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Esme vs. Daughter

25 Jul

As you may have guessed from the title, things got worse.

Loverboy and I finally had to agree to not talk about Daughter.  Why?  Well, read on.

He came home from work the other day.  I was at his house since I had both sets of children, so I figured I would make a nice home-cooked meal.  L walks in the door, sunny and happy, until he realizes Daughter is home.  Like someone flipped a switch, he became sullen, grumpy, and reserved.  Basically, a shit to be around.

During dinner, the two of them started getting into it.  I finished my meal, and shooed the other kids out of the dining room.  A few minutes later, L comes storming out, throws his plate in the sink, and follows Daughter down the stairs into her basement dwelling.

An hour passes.

L finally emerged, and is pulling the fake happy off with everyone.  I am sure everyone knows what that is-it is obnoxious, annoying, irritating, and any other negative -ing adjective you can think of.  I ask to speak with him upstairs, and I let some more of what is bothering me off of my chest.

I informed him that every time his daughter is around, his disposition changes dramatically.  My kids ask about it, his kids ask about it. He treats everyone different.  He won’t hug or kiss me when she is around (but will in front of his younger kids).  He barely talks to me when she is around.  He doesn’t smile.  Get the idea?  He is letting his 21-year-old run his emotions.

L then told me that he doesn’t know how to take what I have said, and that his attitude doesn’t change.  I reiterated it does indeed change.  He said it bothers him when I talk about Daughter.  He said he knows she has issues, he knows she is a loser, but he will never turn his back on her, and she will always have a place to live.  He said he doesn’t want me to bring it up again.

I looked at him for a minute, and said OK.  I was totally thrown by his last comment, because he always asks for advice.  I always tell him that she isn’t my daughter, so I can’t say.

Several days ago he brought up us moving in together.  I told him that until he and his daughter fix whatever they have going on, I won’t move in.  He seemed to accept it.  He knows I have become increasingly uncomfortable, and he told me then that she will always have a home with him.  So we all know I will never win this.  I don’t think I should even expect to.

Sorry, I know this post is kind of rambly.  I am just so torn and lost.

We have been talking about future stuff lately-never thought I would do that again!  Anyways-we have.  He wants a future with me.  He wants me to move in with him next year.  He wants me.  

So…stop me if I am wrong here…

I think at some point I should expect to be first.  I think for once he should focus on his happiness, and tell Daughter that if she can’t play ball, she can get her own fucking life instead of mooching off of him.  I am not saying to cut her out.  I am not saying to replace her.  I am simply saying that he should focus on Loverboy.

And, of course, I want to know that I mean enough to him that he stands up for me and/or fights for me.

He tells me often that I am so important to him.  And yet I now feel like limitations have been placed on our conversations.  On our relationship.  On our future.

To end the conversation, I told him that if he continues to let her call the shots, he is going to wind up a lonely old man, and it could be someday soon.

He reiterated how much I mean to him.  I shook my head, and walked out of the room.

I’m wondering if this can only end one way.

Love, Esme

 

Epic Battle #1-One For Our Record Books

7 Jun

Two or three days after Loverboy commenced the Silent Treatment-I lost count while I was insanely flashing back-I got a call from L.  It was during the day, so I knew he was at work.  Hmm…not much conversation can happen while one is working…

L: Esme, hey.

E: Hey?

L: What are you up to?

E: Nothing?

L: How have you been?

How have I been??  Are you fucking kidding me??

I unleashed.  I told him how much he has hurt me the last few days.  Explained the dark place he sent me to.  How incredibly barbaric it was of him to Silent Treatment me when he knows my past.  In turn, he told me how much he was looking forward to that night with me.  How for six months he has been talking about me non-stop to his family, and he was so excited to show them this ‘amazing woman who wanted to date’ him.

Loverboy gave me pause.  Was this argument all about that?  The fact that he just really wanted to introduce me to his family, to ‘show me off’, so to speak?  Not that that revelation excused his behavior toward me the following days, but I am friends with enough dudes to know that the introduction of someone you are in love with is a huge fucking deal.

