Tag Archives: funny

Most Embarrassing Sex Moment

14 Jan

At the end of Simmarah’s post at the end of our project, she wrote about her top 5 awkward moments.  As I was writing my list, I really sat and tried to think of awkward moments.  I would have made it way more interesting, right??  Not like this bitch needs help being more interesting, but come on…we all like reading of other people’s misfortunes!

So I was driving in my car yesterday when it hit me…oh my god I know what my most embarrassing/awkward moment was!!  How could I fucking forget?!? I didn’t tell ANYONE this story for so long.  Once I came to terms with the fact it truly is a hilarious story, I started telling.  Now, it has made the rounds many times.  And I often have to re-tell this shit at parties.  It’s a good thing I can laugh at myself…

I hope I can write it justice…let’s see…

I am not telling the name of the person it happened with.  We will call him Mark…as in Wahlberg…a girl can fucking dream…

Mark and I had only been dating a short time.  Like a couple of weeks short time.  We had yet to sleep together, although I had spent the night at his place a number of times (I prefer this to someone sleeping at my place…my place is my sanctuary).  We had ordered pizza in, and had each had a few drinks.  Not too many, but enough to lower our inhibitions.  And when inhibitions are lowered, and you are sexually attracted to the person you are sitting/laying next to, you are drawn to each other like magnets.  It’s just the law of the universe.

We literally made out for three hours…yes, three. How do I know three?  Read on hookers, read on.

So we made out like teenagers for three hours.  It was SO MUCH FUN exploring each others bodies, learning where to touch to make their heart beat faster, etc, that we just didn’t stop.  But finally, it was time to get down to business.  I was tied up in knots, he was looking for the end result.  It was just time. I get up, dig through my purse, and just freeze.

M: What’s wrong?

E: I don’t have the condoms.  I FORGOT THE FUCKING CONDOMS!!!

M: (laughing) That’s OK Esme, I have some.

E: No, you don’t understand!  I have a latex allergy.  A bad one.  Severe.  And I have polyurethane condoms, and I forgot them at home!  (At this point I was almost in tears, cursing all the fates)

M: Well get dressed, we are going to the store.  We are finishing this shit.

E: What?  No, Mark.  Let’s just get some sleep.

But we got up and got dressed.  We literally looked liked we were in the middle of fooling around, and had to run out for condoms.  I REFUSED to go into the store.  Absolutely fucking refused.  I told him what he needed to get.  Polyurethane.  Not lambskin.  Got it?

Mark came out of store one, no luck.  We went to store two…no luck.  Store three…he had a bag in his hand.  SUCCESS!  Mark gets back into his truck and said: None of the kind you need, so I bought the lambskin.  How bad can they be?  (How bad indeed?  It has been since college, maybe they are better now?)

We get back to his house, clothes come off once more, and we are back into our state of let’s fucking DO THIS! He unwraps the lambskin condom, and the real fun begins.

M: OH MY GOD!  This shit fucking smells!  Oh man, oh man…and it feels really slimy!  And it looks like a lima bean!!  What the fuck is this thing, Esme?!?!  Is this a joke?  It’s a joke, right?  Are these for fucking real??? Am I being Punked? Where the fuck is Ashton?

E: Ok, Mark, let’s just forget it.  (I was kind of embarrassed at this point.  I know they suck, I should have tapped out prior to this moment.)

M: Holy shit it gets fucking better!!!  There is a goddamned DRAWSTRING!  It is at the top of the condom!  Am I really supposed to put this thing on my dick and pull the fucking drawstring??  Do I tie it off?  Tie a bow?  Wrap it around my balls?  Esme!!  Fucking look at this shit!!  Ah-hahahaha!!  It looks like skin of a fucking sausage! That’s what it is!!  A sausage skin!  Get it?  Oh my god this is the best thing EVER!!

By this point, I had already rolled over and faced away from him.  I was absolutely mortified.  I couldn’t believe my allergy, which I can’t fucking control, is causing all of this.  I kept telling him to please stop, to please just let it go and go to sleep.  I understood the reason why he was carrying on was because of nervous energy, but I was just…mortified.  It is the only was to describe it.  MOR-TI-FI-CATION.  If someone can actually die of embarrassment, I would have then and there.

