Tag Archives: Jake

Happy New Year!

1 Jan

I know I haven’t posted lately…I assure you all is well on the Loverboy front…I even had my first New Years kiss…sad since I’m in my thirties…and was married…but I digress…

I’m typing this on my phone since my laptop is on the fritz, so bear with me as long as you can. Fo realz. Yo. It’s hella good. (My auto correct is totally flipping its shit right now, and it’s making me laugh).

Loverboy and I are AWESOME. I have no complaints whatsoever. I went to his family Christmas with him, and it went well…despite his drunk mother. But I did talk to her before she was drunk, so I have a good idea that she is basically normal. But drunk she told Loverboy he needs to date someone with girls, because she wants granddaughters. She then asked me if I would be willing to have another kid. When I informed her there were no more babies coming out of this va-jay-jay, she rolled her eyes and said ‘Ugh, more boys’. She then took my hand and said, verbatim:

You know, Esme, you were prayed for.

Excuse me?

Apparently Loverboy’s mom has been waiting for him to date for so long, she began to pray. Guess she forgot to specify granddaughters…

As mom of the year was leaving, she hugged me and said that she so hopes, very much, that she sees me again. Loverboy heard this comment, and told his mom to stop making him sound desperate. I, for one of the few times in my life, was speechless.

Loverboy’s sis-in-law later told me that once she heard the pray comment, she ran downstairs where Loverboy and his bros were, yelling ‘Code Red! Code Red! Esme’s in trouble!’ That would be the moment family surrounded me en masse and deflected any more questions and/or comments from Drunky McDrunkerson. And it was very much appreciated!

New Years Eve came, and we decided it was time for the kids to meet. Yes, ladies, we took the biggest step I can think of at this point in time. KIDS! AAAHHHHHHH!!!!
I stressed about it all day, and there was no need to. Our kids got along famously. In fact, mine keep asking to see his again. At the strike of midnight, Loverboy let the kids throw confetti, in his house, which gave the perfect opportunity for him to kiss me. I can’t think of a more perfect way to celebrate ūüôā

With ups come downs, and this time it is in the form of Sunday. Its not even worth hashing out, but it is very pathetic that she is still talking shit about me after six months. Get a fucking life. I found out that she is testifying against me at my custody hearing…despite her divorce lawyers advising against it. When she confronted me about it, I informed her that it would be in her best interest to back down, as I will annihilate her. She said ‘whatever’. I smiled, and I am truly looking forward to fucking her shit up. On record. Which can affect her custody battle. BRING IT BITCH.

One down, a million goods. I truly ended 2011 on such an incredible high. Loverboy. Protection from the ex. My children by my side. I made fabulous friends…Jake, Seal. So many others. I learned a lot about myself in the process. I learned to let go of toxic relationships. I learned to say no. I learned that I’m a pretty fucking awesome chick, and Loverboy is damn lucky to have me.

To quote Barney Stinson:


I rock.

Love, Esme


Esme is back.

14 Oct

Do you ever just get so overwhelmed you shut down? ¬†Because I do. ¬†I am there with so many things. ¬†Not with the custody battle (that shit is ON). ¬†Not with the shoulder (because that will work itself out. ¬†I’m not even worried about it). ¬†But with some friends. ¬†And definitely with guys. ¬†Let me explain.

I have really struggled with the whole Sunday debacle. ¬†And I am mad at myself for struggling. ¬†It’s hard for me to throw away an 8 year friendship. ¬†On one side, friendships do take work. ¬†But on the other, and much stronger, side? ¬†She NEVER should have done what she did. ¬†Never should have involved friends. ¬†Never should have stolen my meds. ¬†Never should have involved my roommate. ¬†Never should have done so many other things I never wrote about. ¬†That friendship took so much of my energy, and time, that I didn’t realize how drained I was until I didn’t have to do it anymore. ¬†I’m not going back there…I refuse…but I’m finding it kind of hard to let go fully. ¬†All in time.

