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Sexual Fantasy?

18 May

L: Esme, did I ever tell you what my sexual fantasy is?
E: I don’t think so.
L: It’s to get so much sex that I start turning it down.
I have a quiet moment of reflection…
E: And how does it feel?
L: It sucks!! It makes me want to crrrryyyyyyyyy…

Apparently I really really like sex…

Love, Esme

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Didn’t Appreciate This AT ALL

9 Apr

Loverboy and I were playing Call of Duty and smack-talking.  I honestly love days like that…relaxing, no stress, just me and my man.

Until this happened.

He made some remark about my sexual exploits before I met him.  He said it joking, so I responded joking.  Whatever!  I’m not the one that had a threesome!

L: How many partners did you have after your divorce?
E: *still focused on killing the 12 year-old douchebag that just called me a cunt on COD* I don’t know, L.  I don’t really keep track.  8?  9?
L: 8  or 9 in three years?!?!
E: Yeah, so?  Its like three a year.  (as I sat there registering what we were discussing, I’m so glad my brain was smart enough not to spit out a higher number.  Especially after his reaction.  But since my divorce?  Really no clue)
L: That’s a lot!
E: What?  No it’s not!  I’m sure it rivals your number.  And who the fuck cares?  It is before I met you.  This is a pointless fucking conversation.
L: No, it doesn’t.  And no it’s not.  I’m bothered by this.
E: *throwing PS3 remote on his chest* And I don’t appreciate being called a slut.  You just made me feel horrible for something BEFORE I MET YOU!!!  Christ, Loverboy, I am not stupid or naive enough to think you had no sex between your divorce and me.  That’s also three fucking years for you!  Get a life and get over it!!

I didn’t leave his house, because I knew we needed to rehash this once I calmed down.  I went to his room and watched TV, got my heart rate back to normal, and was thinking about finding him to talk.  He found me instead.

L: Esme, I am so sorry.  You’re right, it’s before you met me, and I was completely in the wrong.  I never considered myself a jealous person.  With anyone else I may have dated, I could give a rats ass what they did or didn’t do.  But for some reason, when you say something about  a past relationship, I just get so jealous.
E: There is no reason to be jealous.  None.  And thank you for being honest, but you have to get the fuck over it.  You made me feel like shit, L.  And I did nothing wrong.  I know Ex-wife cheated on you multiple times, but I’m not her.  Just like you aren’t Ex-husband.  But the jealousy?  I’m not having it.  I have a lot of guy friends that I maintain very close relationships to.  Are you going to freak out about that?  Answer carefully, because people I’ve been friends with for ten-plus years will not go away.
L: No, no problem.
E: If it will make you feel better, I will introduce you to them soon.  But jealousy has no place in this relationship.

He said he understood.  He apologized throughout the night, did what he could to make up for it.

I gave up so many friends for my ex, I won’t do it again.  And hopefully it won’t be an issue again.  But it is noted.

Love, Esme

What Happened When I Said ‘IT’.

5 Apr

I finally said it. The ‘L’ word. I didn’t get quite the response I expected.

After an especially emotional lovemaking session, we were laying entangled in each others arms. I couldn’t hold it in anymore, so I blurted it out. Not very slick.

Loverboy stopped kissing my neck and said ‘what?’

I took a deep breath and repeated myself.

I love you. I do.

Loverboy smiled at me, a million dollar smile that I wish you could capture on film. Wow, he said. Wow.

Loverboy looked into my eyes for a long time, then fell asleep.

He never said it back, or has even acknowledged I said it since. He once told me that he never told his ex that he loved her, as he feels actions speak louder than worlds. But then again, he also said he never loved his ex. I think if I keep trying to probe his mind, I will go crazy.

So I said it, and I don’t regret it, because I do.

Right before he fell asleep, Loverboy told me that he wanted to take me to a ‘very nice dinner’ the following day. Turns out, he wound up sick the following day, and now I’m sick. So there hasn’t been much chance to talk about anything.

