Tag Archives: Vegas

Esme is back.

14 Oct

Do you ever just get so overwhelmed you shut down?  Because I do.  I am there with so many things.  Not with the custody battle (that shit is ON).  Not with the shoulder (because that will work itself out.  I’m not even worried about it).  But with some friends.  And definitely with guys.  Let me explain.

I have really struggled with the whole Sunday debacle.  And I am mad at myself for struggling.  It’s hard for me to throw away an 8 year friendship.  On one side, friendships do take work.  But on the other, and much stronger, side?  She NEVER should have done what she did.  Never should have involved friends.  Never should have stolen my meds.  Never should have involved my roommate.  Never should have done so many other things I never wrote about.  That friendship took so much of my energy, and time, that I didn’t realize how drained I was until I didn’t have to do it anymore.  I’m not going back there…I refuse…but I’m finding it kind of hard to let go fully.  All in time.

Men.  Men are starting to frustrate the crap out of me.  No, I take that back.  They have always frustrated the crap out of me.  However I am at the point where I just want to take a break.  Not a break from sex…pssssshhhhhh…I don’t break from sex.  But I’m done trying to date.  I had WAY MORE FUN when I was out for my own pleasure.  Let’s just recap for a second, shall we?

Why I hate trying to date:

  1. Feelings.  I can’t stand feelings.  Fuck.  Them.  They led me to crying over M.  I ran my mascara and eye-liner for that douchero.  I have to say…that’s just not an attractive look for me.
  2. Guys like Fighter, and guys like dude with 8 kids.  I want to vomit every time I think about how I had to shell over money for 3 out of 4 dates.  Or how guys can just fail to mention they run a home straight out of a Brother’s Grimm fairy tale.  That shit is just not OK.
  3. Too much fucking energy.  I live life pretty unapologetically.  And I am realizing guys just don’t dig that.  I still didn’t apologize for anything, but I found myself pulling in the reins some.  And then I would get pissed off.  A dude should like me for me.  
  4. The uncertainty.  I’m never uncertain.  But damn if some of the behavior I witnessed had me second guessing myself.  Again, just not OK.
  5. Having to dumb myself down to talk on their level.  I say that, and I realize how it sounds.  I never acted stupid.  I didn’t start twirling my hair, popping my gum, or saying uummmm….like totally.  But I did find I had to use small words and talk like a kindergarten teacher when I explained the fundamentals of Relationship 101.  No, I’m not going to miss my kid’s soccer game to go watch you play golf.  No, I’m not going to let you do something sexually repulsive to me that I’m not comfortable with.  Yes, I am a big girl and can make my own decisions, like what I want to order for dinner.  No, I am not going to blow you in your car just because you bought me dinner.  Why yes, I am a very strong and opinionated woman, because I was taught to be vocal and say what I want.  (All you have to do is imagine me bracing my hands on my knees while I get on their level talking in a kindergarten teacher voice.  I really did this.)  Too much energy!!  Too much idiocy!!  Where do guys come from these days??
Now, let’s explore why I am going back to being my lovable Esme self:
  1. I can do what I want when I want with whom I want.  ‘Nuff said.
  2. I don’t have to apologize for anything.  Again, ’nuff said.
  3. I can call who I want, whenever I want.  And amazingly enough, the response is better when I am dating someone.  Example #1:  Hey boyfriend, you should come over.  Can’t babe, sorry, busy.  Example #2:  You.  Me.  Sex.  Now.  I will be right over.
  4. I’m a lot more satisfied.  And I’m not just talking sex, even though that’s the case as well.  I’m more satisfied because all I have to worry about is me, and my little family.  There is no one else to take into account.  I make a decision, and it doesn’t get questioned.  It doesn’t get argued.  It doesn’t get changed.  I wake up in the morning to the world I left the night before.  And I truly love that.
  5. I’m in control of my own destiny.  Kind of ties into #4.  I have no one to blame, but myself, as I made my own decisions.  Likewise, I can take full credit when things go well, because it was all me.  I am 100% in charge of my life, and I don’t have to run things by anyone.
  6. I am free to change my mind whenever I want, how often I want.  I never get bored.
  7. I just truly enjoy my life more when all I need to do is live for me.  What does that tell me?  That I have yet to find a great guy who is worthy of me.  It also tells me that I am probably not ready for a committed relationship.  I’m so glad I can be honest with myself about this.
I’ve spent the last two weeks trying to figure things out with Sunday.  Figure things out with M (No, we aren’t seeing each other…but had a few convos that messed me up some…done with all of that, too).  Figure out where I was going wrong.
It all came down to the fact that I started to forget who I was.
I realized that with M, I tried to be the person he wanted me to be.  He didn’t love me, he loved what he thought I could be.
I realized with Sunday, I bent over backwards because I was afraid of losing the relationship I thought we had.
I realized that I was sacrificing parts of me I love because I didn’t feel like having to explain myself or my actions.
And it won’t happen any more.
What snapped me out of it?  A long convo with Jake.  Oh…how I heart him.
It seems the fates agree with my decision to bring back my sassy self.  Guess who I heard from today?  Ambulance Guy.  Yes…Mr. AG himself.  We have been out of contact for a couple of months.  Not on purpose, but life just took over.  He texted me today, and asked how I was doing.  We had some superficial conversation, which is how I like it if I plan on having a sexual relationship with someone.  Then he got right to it.
AG: I want to see you.
E: Yeah.
AG: I could go for a drink and sex.
E: And I could go for your hands on my body, your mouth replacing them.
AG: Shit…
E: I want to be unable to walk.  I want to feel you for three days.
AG: Sunday?  Please say Sunday…
He better come over on Sunday.
Medic has also been texting me lately.  I really enjoy being with Medic.  It’s easy, there are no feelings involved (at least on my end), and it takes so little thought its almost embarrassing.  But I’m wondering if it has run it’s course.  The last two times we planned on getting together, one of us has backed out.  I can sit here, think about our time together, and I get hot and bothered.  Holy shit we have some great sex.  But when it comes time for him to come over, I’m just not feeling it.  I will give it a few days before I make a decision on it.  I have a few things on my plate, so it could be just stress.
So there you have it.  Enough with the mushy and sad posts.  Enough with the stupid L-Word.  Enough second guessing and worrying and wondering and crying and everything else.
I’m back.
My only worry is where to stay for Vixens in Vegas 2012.
Love, Esme


