to do was throw him against the wall, rip of his clothes and go to town.  But I refrained.  I’m not sure what his comfort zone is.

We migrated up to my room, watched some TV, and talked about his vacation.  I noticed that he kept staring at me when he thought I wasn’t looking.  Not in a creepy way, but in an ‘I have to look at her awesomeness’ way.  An ‘I’m gonna rock her fucking world’ way.  An ‘I’m gonna get up the nerve in just a minute’ way.  Yes, all of those looks rolled into one.  I know I should have taken pity on him and just kissed him.  I should have pounced like the cougar (or whatever I am called) I am.  But I just couldn’t.  Medic just looked so damn adorable trying to plan his next move.  I was a little puzzled by his hesitancy, as he has already rocked my world twice, but maybe this is where the age thing comes into play.  I wanted to pounce on him as soon as I saw him.  He had to be comfortable.  Girl.

I was laying on my massive California king bed, and he was leaning over me trying to look intimidating with his new haircut.

M: See?  I can do it.  Intimidating.  Insert completely hysterical constipated look here.
E: *Laughing* Sorry Medic, but no.
M: After repeated tries. Esme!  If you weren’t laughing, I could do it!!  Stop it!
E: OK…I’m centering my chi.  OK, OK.  Try now.  I covered my head with my quilt.

Medic moved the quilt back from my head and looked into my eyes.  NOW he looked intimidating.  My breath caught in my throat as his gaze lowered to my lips.  His eyelids slowly closed as he leaned in for one spectacular kiss.

As soon as his mouth touched mine, I threw my arms around his neck and deepened the kiss.  I’m not sure it he wanted to take it slow, but if he did I killed it.  I wanted to feel his weight on me.  I wanted to run my hands on his strong chest.  I wanted to rake my nails on his back.  I wanted to own him.  And I wanted him to own me.

Clothes quickly got in the way, and we were clawing at each other trying to get them off.  He finally had enough sense to climb off and get undressed.  I, however, watched him instead of undressing myself.  I got to look at the fine specimen that was mine for the night.  I licked my lips in anticipation.

He crawled back over to me on the other side of the bed.  I had propped myself up on my elbows to watch him.  He had that intimidating look again, and it did nothing but turn me on even more.  He stopped just short of me.  He weaved his fingers through my hair, closed his fist, and yanked my head back exposing my throat.  It was a sexy, hot, the right amount of rough, and it was on.

Medic, again, did not disappoint.  He thrived on making me moan, making me yell out.  He trailed the beads of sweat running down my back with his fingers. He rained kisses all over my body.  He tested my limits, but did so respectfully.  He talked dirty, and I loved it.  I ran my nails down his back and across his ass.  I bit his shoulder, marking my territory.  It was primal.  It was needed.  And it was mine.

Afterward, we lay entwined on the bed.  My quilt on the floor, my sheets entangled in our legs.  My head was on Medic’s chest, I could feel his heart race and his breath coming fast.  My hair was damp, clinging to our bodies.  I was breathing hard and I could only utter one word: WOW.

M: You weren’t too bad yourself.
E: You did all the work today…if I wasn’t ‘too bad’, that is a direct reflection on you and your skill.

Medic chuckled and pulled me in for a kiss.  Our post-sex bedroom talk consisted of our sexual boundaries and what each of us wants to try.  We talked about our craziest sexual experience.  I finally rolled over and fell asleep with a smile on my face.

At six in the morning, Medic’s alarm went off.  He searched for his clothes and got dressed.

E: You know…one of these days we will be smart enough to do this when you don’t have to get up for work the next morning at the ass-crack of dawn.  You are fucking killing me.
M: I know.  I’m killing myself.  I will see you later.

I waved him out of my bedroom and heard him leave.  I sighed, and closed my eyes as memories of the night before assaulted my senses.

Love, Esme

More Medic Time?

2 Aug

Hey girls.  I know I have been neglecting you all…much has happened lately and I have let the blog fall to the wayside.  But back to why we are all here…the boys…

M and I are occasionally talking and texting.  He has been horribly busy, and I am becoming increasingly frustrated.  I keep asking to meet up, and I keep getting pushed to the side for other projects.  I feel like if he L-WORDs me, he would take 30 minutes out of the craziness to see me.  Am I wrong?  I don’t think so.  I have seen him three times since he dropped all of this into my lap.  Over a month ago.  I am the last person who wants a clingy man, but I expect SOME time.  I am so frustrated that I have to take a step back, time out, whatever you want to call it.

Well!!  It’s like the Bad Girl fairy heard my cries of frustration, and dropped a temporary solution into my lap.  Medic was on vacation for the last week and a half in Florida (DICK), and just got back yesterday.  My phone chirped about four hours ago.

M: What u up to tonight?  (GOD I hate text-ese)
E: Same thing I’m up to a lot lately.  A whole lot of nothing.
M: I have training tonight at 7
What I wanted to write here was ‘Hooray for you’, or ‘You are telling me this because?’.  THEN…stupid Esme…I realized he wanted to have some fffffuuuuuuuunnnnnnnn tiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeee!
E: You are more than welcome to come over after training.
M: It won’t be til 10-11
E: That’s ok.

SO!  Here I sit and fantasize.  I am turning into a puddle.  But wouldn’t you know it…a large storm started about 2 hours ago.  The Bad Girl fairy is still looking after me, however, because there seems to be a break.  And he is going to try to swing it.  I will definitely keep you updated!

Love, Esme