Archive | January, 2012

Time For Surgery.

30 Jan

I got the ok this weekend…I’m having surgery today. Loverboy is even going to hold my hand. Aawwwww…

I won’t be on here for a while. But when I do return, I’m sure it will be with tales of fabulousness..ok, so that may be hard with a bad shoulder, but a girl can dream…

Much love,


Reason #358 Why I Keep This Blog Anonymous

26 Jan

Despite all of the legal issues I have going on, a lot of other things have been happening in my life as well.  I have debated writing about this for quite some time, because it greatly shows my weakness.  But, there is a reason I don’t tell people about this blog…I want to be able to share all of my experiences, triumphs, and downfalls.

This is both a downfall, and a triumph.

I know that Carmen is out there rolling her eyes, saying What the hell did you do, Esme??

Save the eye-rolling, honey…you will need it later.

My truck has been having some major issues.  MAJOR.  It needs several thousand dollars of work, and I can’t afford it.  M has been doing it for the cost of parts.  Despite the relationship M and I may have had, we are still able to maintain an adult friendship.  He works on my car, I take him out for a drink, and nothing happens.  I go home to Loverboy, and he goes home to his fiancée.  It has been working well.  (For me at least)

Until the last time I saw him.

After he did some work on my car, in the freezing cold, he invited me inside so we could discuss cost and warm up.  This was not an unusual request, so I had no problem following him inside.  I bent over in the entryway to take my shoes off, and when I righted myself M was standing directly in front of me.  You should take your coat off, Esme.  As he said this, his hands found the top of my zipper, and he unzipped my coat.  M, what are you doing? Stop.  M backed off, and conversation turned back to my truck.  Not too long later, he put his hand on my cheek.  I’m ashamed to admit that it sent an electrical shock straight to my nether region.  E, I can’t stop thinking about you.  I literally can’t get you out of my fucking head.  One more night.  Just give me one more night.

I was speechless.  He took my lack of a response as approval, and he kissed me.  A kiss so filled of passion I got wrapped up in it.  Visions of our nights together, naked bodies glistening is sweat, the feel of his hands on me, the pleasure that derived from those nights.  It all came crashing back, the memories I fought so hard to bury.  I leaned in and gave myself the moment.  But only for a moment.  I put my hands on his chest and pushed him away.  He moved, but not much.  He kept his left hand on the back of my neck, his right arm around my waist.  He pulled me closer and whispered in my ear.  Tell me you want me to stop.  Tell me you don’t want me.  He kissed my neck, my ear, his hands roamed.  Christ, he was seducing me.  Literally fucking seducing me.  And I had to muster up every ounce of my internal fortitude to say I want you to stop.

M let me go and stepped out of arms reach.  He cocked his head to the side as his beautiful green eyes searched mine.  You are really turning me down?  You have never said ‘no’ to me.  Do you really have feelings for this guy?

I explained that I did.  Strong feelings.  And I was in no way ready, or willing, to fuck it up.

You love him.

What?  No!  OK, maybe.  Maybe almost.  But that’s not the point, M.  You had your chance.  TWICE.  And you let me go both times.  You fucked up, now you live with the consequences.  All you will have is memories.  No more, no less.

M nodded, his mouth set in a grim line, and returned to business.

We finished talking about my truck, no further mention of what transpired between us.  We made plans for me to bring my truck back after my surgery, since I won’t need to drive much until then.  Before I left I made sure that we were OK.  I like M as a person.  I am not sure about his thought process sometimes, but I enjoy the convos we have together.  I enjoy spending platonic time with him.  And I like the fact he works on my truck for free.  (Out of guilt?  Out of misguided affection?  Who knows, who cares, but he has saved me so much money.  I don’t want that to stop!)  M assured me that we were fine, he just didn’t expect me to say no.  I was pretty miffed by that statement, and told him to explain himself.

Esme, for as long as I have known you, you haven’t been like other women.  You were always about personal pleasure and satisfaction.  If either of us were dating, we still would get together for some mind-blowing sex.  It was without fail.  One would call, the other would come.  You have been able to separate sex from emotion like no other woman, or man, I have known.  I misunderstood, or underestimated, your feelings for this guy.  I truly did.  And that is my fault.  I didn’t expect it.  I KNOW you want to have sex with me.  I could feel it in you.  But I now know you won’t.  The last thing I would ever do is hurt you.

I took in what he said, and let it marinate for a minute.  If it validates you at all, I said, I did want you.  I DO want you.  But there is no way that I am going to give up the happiness I have with Loverboy for a few hours of carnal pleasure with you.  I really like this guy, and I think it has lasting power.  He treats me so incredibly well, and I will not abuse his trust, or his feelings, in me.  Especially not for you.  I can’t, and I won’t.  And you either need to accept it, or you need to leave me alone.

M said he accepts it, and reiterates that he will do nothing to hurt me.  I don’t feel it necessary to tell him he already has, because I don’t think he needs to know.  He brought up memories I no longer want.  And I spent several days thinking about us, when I have spent almost no time on it for months.

And I am fully ashamed to admit that for a split second, or four, I actually considered giving into my libido.  But I didn’t.  And I am oh so very happy I didn’t.  It’s not something I could have ever taken back.

