Archive | July, 2011

Guess What I learned About Myself?

23 Jul

I have learned that the thought of having to say ‘I L-WORD you’ to someone makes me ralph.  No shit.  I can’t do it, so I don’t.  For example, you ask?  Here are some past exchanges that have taken place (these are not all the same person).

#1: Esme, I love you.
E: Awww…thank you!

#2: I love you.
E: Aaannnnnndddd…I like you.

#3: I love you, Esme.
E: I have to go now.

#4: I love you.
E: BBB-AAAAAA-RRRRRRR-FFFFFFF

The above is a very accurate representation of that happens when someone tells me they L-WORD me.  In a couple of instances I actually had very strong feelings for the guy back.  But I can’t admit it.  I have several theories, but the one that is first and foremost in my brain is this one-the last time I admitted I loved someone I wound up in an abusive marriage.  Once bitten, twice shy at it’s best.  Thanks Great White!!

I can’t even watch totally lovey-dovey movies.  For example…The Notebook.  My girl Sunday mentioned renting it today.  My stomach heaved, my mouth watered.  I repeatedly swallowed, trying to keep the bile down.  I rolled down the car window to get some wind on my face.  When the six moments passed, I turned to her and said ‘NO’.

S: What’s wrong with The Notebook?!?
E: It’s a love story!
S: SO?!?!
E: It’s unrealistic.  No one waits all those years for someone they love.  It just doesn’t happen.
S: M has been waiting for you for over two years.  Seems to me it does happen.
E: Oooohhhhh…the world is spinning…dizzy…funny taste…PULL OVER!!

Sunday didn’t pull over because she was laughing too hard.  If her face wasn’t fading in and out I would have punched it.  I stuck my head out of the window and took in big gulps of air.  When my blood pressure returned to normal, I settled back into my seat.

S: How the hell do you react when M tells you he loves you??
E: He has only said it once.
S: That surprises me.  Why?
E: (muttering) Because I almost passed out.
S: ESME!!
E: What do you want me to do??  I can’t help it!!
S: I feel so bad for this guy.  Get some help.  I hope he knows how fucked up you are.
E: Yeah, well, it’s just a fucked up situation.  So he really shouldn’t be surprised.
S: Do you love him?
E: There is no need to go there, Sunday.  You know I can’t talk about this.
S: I know you love him.  I can see you light up when you talk about him.  When he texts or when he calls.  Your voice changes and your expression gets softer.
E: Ahh fuck.

So here is what I discovered today.  The thought of the L-WORD freaks me the FUCK out.  I can’t hear it, I can’t say it, and I can’t watch it.  And if it gets pointed out to me, my reaction is even worse.

I just may L-WORD M.  But I am sure it will be a long time before I can truly admit it to myself.  And it will be longer until I can admit it to him.  BUT…I am sure M already knows.  I am the only one that is in denial.

Love, Esme

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Bachelorette Party!

22 Jul

Hi all its Jadyn again 🙂

So I was talking to Esme about an amazing night with the girls over the weekend and she thought I should share it with all of you!

A friend of mine is getting married in a few weeks so we headed downtown to wreck it!  We started out hanging out in the hotel room and watching the bride open her slightly wicked presents (they totally could have been dirtier) all the while the drinking had begun.  We hit the vodka hard and got ready to head out the door!  Being in great spirits and extremely loud we strutted thru the lobby in our little black dresses while we caught the eye of just about everyone we passed.  We hopped in the town cars since that is how we roll and showed up at the awesome ’20s themed bar where immediately I had my first bar stalker… a bouncer who showed up every few minutes to say hi or whatever.  We hit the bar grabbed some Absinthe (yummy!) and passed out the bar bingo cards.  These were kinda awesome but more of a what do you see kinda deal…  needed way more action for a bachelorette party but you make do with what you have!  We hit the dance floor all the while punching out our bingo cards. 

Visable thong…. check.  A toast….. check.  A bartender… check.  A public make out… nope hadn’t seen one yet.  So we walked back into the bar area and there is this threesome all holding hand but you could tell the 2 guys were an item and the girl was just there so what do I do in all my boldness?  I walk up to the guy closest to me… show him my bingo card and say I need a public make out.  This is where it gets awesome!  The other guy jumps out of his seat grabs me says I’m the guy and proceeds to make out with me…  its awful one of the worst kissers ever!  I’m sitting there trying to figure out how to end it and he keeps on going… and going… and going… and when he finally pulls away all I can say is thank you.  My friends all got pictures none of us expected it to go that way but that’s how I roll 🙂  Picking up gay guys and making out with them in front of their boyfriends!