I’m not going to say it again. But now he can never say he doesn’t know how I feel. And in all honesty, I don’t want to hear it unless he 100% means it. This has been a learning journey for the both of us, and we are definitely learning as we go.

Love, Esme

Remember Him??

3 Apr

*sigh*

Yes…Medic.

Medic and I have remained friends, which was what my goal was when I cut off our late night trysts last summer.  We were friends to begin with, I love just spending time with him and talking to him, and I never wanted that to change.  So I ended things before they became difficult or complicated.

So imagine my surprise when, after our normal hey how are you texts, I received this text:

I mean, I’m glad you found your dude and all, but I wish we were still hanging out and all…

Hmm…how to approach this…

E: This would be a really long time to just be ‘hanging out’.  Things would be complicated by now, and that’s not something either of us wanted.

M: You’re right.  I know.

Dodged a bullet there.  The last thing I wanted to admit was that I was starting to look too forward to his visits.  We continued our normal back-and-forth banter for a while.  I teased him about something, and he said ‘blow me’.  I responded with my usual ‘you wish’, then I received this.

M: God dammit, E.  I wish we were still doing our thing!!

After sitting on that text for a half-hour, I told him that we had a hell of a time.  He agreed, and it hasn’t been brought up since.

Maybe it was already getting complicated.

Love, Esme

 

 

Reason #358 Why I Keep This Blog Anonymous

26 Jan

Despite all of the legal issues I have going on, a lot of other things have been happening in my life as well.  I have debated writing about this for quite some time, because it greatly shows my weakness.  But, there is a reason I don’t tell people about this blog…I want to be able to share all of my experiences, triumphs, and downfalls.

This is both a downfall, and a triumph.

I know that Carmen is out there rolling her eyes, saying What the hell did you do, Esme??

Save the eye-rolling, honey…you will need it later.

My truck has been having some major issues.  MAJOR.  It needs several thousand dollars of work, and I can’t afford it.  M has been doing it for the cost of parts.  Despite the relationship M and I may have had, we are still able to maintain an adult friendship.  He works on my car, I take him out for a drink, and nothing happens.  I go home to Loverboy, and he goes home to his fiancée.  It has been working well.  (For me at least)

Until the last time I saw him.

After he did some work on my car, in the freezing cold, he invited me inside so we could discuss cost and warm up.  This was not an unusual request, so I had no problem following him inside.  I bent over in the entryway to take my shoes off, and when I righted myself M was standing directly in front of me.  You should take your coat off, Esme.  As he said this, his hands found the top of my zipper, and he unzipped my coat.  M, what are you doing? Stop.  M backed off, and conversation turned back to my truck.  Not too long later, he put his hand on my cheek.  I’m ashamed to admit that it sent an electrical shock straight to my nether region.  E, I can’t stop thinking about you.  I literally can’t get you out of my fucking head.  One more night.  Just give me one more night.

I was speechless.  He took my lack of a response as approval, and he kissed me.  A kiss so filled of passion I got wrapped up in it.  Visions of our nights together, naked bodies glistening is sweat, the feel of his hands on me, the pleasure that derived from those nights.  It all came crashing back, the memories I fought so hard to bury.  I leaned in and gave myself the moment.  But only for a moment.  I put my hands on his chest and pushed him away.  He moved, but not much.  He kept his left hand on the back of my neck, his right arm around my waist.  He pulled me closer and whispered in my ear.  Tell me you want me to stop.  Tell me you don’t want me.  He kissed my neck, my ear, his hands roamed.  Christ, he was seducing me.  Literally fucking seducing me.  And I had to muster up every ounce of my internal fortitude to say I want you to stop.

M let me go and stepped out of arms reach.  He cocked his head to the side as his beautiful green eyes searched mine.  You are really turning me down?  You have never said ‘no’ to me.  Do you really have feelings for this guy?

I explained that I did.  Strong feelings.  And I was in no way ready, or willing, to fuck it up.