And part of me can’t help but thinking SELFISH PRICK!!  Well, most of me is thinking that 🙂  The nerve.

Love, Esme

Good Lord!

24 Jan

My surgery got postponed. AGAIN. The doctors office had no choice, because the workman’s comp insurance company is refusing to talk to them, so it is unclear if they have approved the surgery. Multiple doctors appointments, all saying I need surgery. Time in front of an arbitrator, telling the insurance company I need the surgery…just to get canceled three days prior, AGAIN, to start over at more appointments and arbitrators. Son of a bitch. And the worst part of it is…if this goes to trial, I have to pay for the doctor’s time up front, at the cost of several thousand dollars. My workman’s comp benefits only covers 1/20th of that. So I may have to let the case go. Again, son of a bitch.

Can’t ANYTHING go as planned? I want my life back!!

Not A Great Start To The Year.

20 Jan

So far, it hasn’t been a great year…

I had court the beginning of the week, and it did not go well.  I’m not going to get into it, because the story is much too involved.  I know I will win this particular argument, but it is going to be a long, exhaustive battle.  And I am just so tired.  And because of recent developments, I had to cancel my trip to go see family and friends this week.  So not only am I tired, I am angry and bitter as well.  Bad place to be.

To make it all better, *sarcasm*, I called Loverboy while I was hysterical crying following court.  He started to pull away a little after that, and I can’t blame him.  I can’t.  My ex has run off a fair share of guys with his bull-shit.  I give Loverboy a lot of credit for sticking around as long as he has.  I finally headed over to his house the other day, and we had a heart-to-heart.  He is understandably worried about me, about the outcome, and about the trials and tribulations I will have to go through until it is all over.  He maintains that it isn’t me that is making him feel overwhelmed, but the situation I am in.  I offered to not discuss so much with him, now that I am sharing, and he said of course not.  Loverboy then admitted that he is having issues at work, and with his daughter, and it is all just compounding.

So we will see.  He is still around, and he is still letting me draw strength from him when I need it.  He is an amazing guy.

And I love him.

I just haven’t told him yet.  Too much going on.  I really hope he can fight with me through all of this.

Love, Esme


10 Jan

Loverboy and I were laying in his bed acting like teenagers. He had his arms around me, Family Guy was on tv, and we we fully dressed. He was whispering silly things in my ear, and I was giggling. (I know, I know…this is all so…NOT ME!)

You have great boobs. *giggle*
You are one hell of a sexy woman. *tee-hee*
The things I’m gonna do to you soon *haha….mmmmm*
I *mumble* you. I went completely still, and asked him to repeat what he just said.
Nooo. *kissed ear*
No, really. I didn’t understand what you just said. Please say it again.
I want you.

I have a very funny feeling that this is not what he really said…

Love, Esme


9 Jan

I had court today with the ex, and let’s just say I came out the victor today.  I was granted a no harassment order, I got all of his witnesses thrown out, and I put a major whole in their defense.  I feel like (a sober) Charlie Sheen…except for Adonis blood, I think I may have Aphrodite blood.

I was so nervous about today that I spent the day with Loverboy yesterday.  He held me, and let me ramble on nonsensically.  He then brought up an excellent point.  Here it is paraphrased.

L: I really wish, Esme, that you weren’t going through all of this.  You stress about it, which makes me negative, and I don’t like it.  And you won’t talk to me about it!  I know so little of what is going on, and it bothers me.  If I knew, I think I would feel better about it.

E: I don’t talk about it because I don’t want to cast this negativity over our relationship.  Believe me when I say this only got bad after I met you.  If this were going on prior to meeting you, I never would have agreed to meet you.  But look, now I have dragged you into it! I don’t want it to affect US.

L: What you and your ex have going on, does not affect us.  It affects you, so therefore it affects us.  But I can’t help you if you don’t TALK TO ME.

E: You’re right.  You are.  I’m sorry.  You can still ask me questions if you want to know something.  I honestly have no idea where to start.

L: I’m afraid to ask you questions.  Since you don’t talk about it, I’m so worried of offending you, making you mad, etc.

E: You can ALWAYS ask.  And you will ALWAYS get a response.  What happened made me who I am.  I’m not going to hide anything, I just don’t know how to tell you.

L: OK.  I feel better.

E: Thank you for telling me how you feel.  You are so good to me, L.  You are.  You listen when I need it.  You hold me when I need it.  I feel safe with you.  So very good to me.

L: No, Esme, you are good to me.  I have a long way to go before you can say I am good to you.

I don’t know how to take that last statement.  Thoughts??

Love, Esme

So Guess What I Learned…

3 Jan

Words may not accurately describe, so let me insert a picture. After all, a picture is worth a thousand words…



Do you, my wonderful bad girls, have any idea what the above picture is? That would be the underside of my bed. That would mean…

I broke my bed!!

Ah-hahahahahahaha!! It can happen!

Today is Loverboy’s birthday. And since I didn’t get to the store, we went back to my place. And I gave him the only gift I had in my arsenal…phenomenal sex.

And that was the result.

Happy birthday to Loverboy.

Love, Esme