My bar stalker showed back up shortly after that and of course said he could have done it for me instead… yeah not so much!  We found a cool group of people to hang with for a while and after a night well spent headed back to the hotel. 

We get back get out of the cars and there is this hot guy who we somehow ended up taking pictures with he even put on the bride’s tiara for a few of them.  We then hit the after party in the hotel lobby (there was a club in the hotel) where we danced with the hot guy for about a second and then headed up to our rooms.  It was an awesome night not quite on a hangover level but there are some pictures that got deleted!

Love, Jadyn

A Complete Surprise

21 Jul

Mr. Hottie and I were texting/talking some last night, and well into the morning hours.  It’s truly the only time we both have a few spare minutes and can just unwind, be honest, and not speak in ‘code’.  We talked about our maybe situation.  About my kids.  About his job.  About sex.  About a little bit of everything.  He told me he wanted to come see me tomorrow night.  To talk, to listen, to sit and just be with me.  I said OK, and a date was made.

The next morning my boys and I were snuggled in bed, watching Spongebob Squarepants.  Sidenote: I love those kind of mornings!  Back to the story.  Around 9, I received a text message from Mr. Hottie.

M: Hey babe.  Sleep well?
E: No, I don’t sleep.  Kids and I are snuggling in bed watching TV
M: I want to lay in bed with you.  Can I come visit?
E: So come over.  I was just going to get up and shower anyways.
M: No, please don’t.  Just stay relaxed and dressed the way you are.
E: OK…going to go feed the boys.  See you whenever.

We got up, did our morning chores, and headed downstairs for waffles and cereal.  While we were eating I told them that Mr. Hottie was coming over to visit (they have met him before in passing…never sat and had a conversation).  I told them some stories about him that they would enjoy, like when a deer committed suicide by running headlong into his car.  Do I know how to talk to 8 and 10-year-old boys or WHAT? 😉

I had a lot of thoughts running through my head while I sat and waited.

  • My kids have met a lot of my male friends.  But every single one of them were just friends.  This feels different.
  • Mr. Hottie is not what you consider a ‘kid person’.  I know I have given you all a couple of reasons why we stopped ‘exclusive’ dating all that time ago, but another one was my kids.  The thought of meeting my boys sent him into a dizzying panic complete with cold sweats and a swelling tongue.  It also bothered him that I had kids with someone else.  I know he told me it didn’t bother him anymore, but I was skeptical.
  • I wondered how my kids would react.  They tell me all of the time that I need to date (If they only knew!), that I should get a boyfriend, that I should go out and have fun (apparently they are pretty smart for their age!)  But how would they actually feel once they met someone?  Would their thoughts change?
  • What was I doing allowing this?  Was this the start of a commitment?

I was so lost in thought that when my phone chirped with his message saying he had arrived, I jumped.  I went to the door and he was leaning against the post outside…he is so damn sexy when he does that.  He was dressed to lounge in sweats and a t-shirt that skimmed his muscles.  I was wearing yoga pants and a tank top and I had yet to brush the mess of curls on my head.  He definitely looked way sexier than me.  Sigh.

He followed me into the living room.  I directed him to a chair, and went back to cleaning up after breakfast.  My oldest walked right over to him, introduced himself, and plopped down next to him with his new Star Wars Lego book that has become his bible.

M!  Look at my new book!  Do you like Star Wars?  I asked for this from my mom for my birthday.  I could build it.  I may have to look at the directions, but I could do it.  Do you want to look at it with me?  I like this one, too.  Do you like Legos?  All boys like Legos.  I like them a lot.  I’m really good at building!

During this tirade, Mr. Hottie was smiling at my oldest and answering his questions when he could get a word in edgewise.  I was too stunned to speak, or intervene.  My youngest wandered over, wanting in on the action.  He finally got to ask the one question that had been on his 8-year-old brain.

Is it true that a deer committed suicide by running into your car?

I snorted, trying unsuccessfully to hide my laughter.  Mr. Hottie theatrically told the whole sordid story, and my boys held on to every word.  Later that day they had an absolute blast recreating that story.

Once story time was over, we headed upstairs to watch TV.  Mr. Hottie (I gotta start calling him something else…henceforth known as M) and I lounged on the bed, and the boys ran back and forth between their room and mine.  They didn’t care, or seem to notice, that his head was resting on my lap.  Eventually they stayed in their room, and our talk turned a little more serious.

E: You know M…you really threw me for a major loop when you admitted your feelings for me.
M: I’m sure I did.
E: Was it bullshit?
M: What? No.  I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it.
E: Is this something you actually want to do?  Are we actually considering it?
M: Yes.  And yes
E: Honestly, it isn’t anything different then what we are doing now.  I never could stay away from you.  Guess there are feelings for you somewhere in there.