23 May
OK everyone…Let’s give a warm welcome to my girl Jadyn!
Hi all! This is Jadyn and as Esme alluded to I may pop in and write from time to time to make us bi-coastal. So I’ll just jump right into a story that I recently shared with her about a fantastic weekend trip to Vegas!

It was time to get away for some much needed R&R and where better to head out to then Vegas? A girlfriend and I who I go with every once in awhile decided it was a great way to spend Easter weekend, so we hopped in the car and drove to Vegas with nothing planned other than some gambling, bar hopping and laying out at the pool…

We got to Vegas immediately started drinking, grabbed some dinner and then I went to hit the tables. A few hours of gambling and flirting with all the guys at the table-some married, none of them my type. Finally, this guys walks up and takes the seat next to me. Man is he hot! Tall, shaved head… just the right amount of muscles… yummy. Well he sits down and his knee happens to rub up against mine so I leave mine right where it is 😉 We start talking and since we are both losing he suggests we go do something else… me! I’m like hell yeah! So I, of course, play it slow. Sure, I say.
We get up from the table and he says Do you have a room here? Yeah a suite (it’s how I roll…bitches…) He said Let’s go. I’m in! He’s said By the way I’m …. I didn’t quite hear his name. It was Kevin I think? It doesn’t really matter so Isaid I’m Jadyn and we head upstairs. We hold hands and make out in the elevator. We get to my room and start tearing each other’s clothes off… he stops for a second and says “I told you about my fee right?” I tell him HELL NO-get out (please…I’m too gorgeous to pay for sex!)… he says I’m kidding! So we keep getting naked.. man is he big… and have awesome sex for about an hour…
My friend calls just as we are finishing I tell her I ran up to the room for something, I’ll be right back down. Kevin-I-think and I got dressed and headed back downstairs. I didn’t see him again that trip… we’ll see if we run into each other again sometime.
Love, Jadyn

Yours Truly Is Back…

6 Feb

What’s up hookers??  How have all of you been?  I have missed you guys…reading your stories, sharing mine with you.  But I am fucking back.  And I have a picture to share with you:

Yep…that’s me.  Shooting an M4.  Be afraid…be very afraid…all of those douchebag dudes better take note!

I had the most AMAZING time at this 2-week course.  I met some great people, got a few leads on some jobs, and won a little money in the casino.  You can’t beat a working trip like that.  You just can’t.  I could talk for hours about this class…it was a tactical medic course designed mostly for the military.  I was so damn fortunate to wind up in it.  I have been asked to write an article for an EMS magazine detailing my experience as a civilian going through the course.  I think I just may…

I never did hear from Dude again, and I think that is better.  I don’t think I could be nice right now…what a fuck-stick.  I am all for booty calls, you all know this…but not when I have to be up in FOUR FUCKING HOURS.  Negative.

