Archive | July, 2012

Esme vs. Daughter

25 Jul

As you may have guessed from the title, things got worse.

Loverboy and I finally had to agree to not talk about Daughter.  Why?  Well, read on.

He came home from work the other day.  I was at his house since I had both sets of children, so I figured I would make a nice home-cooked meal.  L walks in the door, sunny and happy, until he realizes Daughter is home.  Like someone flipped a switch, he became sullen, grumpy, and reserved.  Basically, a shit to be around.

During dinner, the two of them started getting into it.  I finished my meal, and shooed the other kids out of the dining room.  A few minutes later, L comes storming out, throws his plate in the sink, and follows Daughter down the stairs into her basement dwelling.

An hour passes.

L finally emerged, and is pulling the fake happy off with everyone.  I am sure everyone knows what that is-it is obnoxious, annoying, irritating, and any other negative -ing adjective you can think of.  I ask to speak with him upstairs, and I let some more of what is bothering me off of my chest.

I informed him that every time his daughter is around, his disposition changes dramatically.  My kids ask about it, his kids ask about it. He treats everyone different.  He won’t hug or kiss me when she is around (but will in front of his younger kids).  He barely talks to me when she is around.  He doesn’t smile.  Get the idea?  He is letting his 21-year-old run his emotions.

L then told me that he doesn’t know how to take what I have said, and that his attitude doesn’t change.  I reiterated it does indeed change.  He said it bothers him when I talk about Daughter.  He said he knows she has issues, he knows she is a loser, but he will never turn his back on her, and she will always have a place to live.  He said he doesn’t want me to bring it up again.

I looked at him for a minute, and said OK.  I was totally thrown by his last comment, because he always asks for advice.  I always tell him that she isn’t my daughter, so I can’t say.

Several days ago he brought up us moving in together.  I told him that until he and his daughter fix whatever they have going on, I won’t move in.  He seemed to accept it.  He knows I have become increasingly uncomfortable, and he told me then that she will always have a home with him.  So we all know I will never win this.  I don’t think I should even expect to.

Sorry, I know this post is kind of rambly.  I am just so torn and lost.

We have been talking about future stuff lately-never thought I would do that again!  Anyways-we have.  He wants a future with me.  He wants me to move in with him next year.  He wants me.  

So…stop me if I am wrong here…

I think at some point I should expect to be first.  I think for once he should focus on his happiness, and tell Daughter that if she can’t play ball, she can get her own fucking life instead of mooching off of him.  I am not saying to cut her out.  I am not saying to replace her.  I am simply saying that he should focus on Loverboy.

And, of course, I want to know that I mean enough to him that he stands up for me and/or fights for me.

He tells me often that I am so important to him.  And yet I now feel like limitations have been placed on our conversations.  On our relationship.  On our future.

To end the conversation, I told him that if he continues to let her call the shots, he is going to wind up a lonely old man, and it could be someday soon.

He reiterated how much I mean to him.  I shook my head, and walked out of the room.

I’m wondering if this can only end one way.

Love, Esme

 

Advertisements

I Womaned Up…

14 Jul

Loverboy and I finally had the convo I have been dreading…the convo about his daughter.

I finally told him that I have become increasingly uncomfortable when she is home, and that is why I have left on several occasions.  I told him that I am tired of cleaning up after her-and I don’t even live there.  I told him that I have a problem with the comments, and the outright disrespect she shows in my presence.  I also told him that I will continue to make myself scarce when she is home, because I don’t want to be the cause of any of their problems.

L told me that he knows his daughter is a major loser (how sad is that when you say that about your own kid?  But it is true).  He said that he doesn’t think she has hostility toward me, but the situation of him dating after being single for so long.  He also said that she will always be welcome in his home-no matter what.

I expected that last line, and was prepared for it.  I would never expect someone to give up their child for a relationship.

L reiterated that he feels Daughter would be acting like this anyways-no matter who he dated.  He then told me that I am also always welcome in his home, and he will never ask me to leave just because Daughter is angry or upset.

So basically what I got from the conversation is this-absolutely nothing.

I don’t expect him to choose sides-I am sure I would lose.  I don’t expect him to kick her out, even though I really think she needs to learn a life lesson.  So what did I expect?  I am not sure.  A promise that he would talk to her about her behavior?  That would have been a start.

I often try to think about mine and L’s future…and I can’t get past next year.  I believe we will never be able to move forward until he gets the daughter situation handled.  Her behavior, her disrespect, her partying and drinking, her complete lack of direction, plans, and future.  

We won’t move in together if she is there-I don’t want that around me or my kids.  We won’t continue to have a good relationship if I am always concerned about how my presence affects their relationship.  L has asked me to please put differences aside and find a way to get along.  I don’t think we have differences, just one bad attitude I’ve attempted to get along with.

I just don’t know what to do from here.  I love him, so very much.  I love his other children.  I love US.  But how long can this continue?

Love, Esme

Sooo…Apparently I Haven’t Posted…

12 Jul

In, like, FOREVER.  FFFOOORRR-EEEVVVVV-EEEERRRRRR (props to whomever can name the movie).

I have no account of anguish.  No sad saga of salty tears shed.  Not even a concerning chronicle of cat-fights.  (Hooray for alliteration!!)

Things have been…phenomenal.  Well, with Loverboy, at least.

Sure we have had little spats.  Who doesn’t?  But the important thing is we have been able to work through them without misunderstandings, miscommunications, and misfires.

Our only slight snag?

His daughter.

It seems she has been taking some anger and frustration she has with her father, and moving it toward me.  She makes very thinly veiled remarks when I am within ear shot.  She brings me up whenever they argue.  L has told her that what he and I do together is none of her concern, but it keeps happening.

I am at the point that when she is home (which is rare), I leave.  If I have my kids, we all leave.  I have gotten increasingly uncomfortable being in her presence.  I mentioned it to L, and he is aware of the situation, but he is at a loss at what to do.  He is still holding out hope that she will move out soon, that she will finally grow up and get a life, that etc. etc. etc.

It’s not going to happen.

This is a woman in her early twenties that is completely content at her part-time minimum-wage job because it covers her cigarettes, booze, and weed.  AND THAT’S IT.  I have never met someone who has literally no ambition.

NONE.

Big.  Fat.  Zero.

I have told him that I will never move in with him as long as she is living in his basement.  I refuse to battle daily with someone who has no respect for me, or for her dad.

I’m not sure where we go from here…

Love, Esme