Men. ¬†Men are starting to frustrate the crap out of me. ¬†No, I take that back. ¬†They have always frustrated the crap out of me. ¬†However I am at the point where I just want to take a break. ¬†Not a break from sex…pssssshhhhhh…I don’t break from sex. ¬†But I’m done trying to date. ¬†I had WAY MORE FUN when I was out for my own pleasure. ¬†Let’s just recap for a second, shall we?

Why I hate trying to date:

  1. Feelings. ¬†I can’t stand feelings. ¬†Fuck. ¬†Them. ¬†They led me to crying over M. ¬†I ran my mascara¬†and eye-liner for that douchero. ¬†I have to say…that’s just not an attractive look for me.
  2. Guys like Fighter, and guys like dude with 8 kids. ¬†I want to vomit every time I think about how I had to shell over money for 3 out of 4 dates. ¬†Or how guys can just fail to mention they run a home straight out of a Brother’s Grimm fairy tale. ¬†That shit is just not OK.
  3. Too much fucking energy. ¬†I live life pretty unapologetically. ¬†And I am realizing guys just don’t dig that. ¬†I still didn’t apologize for anything, but I found myself pulling in the reins some. ¬†And then I would get pissed off. ¬†A dude should like me for me. ¬†
  4. The uncertainty. ¬†I’m never uncertain. ¬†But damn if some of the behavior I witnessed had me second guessing myself. ¬†Again, just not OK.
  5. Having to dumb myself down to talk on their level. ¬†I say that, and I realize how it sounds. ¬†I never acted stupid. ¬†I didn’t start twirling my hair, popping my gum, or saying uummmm….like totally. ¬†But I did find I had to use small words and talk like a kindergarten teacher when I explained the fundamentals of Relationship 101. ¬†No, I’m not going to miss my kid’s soccer game to go watch you play golf. ¬†No, I’m not going to let you do something sexually repulsive to me that I’m not comfortable with. ¬†Yes, I am a big girl and can make my own decisions, like what I want to order for dinner. ¬†No, I am not going to blow you in your car just because you bought me dinner. ¬†Why yes, I am a very strong and opinionated woman, because I was taught to be vocal and say what I want. ¬†(All you have to do is imagine me bracing my hands on my knees while I get on their level talking in a kindergarten teacher voice. ¬†I really did this.) ¬†Too much energy!! ¬†Too much idiocy!! ¬†Where do guys come from these days??
Now, let’s explore why I am going back to being my lovable Esme self:
  1. I can do what I want when I want with whom I want. ¬†‘Nuff said.
  2. I don’t have to apologize for anything. ¬†Again, ’nuff said.
  3. I can call who I want, whenever I want. ¬†And amazingly enough, the response is better when I am dating someone. ¬†Example #1: ¬†Hey boyfriend, you should come over. ¬†Can’t babe, sorry, busy. ¬†Example #2: ¬†You. ¬†Me. ¬†Sex. ¬†Now. ¬†I will be right over.
  4. I’m a lot more satisfied. ¬†And I’m not just talking sex, even though that’s the case as well. ¬†I’m more satisfied because all I have to worry about is me, and my little family. ¬†There is no one else to take into account. ¬†I make a decision, and it doesn’t get questioned. ¬†It doesn’t get argued. ¬†It doesn’t get changed. ¬†I wake up in the morning to the world I left the night before. ¬†And I truly love that.
  5. I’m in control of my own destiny. ¬†Kind of ties into #4. ¬†I have no one to blame, but myself, as I made my own decisions. ¬†Likewise, I can take full credit when things go well, because it was all me. ¬†I am 100% in charge of my life, and I don’t have to run things by anyone.
  6. I am free to change my mind whenever I want, how often I want.  I never get bored.
  7. I just truly enjoy my life more when all I need to do is live for me. ¬†What does that tell me? ¬†That I have yet to find a great guy who is worthy of me. ¬†It also tells me that I am probably not ready for a committed relationship. ¬†I’m so glad I can be honest with myself about this.
I’ve spent the last two weeks trying to figure things out with Sunday. ¬†Figure things out with M (No, we aren’t seeing each other…but had a few convos that messed me up some…done with all of that, too). ¬†Figure out where I was going wrong.
It all came down to the fact that I started to forget who I was.
I realized that with M, I tried to be the person he wanted me to be. ¬†He didn’t love me, he loved what he thought I could be.
I realized with Sunday, I bent over backwards because I was afraid of losing the relationship I thought we had.
I realized that I was sacrificing parts of me I love because I didn’t feel like having to explain myself or my actions.
And it won’t happen any more.
What snapped me out of it? ¬†A long convo with Jake. ¬†Oh…how I heart him.
It seems the fates agree with my decision to bring back my sassy self. ¬†Guess who I heard from today? ¬†Ambulance Guy. ¬†Yes…Mr. AG himself. ¬†We have been out of contact for a couple of months. ¬†Not on purpose, but life just took over. ¬†He texted me today, and asked how I was doing. ¬†We had some superficial conversation, which is how I like it if I plan on having a sexual relationship with someone. ¬†Then he got right to it.
AG: I want to see you.
E: Yeah.
AG: I could go for a drink and sex.
E: And I could go for your hands on my body, your mouth replacing them.
AG: Shit…
E: I want to be unable to walk.  I want to feel you for three days.
AG: Sunday? ¬†Please say Sunday…
He better come over on Sunday.
Medic has also been texting me lately. ¬†I really enjoy being with Medic. ¬†It’s easy, there are no feelings involved (at least on my end), and it takes so little thought its almost embarrassing. ¬†But I’m wondering if it has run it’s course. ¬†The last two times we planned on getting together, one of us has backed out. ¬†I can sit here, think about our time together, and I get hot and bothered. ¬†Holy shit we have some great sex. ¬†But when it comes time for him to come over, I’m just not feeling it. ¬†I will give it a few days before I make a decision on it. ¬†I have a few things on my plate, so it could be just stress.
So there you have it.  Enough with the mushy and sad posts.  Enough with the stupid L-Word.  Enough second guessing and worrying and wondering and crying and everything else.
I’m back.
My only worry is where to stay for Vixens in Vegas 2012.
Love, Esme