I have the opportunity to have a date this week.  I may do it for shits and grins…and a free drink.  Why the fuck not??

Guess who I heard from while I was in my class??  Mr. Hottie.  He was telling me how much he misses sex with me.  Awww…go fuck your fiancée.  But it does make me feel good to know he can’t quit me.  Hahaha!!!

One question for my loyal readers out there…Nice Guy had a date this weekend that just went horribly fucking bad. I asked him why he didn’t end it long before that.  He said women can do that, but men just can’t.  I disagree…is it wrong for a dude to say ‘Hey, I am not feeling this, so peace?’  I don’t think so.  Why waste everyone’s time?  And he spent a fucking fortune on this date.  Completely unneccessary.  Agree or disagree?  Discuss…

Much love, Esme




Vegas Solo?

20 Jan

Well, Nice Guy called today and said he can’t make it at all.  Not at fucking all, thanks to his DIPSHIT boss that I now hate…INTENSELY.

So now what?  Well, I am a girl who isn’t afraid of her moxie-ness, so I am going to pack up my bitch boots and some boob shirts and make the best of the situation.  I am, after all, in a class with 24 military men.  Someone is bound to peak my interest.  Not to mention the fact it is only my second time there…I am still a curious little kitten!

Any suggestions on what to do/where to go?  Pass it on, bitches…

Love, Esme


19 Jan

Nice Guy called me a few minutes ago…

N: Vegas is off, Esme.  My boss just told me I have to be at a meeting on Monday, and if I am not there I risk losing my job.

I am so upset over this!  I was oh so very much looking forward to seeing him on this trip.  I told him to fly out on Tuesday then, and he is going to look into it.  His boss is such a fuck-tard.  How can you do that to someone who already requested, and was granted, the time off?  FUCKING BULLSHIT.  We even had tickets already to a show on Sunday night.  I may actually cry…

1.  I am pissed off that he won’t be there.  Fuck his boss.

2.  I am pissed off I will be there ALONE.  Fuckity fuck FUCK!!!


And Ohmigod I Can’t Believe I Forgot…

11 Jan

I can’t believe I fucking forgot to tell you guys this!!  I am such a SKANK!  Listen up…

At the end of the month I am going to Las Vegas for a paramedic refresher class.  It is a once every two-year event.  I know, life is hard, right?  Vegas for a class?  Someone just fucking shoot me…my life is just fucking pitiful.  ANYWAYS.  I was talking to Nice Guy on the phone about a month ago, as we still talk a few times a week, and I was telling him I was going to Vegas for this class.

Really?  How long are you in class during the day?  Would you be willing to go out at night when you get done with class?  Do you want some company?

Abso-fucking-lutely!!  My class is only 6 hours a day.  I don’t start class until 1000 each morning.  I don’t go to bed until around 2am anyways.  And who wants to be in Vegas by themselves?  Hells to the muthafucken yeah.

I have no idea what he is going to do while I am in class.  I don’t really fucking care.  He knows he is on his own.  It’s Vegas, he will come up with something.  I have no idea what we are going to do in Vegas.  Last time we were together in Vegas it’s not like we had sex or anything.  Who doesn’t fuck in Vegas??  Oh yeah…HIM.  We didn’t have sex until I visited him in his home state a few months ago.  And-check this out-he admitted he actually felt a little guilty about it because we weren’t in a relationship.  He is just an honest-to-goodness Nice Guy. Would I sleep with him again?  Fuck yes I would.  But I am playing stupid on this one, I think.  I am not going to expect it.  I am not going to instigate it.  I am not even going to bring it up.  If he says anything, I will question him, make sure it is what he wants.  If he jumps me in the hotel room…well…then it is just GAME ON.  I am not going to turn someone down with a solid 9.5 rating 😉

Any advice from my ladies out there?

Love, Esme

My Apologies!

30 Aug

Dear Readers,

I am so sorry I haven’t been better about posting lately, and if my last letter was of the rambling sort.  A couple of days after I returned from Las Vegas, I wound up in the hospital.  What started out as a debilitating headache became a case of viral meningitis.  I was sent home yesterday, but I still feel like crap.  If what the doctor said is true, I am going to continue to feel like crap for the next two weeks.

A friend of mine, upon hearing I was sick, called and asked me if Vegas was worth the illness (a consensus among everyone is I caught it at the viral/bacterial cesspool of the world).  My response?

Hell yeah it was worth it.

Love, Esme