M leaned over and gave me a kiss on the forehead.  And that simple act spoke absolute volumes to me.

I think I am really considering giving this a whirl…

Love, Esme

I’m A Bad Girl. Bitches.

21 Jul

That’s right.  I’m a featured Bad Girl.  Click the pic above to head on over and read all about me.  Show the love.

Love, Esme

Friday Follow For My Bad Girls

15 Jul

 

Head on over to Bad Girl Bloggers to sign up, read some great blogs, show some love, gain some followers.  Who doesn’t like feeling loved??  Naked is even better when it comes to the ‘luv biz’.  Go enjoy!!

Love, Esme

Medic Take Two

14 Jul

Following Medic and mine’s night of awesomeness, we didn’t talk to much.  I am sure I boggled his mind being the coolest chick ever.  Not only that, but I got injured at work, my mind has been pre-occupied with other men, he has been going through more training, etc.  Just a bad couple of weeks time wise for the both of us.

The last couple of nights I would get texts from him.  Hey Esme, what are you up to?  We would chat for a little bit, I would invite him over, and he would ultimately say no.  So whatevs.  His loss, and I really wasn’t that wrapped up in it.

Last night started out the same way.  Only I didn’t invite him over.  He mentioned it, then retracted.  (I think I actually scare him, which cracks me up.  I may be too much woman for him…)

I responded with: Listen Medic.  You are more than welcome to come over here.  I have been pretty bored, I could use the company and the companionship.  I promise I won’t jump you if that is what you are looking for.
Medic: I will come over.  And don’t make promises neither of us can keep.
Esme: Shit, I can keep my promises.  If you can’t, that’s not my problem.

He showed up about 40 minutes later, which allowed me enough time to shower.  I smelled like bug spray and it was making me nauseated.  And…I thought I’d be prepared.  Just in case.  I’m like a fucking boy (girl) scout.

Medic arrived in gym shorts and a t-shirt…looking damn sexy.  I am in my recent uniform of yoga pants and a tank top.  I have since figured out how to put my hair up without crying, so I at least looked put together.  He gave me a lazy smile as his eyes roamed my body.  I gave a lazy smile back and started walking upstairs.  I swayed my hips a little more than necessary, letting him appreciate what I have to offer.  As I turned the corner into my room, I made sure my girls looked good.  I may have promised to not jump him, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t make him want to jump me…

We watched a few episodes of South Park, and caught each other up on our lives.  We laughed at some of the ridiculousness in my life, and I praised him for the recent accomplishments in his.  He finally stood up, pulled the covers back on my bed, and said he wanted to get comfortable.  I climbed into bed next to him, and snuggled into his side.

Esme: I’m glad you are here, Medic.  I missed talking to you the last couple of weeks.
Medic: I missed you too, Esme.  But I’m here now.

I lifted my head and smiled at him.  He leaned in and kissed me.  Oh my god it was heaven.  Especially after kissing Fighter.  Medic had soft lips and a delicious taste.  He kissed slow, licking my lips, kissing my collarbone.  He explored my body with his hands, and told me how much he enjoyed it.  He let me lay back and just enjoy the sensations.  I wasn’t even undressed yet and I was a puddle on my mattress.

I have always said that prefer to NOT have one-night stands.  While I think they definitely serve their purpose, I don’t feel you get the best performance from your partner on night one.  And I was proven completely 100% right last night.

Medic ran the gamut during our one-and-a-half hour sexfest.  Slow and passionate to rough and dirty.  And I welcomed each and every change.  I am a big fan of sweaty animalistic sex, and he did not disappoint.  Just thinking about it is turning me into a puddle all over again-God he was great at talking dirty.  (I love it when a man isn’t afraid to take control in the bedroom, without crossing my line to degrading.)  Medic’s number one concern was my pleasure.  First and foremost. I did not expect that from someone so young, and it was absolutely phenomenal.

By the time it was over I was a sweaty, tired, happy mess.  He gathered me in his arms and asked me if I enjoyed myself.  What, like he couldn’t tell??

Esme: Aww…Medic!  Do you need confirmation that you were wonderful?  Feel the sheets…they have to be washed.  And I have never been happier about having to do laundry.
Medic: *chuckling* It did seem that you had about 100 orgasms.  And THAT is what is wonderful.

He gave me a few more kisses.  I pulled back just a little and whispered upon his lips: For the record, you jumped me.  I kept my promise.

He laughed, pulled me in tighter, and that is how we fell asleep.

Much love,
Esme

Something To Think About

13 Jul

I saw this picture, I don’t remember where, and it really resonated with me.  Kudos to this woman for spreading, as I see it, the truth.  I hope that this invites discussion.

The truth as I see it

 

Love, Esme