I stayed quiet after that.  Mark went to the bathroom, and when he laid back down he wrapped me up in his arms.  I continued to stay quiet.  I had no desire to talk about what just happened.  After we both were quiet for quite some time, Mark finally spoke up.  I still said nothing.  I just wanted to erase it from memory.

Mark and I are still friends, even though we no longer date.  For the longest time, he took great pride in bringing that night up and watching me die of embarrassment.  He thinks it’s the funniest shit EVER.

It wasn’t until a few months ago, when I was telling Jadyn this, that I realized its a veritable gold mine of story telling.  She had tears rolling down her cheeks, and she couldn’t stop laughing.  I couldn’t even get through the story without laughing!  Apparently the story has made the rounds, because when I go out with Jadyn and someone I haven’t seen in a while, or haven’t met, she requests it.  And I tell it again, in all it’s glory.  And every time I tell it, I laugh harder.  And so does she.  Even my mom has heard this story…and thinks it is fucking hilarious.

The one question I always get asked…Did you and Mark ever sleep together?  No, no we did not.  We didn’t even date for much longer.  That night cast a pall over our relationship…set the tone, so to speak!  So there was no fucking.  I’m not even sure we could have, even with the right condoms…

Much love, Esme

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Stolen From CB…

10 Jan

So I am a stealing bitch…but at least I am way classy enough to admit it!  Great questions from Her Majesty over at Cigarettes and Stilettos (GO READ IT).  And I have decided to also answer.  For the hell of it.  Why the fuck not…

1 – How old do you act?
For the most part?  Like a sexually-liberated woman in her early thirties who doesn’t take shit from anyone.

2 – Why is the sky blue?
Reflection of the suns rays off of dust in the atmosphere.  Or because it is better than orange.

3 – Do you burp, fart, or both in front of others?
Only at the firehouse.  They don’t count as ‘people’.

4 – Someone’s writing a book based on your life.  What would the title be?
Getting Your Moxie Back

5 – How many days in a row can you go without taking a dump?
Eeewwww…people actually talk about this shit before the age of 90??

6 – Favorite childhood cartoon?
Rainbow Brite. Is there any other? (Totally agree with CB on this one…I was even Rainbow Brite for Halloween!)

7 – Have you ever caught someone in the act of masturbating?
I have…I have the greatest knack of being in the wrong place at the wrong time!

8 – Favorite food to make/bake/cook/etc?
I LOVE to bake.  During the holidays I am in top form.

9 – What’s one redeeming quality about mushrooms?
Some have psychedelic properties.

10 – What’s wrong with Richard Simmons?
NO ONE is that happy all of the time.  Acid?  Crack??

11 – Name one celebrity who needs to come out of the closet.
Anyone on Jersey Shore.

12 – Name one redeeming quality about asparagus.
They would be better if they had psychedelic properties.

13 – If “We Are the Champions”, what are you?
I am Esme…Nuff said.

14 – What’s something they taught you in school that should never be taught to anyone?
Hmmm…so many to choose from…theater appreciation?  Music appreciation?  Any liberal arts class I had to take in college?  Take your fucking pick.

15 – What’s the deal with Steven Segal anyways?
Fucked up from all the ‘roids.  Happens.  Now has to make up for the little dick he probably has.

16 – Name two movies that should have never been made.
How about ONE?  Showgirls.  2 hours of my fucking life I can’t get back.  I watched the whole damn thing because it HAD to get better.  NEGATIVE.

17 – Do you enjoy to point, stare, and laugh at others?
Especially if it is OH SO deserved!

18 – Name one or more words that every time you hear them, make you cringe.
The N-word.  It just does.

19 – Have you ever put anything up your ass?
Exit only.

20 – What can you do better than most?
Just about everything.  It’s just no contest.

21 – Have you smoked pot?
Once.  I fucking hated it.


22 – Would you wrestle a member of the same sex, nude, in pudding for 10 minutes for one million dollars?
Multiple times!


23 – Happiest moment of your life?
The day my divorce papers were signed.

24 – Name in order, the body parts of the opposite sex you notice first.
1. Height

2. Chest

 

3. Arms

4. Tattoos

25 – What or where’s the furthest you’ve been away from home?
Germany.  Maybe Poland.  I don’t fucking know.  Depends where home is.