The Benefit Of Younger Men

15 Jun

I have spent a lot of my brain power thinking about this. ¬†Why? ¬†I have no fucking clue. ¬†I truly don’t. ¬†And it all started pretty innocently.

My gal Sunday pointed out to me a recently that I really seem to be attracted to younger men.  I told her that was erroneous (great movie) and asked her to point out the proof.

Sunday: ¬†Really? ¬†I really have to freaking do this? ¬†Oh-kay…AG, 24-year old Firefighter, EX-BF, 29 year-old Firefighter, Mr. Hottie, Fighter, Jake, New Guy, Perfect, the last one-night stand you had. ¬†Almost every guy you flirt with. ¬†Need I say more? ¬†Heeeeellllllllloooooooo…Medic??

Shit. ¬†She was right. ¬†I do have a thing for younger guys. ¬†The few I dated that were older, didn’t look as old as they were. ¬†Why, OH WHY, do I tend to go after the younger men?

Theory on this one, bear with me.

Guys in their mid-thirties (eek…am I almost that old?) are just so…drama filled. ¬†They have been married. ¬†They have been divorced. ¬†They have kids. ¬†They have baby-mama drama. ¬†They probably did something wrong so their wives had to leave them. ¬†They don’t take care of themselves very well. ¬†They usually don’t exercise. ¬†They don’t dress as nice. ¬†They don’t care much about their looks. ¬†They seem to have forgotten how to treat a lady. ¬†Do I need to go on? ¬†And before some guys e-mail or comment, this has just been my experience. ¬†And it’s my blog. ¬†Don’t like it?? ¬†Start your own.