You love him.

What?  No!  OK, maybe.  Maybe almost.  But that’s not the point, M.  You had your chance.  TWICE.  And you let me go both times.  You fucked up, now you live with the consequences.  All you will have is memories.  No more, no less.

M nodded, his mouth set in a grim line, and returned to business.

We finished talking about my truck, no further mention of what transpired between us.  We made plans for me to bring my truck back after my surgery, since I won’t need to drive much until then.  Before I left I made sure that we were OK.  I like M as a person.  I am not sure about his thought process sometimes, but I enjoy the convos we have together.  I enjoy spending platonic time with him.  And I like the fact he works on my truck for free.  (Out of guilt?  Out of misguided affection?  Who knows, who cares, but he has saved me so much money.  I don’t want that to stop!)  M assured me that we were fine, he just didn’t expect me to say no.  I was pretty miffed by that statement, and told him to explain himself.

Esme, for as long as I have known you, you haven’t been like other women.  You were always about personal pleasure and satisfaction.  If either of us were dating, we still would get together for some mind-blowing sex.  It was without fail.  One would call, the other would come.  You have been able to separate sex from emotion like no other woman, or man, I have known.  I misunderstood, or underestimated, your feelings for this guy.  I truly did.  And that is my fault.  I didn’t expect it.  I KNOW you want to have sex with me.  I could feel it in you.  But I now know you won’t.  The last thing I would ever do is hurt you.

I took in what he said, and let it marinate for a minute.  If it validates you at all, I said, I did want you.  I DO want you.  But there is no way that I am going to give up the happiness I have with Loverboy for a few hours of carnal pleasure with you.  I really like this guy, and I think it has lasting power.  He treats me so incredibly well, and I will not abuse his trust, or his feelings, in me.  Especially not for you.  I can’t, and I won’t.  And you either need to accept it, or you need to leave me alone.

M said he accepts it, and reiterates that he will do nothing to hurt me.  I don’t feel it necessary to tell him he already has, because I don’t think he needs to know.  He brought up memories I no longer want.  And I spent several days thinking about us, when I have spent almost no time on it for months.

And I am fully ashamed to admit that for a split second, or four, I actually considered giving into my libido.  But I didn’t.  And I am oh so very happy I didn’t.  It’s not something I could have ever taken back.

And part of me can’t help but thinking SELFISH PRICK!!  Well, most of me is thinking that 🙂  The nerve.

Love, Esme

So Guess What I Learned…

3 Jan

Words may not accurately describe, so let me insert a picture. After all, a picture is worth a thousand words…

image

Whoops...

Do you, my wonderful bad girls, have any idea what the above picture is? That would be the underside of my bed. That would mean…

I broke my bed!!

Ah-hahahahahahaha!! It can happen!

Today is Loverboy’s birthday. And since I didn’t get to the store, we went back to my place. And I gave him the only gift I had in my arsenal…phenomenal sex.

And that was the result.

Happy birthday to Loverboy.

Love, Esme

Heard The Last Few Days Part II

15 Dec

L: What are you in the mood for tonight?
E: How about some Italian?
L: Mmm…I so love the way Italians taste.
E: Oh.  My.  God.

L: You are amazing.  You always know what to do and say.
E: I have no idea what I am doing.  I’m just going with what feels right.

L: You are so sweet.
E: Goddamn do I have you fooled.

E: Do you think there will ever be a day that I don’t want to jump you as soon as you walk in the door?
L: Good lord I hope not.

E: Loverboy, that is a nice shirt.  It looks so good on you!
L: It will look even better on your floor in about fifteen minutes.
E: Hahaha!!  You so went there!
L: I can’t believe I just said that.

L: What are you doing on Christmas?  Do you have your kids?
E: No, this isn’t my year.
L: I don’t have mine either.  So do you have plans?
E: Nope.
L: Then that settles it.  You will come with me on Christmas.  You can meet my family.

OH GOOD LORD.  Stress!!!

Love, Esme