L got choked up, and asked if I could just come over that night to talk.  I agreed, as this conversation would be way more productive in person.

After the Silent Treatment started, I had walked around my house gathering up all of his shit, including everything he had ever given me.  Sooo…it is safe to say I was fucking pissed.  I grabbed the pile off of my kitchen table, and took it with me.  Why?  I’m not sure.  To let him know I was pissed?

When I walked in the door, I plopped the pile on his kitchen table.  L just looked at me.

E: This is all your shit that was at my house, and I am tired of looking at it.

Loverboy was rendered speechless.  After a minute or two, he crossed the kitchen and took me into his arms.  After a few seconds, I hugged him back.  And we stood in silence for several long moments and just hugged.  We needed that, it calmed us down.

We were able to have a very calm, rational discussion following that hug.  He explained that he was so upset at the situation, he could feel himself taking it out on me, which he didn’t want to do.  So in his weird male-hormoned brain, not talking to me made more sense.  I explained why he can’t give me the Silent Treatment.  I gave him an alternative-please just tell me you are angry at me or at a situation, and you need to calm down before we can discuss it rationally.  He agreed to be more forthcoming about his feelings, and I accepted what he said at face value.  Can I promise to not revert when Silent Treatment is given again?  Nope.  But I did promise that if he ever gave me the Silent Treatment again, he would never have to bother calling me.  EVER again.

For a few days we had an uneasy alliance.  You know those first few days after a major blowout and everyone is walking on egg shells?  We did that.  And one day, it was just all better.

The scare seemed to change Loverboy.  He is a lot more open with his feelings, often telling me how lucky he is, how great I am, how he loves me, etc.  He is more touchy-feely in front of family (before he would barely hold my hand).  The changes have definitely been positive, and make me feel much more appreciated.

We will see how it goes.

On the This shit only happens to me front…

I met Loverboy’s new neighbors the other day.  Neighbor caught sight of my firefighter plates on my vehicle, and inquired to where I work.  I told him, and he asked me if I knew Ambulance Guy.

Are you fucking kidding me??  Ambulance Guys brother moved in next door to my boyfriend?!?

I can just see this going down…

Ex-fuck buddy?  Meet boyfriend.  Boyfriend, meet the guy I’d probably be fucking if I hadn’t met you.

*facepalm*

Love, Esme

Update On Loverboy

29 May

Well, he’s pissed.

I finally got a hold of him last night, and he yelled at me.

He was pissed I missed the wedding.

Never mind that my babysitter fell through two hours prior, and I could find no one else.

It is all my fault.

And now, I’m pissed.

I mean, REALLY??  He has kids of his own.  He knows how this works.  SHIT HAPPENS.

What am I supposed to do with his anger?

He has been giving me the silent treatment ever since.

My ex-husband used to give me the silent treatment before he would haul off and hit me.  Does Loverboy know this?  Yes he does.  I have told him on several occasions that he, under no circumstances, can give me the silent treatment.  I makes me flash back.  It makes me cower on the floor and rock back and forth.  It makes me insane.  Literally.

I feel like if a man has any love or respect for you what-so-ever, he will not do something to you that causes these reactions.  He would take into account what you have said, how you feel, and work accordingly.  Why do I think that?  Because I would do it for the man I love.

I made sure he always felt appreciated, always felt loved, and always felt like I would be faithful.

I am so tired of giving so much of myself, to not get it in return.

But the fact of the matter is…I just don’t know what to do.

Suggestions?

Love, Esme

This Just Seems Ridiculous…

10 May

No, Loverboy and I haven’t been in another fight…but I wonder if we are heading that way.

Loverboy has two brothers, one older, one younger. Both are married. The younger has his own life, friends, etc. the older seems to be relationally dependent on Loverboy.

I don’t think he has friends. I don’t think he likes to be alone with his wife and kid. I don’t think he knows how to be alone, period. PERIOD.