I take care of myself. ¬†I exercise (mostly). ¬†I look in the mirror before I leave the house. ¬†I take a care when I pick out my clothes (unless it’s Girls Night). ¬†I work very hard to keep drama out of my life, or at least away from my dates. ¬†I don’t bring my kids into relationships. ¬†I don’t tell stories of my divorce, or sing about the heartache of what I have been through. ¬†That takes too much damn ENERGY.

Younger men are the opposite of men my age. ¬†Almost exactly. ¬†They also realize how lucky they are to date someone like me, and go out of their way to prove it. ¬†Over and over again. ¬†(And let’s not forget the added benefit of stamina, and they fact they are more willing to take the time in bed. ¬†Oooh yes.) ¬†I also find that these guys are more willing to go out and do things, not just sit at home and watch TV.

In short, they act more like me.  More of what I am looking for.  Active.  Fun-loving.  Go with the flow.

I think like-minded individuals are drawn to each other.  Should age really be an issue?

Love, Esme

How The Bday Month Is Coming Along

10 May

So I went shooting on Friday…and I am pretty good. ¬†I didn’t start out good, though…

The first gun I shot was a .45 SigSauer 226. ¬†Wow, does that thing have some kick! ¬†Once I got used to the kick, once I got the stance, and once adrenalin stopped coursing through these arteries, I did pretty well. ¬†I was able to group the shots where I wanted them, and I was comfortable with the weapon. ¬†I then shot a 9mm SigSauer 220. ¬†I was expecting a recoil, didn’t get much of one, and had to relearn how to regroup the shots. ¬†(I shot all over that damn target…whoops…) ¬†I did become comfortable with the weapon, and my mojo was back.

I switched back to the .45, and annihilated the target. ¬†I rocked that shit! ¬†Bulls-eye, bulls-eye, bulls-eye. ¬†I once more shot the 9mm, and SEAL brought out a human-shaped target. ¬†He placed it at 25 yards, and moved it forward 5 yards after two rounds. ¬†I fired 50 rounds like this. ¬†The result? ¬†I only missed the target 3 times. ¬†And out of the 47 left, 44 were kill shots. ¬†So yeah…don’t fuck with me…

That evening I was supposed to meet super-hot SEAL for a self-defense lesson. ¬†Sadly, this did not happen. ¬†Shit. ¬†And I can’t tell you why. ¬†But he gave me some advice over the phone, and told me to find a program after I move.

I went out with Jake, Jadyn, and some other friends on Saturday night. ¬†Oh man it was a good time! ¬†Jadyn, poor thing, had to go kind of early. ¬†Jake and I stayed and talked with some other friends at the bar, and then went out for food afterwards. ¬†I’m going to miss that guy. ¬†In the theros of my drunkeness, I laid my head on Jake’s shoulder and he played with my hair. ¬†It was such a comforting moment, and I needed it. ¬†The restaurant was conspiring against me. ¬†It kept moving, fucking with my equilibrium. ¬†Ass-hats.

Birthday month took a break while I was dealing with some legal matters.  But in the end I won, bitches, so it veered back on track.

The next few days are going to revolve around packing, and getting ready to leave. ¬†Wednesday night is my last Girl’s Night Out. ¬†Jake is going to join us, and Carmen, so should you!!! ¬†Nothing like saying goodbye in my favorite dive bar. ¬†I may cry a little…fuck…

Much love, Esme

Need To Release Aggression!!

3 May

I had a great Saturday night…Jadyn, Jake, and Kacie came over to kick off my birthday month. ¬†Jadyn and I regaled Jake with stories from high school (Kacie was not yet there). ¬†He truly realized that my friends and I were a bunch of goody two-shoes back then. ¬†I tell people, but they never believe me. ¬†Sigh. ¬†When did I become so untrustworthy? *wink*

Sunday…not so good. ¬†In fact it was down right fucking horrible. ¬†I felt like I was a little out-of-control. ¬†Monday, same thing. ¬†But by Monday afternoon, things were a little better. ¬†Today I kept low-key, and tomorrow Jake and I are going to go tear it up at a baseball game. ¬†I am getting this birthday month back on track…bitches…

As I said above, Sunday was bad-understatement-Sunday was out of fucking control. ¬†I have something going on in my life right now that shouldn’t be an issue…which is what makes it worse. ¬†And the fallout from this event could, in fact, turn to violence. ¬†None, absolutely NONE, of this is anything I started. ¬†I am tired of being a fucking punching bag to a particular person. ¬†I have decided to be pro-active instead of reactive. ¬†And this particular person in fucking pissed. ¬†Tough shit cock-bag.