26 – Have you ever been to Africa?
No, but I want to!

27 – Can you currently do a split?
Ahahahahahahahaha!!!  No.

28 – What’s better – a knee-jerk reaction or a polish knee slap?
Dude.

29 – Ever given anyone a dutch oven?
Christ, NO!

30 – What’s your favorite kind of apple?
Cut up and baked into Apple Crisp, thanks very much. (Another awesome answer)

31 – Favorite Muppet?
Uuuuh, Ms. Piggy!!! She’s fucking fabulous!  (Again, keeping this.  She mastered the sultry look!)

32 – Squash just doesn’t sound very tasty.  What say you?
Isn’t that a semi-sport?

33 – How many sexual partners have you had?
See last post…

34 – Favorite number?
54.  Brian Urlacher.  Oooh the shit I would do to that man…

35 – Favorite type of pet?
Pet?  Dogs.  Animal?  Partial to giraffes.

36 – Favorite sexual position?
Only the lucky 10 know.

37 – Least favorite sexual position?
There is just no such thing.  Is that even a phrase?  I just don’t…nope.  Not understanding the question.

38 – Is it better to give or receive?
Receive receive receive!!!!

39 – When’s the last time you vomited?
I HATE RALPHING.  I will do whatever it takes not to.  I have an endless supply of zofran.  No shit.  But Nice Guy recently admitted I ralphed the first time I met him, when he visited me in the hospital when I fell down the stairs.  He held my hair for me.  He didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to embarrass me.  Awww….

40 – Name one product you use that everyone ought to use.
deodorant.  No shit.  Wikipedia it if you have no idea what it is.

41 – What’s worse – having your period or spraining your ankle?
Little known fact of Esme…I don’t have periods (WHAT??)  Nope.  I am every mans wet-fucking-dream.  I am my own wet dream.  So I chose spraining my ankle.

42 – What sport can you play well?
Used to be soccer.  Then in college I started playing softball.  Now I run.  Sooo…I probably rock at it all.  Guys dig athletic girls (so I have been told…at least until you beat them…then not so much)

43 – What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard/seen/done in the past week?
Hmmm, the Mini Badass called the cat a dumb fucking bitch the other day.  (SHUT UP CB!!  Are you fucking serious???  I totally want to meet your daughter!!)

As for me, I always do something stupid/funny.  It is just what I do.  I was at a party the other night, and someone threw what we thought was an empty beer can at Jadyn and I.  She picked it up and threw it back, and it sprayed him ALL OVER.  It was fucking hilarious.  But it was one of those things that you had to see.  And we were wasted, so it was even funnier.  In hindsight, probably not funny at all…but it was at the time.  All I take from that night-I won at beer pong and I haven’t played in ten years.  Once again…I rock.

44 – Are you interested in being friends with someone on death row?
So I can be one of the stupid snatches that ends up marrying someone like Ted Bundy?  PASS.

45 – What’s 4+3*800/3?
If I flash a boob, will it matter?

46 – Who would make a better President – Sarah Palin or Cookie Monster?
I would actually be interested in seeing what Sarah Palin would do-and no I am not interested in arguing this point.  HOWEVER-I bet racism would be a moot point if a blue monster were in office…so he wins.

47 – Have you ever done a snow angel in the nude?
Umm…no.  For money, maybe.  But would not for shits and grins.

48 – Who’s your favorite Golden Girl?
Rose!  I love her!  She just lived in her little idyllic world, and every once in a while you would see her skank side come out…especially when she started dating Miles!

49 – Have you ever taken a dump out a window?
I’ve been DUMPED out of a window, but have never taken a dump out of a window.  Who came up with these?

50 – Favorite kind of ice cream?

Peanut Butter and Chocolate, but ONLY from Baskin Robbins.  I am salivating right now…

 

That was fun!  Apparently there may be more, if so I will do it!  If you decide to answer, link back so I can read your answers, too…I like learning new things about people!

Love much, Esme

 

 

Today’s Funny

14 Dec

“Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just a retard in tin foil”-unknown

Hmmm…something to ponder…

Much love, Esme