For the last three years that Loverboy ha been single, older brother has had him basically to himself. They spent a lot of time together, Loverboy has done most of the work on older brothers house, etc. It’s safe to say they were buddy-buddy.

Enter Esme. Now, Loverboy wants to spend time with her. Esme made sure that Loverboy still spent every Thursday with Brothers, as it is a standing date. But, of course as it is with any relationship, Esme and Loverboy spent a lot of time together.

Older brother has started making remarks. ‘Loverboy would do it, but he is too busy with Esme’. ‘We never see Loverboy because he is always with Esme’. ‘The amount of time you spend with Esme is ridiculous’. Of course, all of this is said within earshot of me. I can hear it all. The first time, funny. The second time, not as funny. Third through tenth time, older brother is clearly pissed off I’m taking his brother away and needs to let it be known.

Loverboy has stuck up for me, I will give credit where credit is due. But enough is becoming enough.

Tonight is Thursday, so L is with his brothers. I was out visiting friends. L texted me asking a question, I answered, and he replied. All of the sudden I got a text from older brother telling me to stop texting. I asked if I was interrupting his alone time, and he replied YES!!!! I texted L back, told him to apologize for me, and left them alone.

Not too long later, I got a text from older brother saying he was joking.

I didn’t reply.

I used to get accused by my ex-husbands family of taking him away from them. In reality, it was the other way around. I’m not dealing with that shit again. Nor am I going to fight L’s brother for L’s time. I REFUSE. I’m not necessarily fighting for it now, but I am tired of the remarks, the jabs, and the snide comments.

Am I being unfair? I don’t think I am, but you guys probably know better than I do. Loverboy admits that his brother is a ‘needy bitch’, and has told me to please ignore it. But it is becoming increasingly difficult.

I am supposed to go over to older brothers house on Saturday for a mothers day luncheon. I’m not sure I am going to go for several reasons. I don’t want to deal with this. I just don’t. Not to mention my ex-husband refuses to switch weekends so I won’t have my kids, and in sure I won’t be on the mood to deal with people in general. I’m already going to be a crabby bitch, maybe I should just stay away from situations that will piss me off.

Love, Esme

Umm…hmm…part deux.

5 May

Here is how this whole thing finished.

At midnight, I received a text from Loverboy asking if I was still up. I didnt answer. He asked if I was drunk, I didn’t answer. Ten minutes later he was at my door.

When I let him in, he immediately apologized. He said he didn’t remember we had plans, and he is sorry. He also said that his brother will watch his kids so we can go do something for my birthday. He apologized for being ‘short’ with me (hello, he was on his man-period). I listened to him talk, then I fell over the couch. He ran over and helped me off the floor, and then I proceeded to run into the wall. After that, he gathered up some clothes for me, and took me to his place where he could watch me. Did I mention I don’t drink that much??

Once we got to his house, I started playing Call of Duty. He kept saying it was time for bed, and I ignored him. Fuck him, I didn’t want to listen to him. I found myself being disagreeable just to show him. Show him what, you ask? I have no idea…but it made sense to my drunk self.

I finally let him tuck me into bed after two in the morning. He tried getting frisky with me, and apparently mid-moan I started snoring. And I slept like the dead.

This morning when we got up, I apologized for my behavior. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure what was said or done after i got to his house, and I wanted to preempt another fight. Loverboy said I had no need to apologize, but he did.

He told me how shitty his day was, and how this month is going to suck for him financially. He felt angry he forgot we had plans. He said he took his shitty day out on me, and he never should have done that. He then said again that he would still take me out for my birthday.

As I sit writing this, he is working on his yard, talking to me like absolutely nothing happened. I’m going with it…I don’t feel the need to rehash it at all. Based in his behavior after he came and got me, I’m guessing his brother had a few words to say to him. His family thinks I’m the best thing that has happened to him, and they are never afraid to let him know.

I will, however, play my cards a little closer to my chest. I will let him contact me, and I will never assume our plans are set in stone until they are confirmed.