Since this particular person has a history of being violent, I am being careful. ¬†But still proactive. ¬†So late Sunday night I pick up the phone and called my Navy SEAL friend. ¬†SEAL, I said. ¬†You know how we are going shooting on Friday? ¬†Well…can we add a self-defense lesson as well? ¬†He asked me what was up, and I gave him a quick rundown of the days events. ¬†I told him that I did indeed have a fear of being attacked, and it has been two years since my last self-defense lesson. ¬†On Monday SEAL called me with an update-We will hook you up, babe. ¬†A couple of us will help you out.

As I write this, I hope that meant a self-defense lesson…

I am really looking forward to Friday. ¬†I have a two-hour range time. ¬†I am getting, what I am sure is tantamount to, a hand to hand combat lesson. ¬†I am going to be physically exhausted, sore and bruised. ¬†And I can’t wait.

Love, Esme


26 Apr

What an interesting couple of days!

Easter, in my large Italian family, was awesome.  It was a big family affair, and I enjoyed every minute of it.  Especially playing with my seven month-old cousin.  She is absolutely adorable!  And I got to give her back when she cried and pooped.  My kinda baby.

That night, I suffered an anaphylactic episode. ¬†Apparently I touched something I wasn’t supposed to, and I had a hard time breathing. ¬†I spent time in the ED and was given all kinds of medicine. ¬†I am still kind of groggy. ¬†And my voice sounds like I work for a phone sex service. ¬†Guys love it, I hate it. ¬†I want my voice back!!

Due to the ED visit, I had to miss Jake’s first stand-up comedy routine ever. ¬†I feel like a shitty friend.

Today I spent half of the day at a local courthouse getting a restraining order against my ex-douchbags girlfriend. ¬†Bitch just doesn’t learn!!

And lastly: I am moving-AGAIN.  I have moved way too many times in the last year and a half.  But I am going back to where this blog started.  Which means fresh meat.  I liked the caliber of guys in Old State, and I am looking forward to getting back into the dating pool there.  I will be moving there within a certain time frame-two weeks to two months from now.  This will be interesting-and fun.

I will keep you posted.

Much love, Esme

Jake Time…Yay!

4 Apr

Following the BCM debacle, Jake knew a night out was what I needed. A night out and some good laughs. A side note here…nothing boosts a woman’s self-esteem like have a gay dude friend. Nothing.

Anyways, Jake called me and told me to meet him at our favorite gay bar. I got there first, walked in, and was the only girl in the bar. I strutted my shit up to obviously gay, but highly attractive bartender, ordered my drink, and waited. Five minutes later Jake walkes in, dressed awesomely. He walked up to the same bartender, and gets bought a shot. Win. We catch up. He tells me I’m fabulous, that I am way too attractive to deal with bullshit, that any dude should kneel at my feet to date me. Fuck yes they should! I heart Jake.

Later that night a bunch of drag queens came in, and one took quite a shine to Jake. And the jewelry on this chick was AMAZING. Seriously, the bling was amazing. Being the great person he is, though, Jake told her he was with his friend, so thanks for stopping by. Awww…I never had a straight dude friend say that.

He bought me breakfast after we closed down the bar, and I finally crawled into bed at 3:30. And it was exactly what I needed. I knew BCM was a dick-munch, but it always feels better to have the affirmation. I’m getting so tired of assholes. It’s draining…

Love, Esme