Reading back through this post, I feel like it doesn’t make a lot of sense. I feel like the whole night didn’t make a lot of sense. Can anyone explain to me what the fuck happened with his behavior? I feel like Cal Naughton Jr….’To tell you the truth I’m a little confused by your tactics. I’m gonna keep acting tough until I figure it out.’

Love, Esme

Umm…hmmm…

4 May

So tell me if I’m wrong here…I really need advice on this.

This morning as Loverboy was leaving for work, he said we should head to a dinner and movie tonight. I agreed, and that was that. Or so I thought.

He called me during his lunch break, asked how my day was, etc etc. this is normal. He then said that he would call me after work. Also normal.

So I had a pretty shitty afternoon/evening. I won’t lie about that. What could go wrong, did. But I was buoyed by the fact that I was going to dinner and a movie, for my birthday no less. He has his kids on my actual birthday a few days from now, so we talked about tonight. Following so far?

So at six I start getting ready. Hair done, makeup done, and I wait. And wait. At 730 I send him a text, asking if we still have plans, no response. Something else happened, and my night got even shittier. Still no Loverboy. He FINALLY called me at 830. I asked if we were still getting together, he said no, and I said ‘OK’. Then shit got interesting.

Now I will admit that I was already on the verge of tears when he called. Not because he stood me up, but because of the other shitty news I got. When he said he was going to go to his brothers instead, I told him to have a good evening and hung up the phone. A good move on my part? Probably not. But I wasn’t going to let him hear me cry.

He called me twenty minutes later on the defensive. What’s your problem? You have no right to be mad at me. I don’t remember making plans with you. You get mad at me if you don’t hear from me one day, and you know what Esme? I don’t need this shit in my life. I just don’t.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the fuck is going on here?? My response:

Let me lay it on the line for you, L. You made plans with me this morning, and you stood me up. Am I necessarily upset with you? Some. But I’m more upset that I actually did my hair and makeup and WAITED AROUND for you instead of doing other shit. So therefore I am more mad at myself. And another thing, I don’t get mad if I don’t hear from you. There are many days that we don’t communicate until you call me before you head to bed. So that argument is invalid. And lastly, if you decide you want to see your brother instead of me (which is where he went tonight), I’m OK with that. Family is number one, most important thing there is. I get that I rank below your family. I get that I rank below your kids. And I should. But don’t sit and tell me that I’m doing shit that ‘you don’t need’ in your life.

There was a long stretch of silence.

Listen, L. I’m sorry if you think I’m mad at you. I’m sorry if you think that I have to hear from you every night, and you feel obligated to call. You know when this would have been a good time to have this discussion? When you first started feeling this way. Not tonight.

Loverboy thought of what I said, and then threw out some other shit I can’t remember. He was on the defensive, and he was wanting to get it all out there.

He eventually asked if he called me tomorrow, and I remarked that I may be nursing a hangover.

L: You’re drinking?
E: Yep. (I’m not a big drinker)
L: Are you sure thats a good idea?
E: I don’t give a shit if it is or not. Fuck it, right?
L: I’m going to call you when I’m at my brothers. I may stop in to check on you.
E: Because you feel guilty? Don’t bother. Enjoy your brother’s house.
L: I’m serious.
E: Sure you are. Have fun.

I hung up. I just got a text asking if I felt better because he is at his brothers. I haven’t answered. I guess I am pissed off about being stood up. For my BIRTHDAY.

Didn’t Appreciate This AT ALL

9 Apr

Loverboy and I were playing Call of Duty and smack-talking.  I honestly love days like that…relaxing, no stress, just me and my man.

Until this happened.

He made some remark about my sexual exploits before I met him.  He said it joking, so I responded joking.  Whatever!  I’m not the one that had a threesome!

L: How many partners did you have after your divorce?
E: *still focused on killing the 12 year-old douchebag that just called me a cunt on COD* I don’t know, L.  I don’t really keep track.  8?  9?
L: 8  or 9 in three years?!?!
E: Yeah, so?  Its like three a year.  (as I sat there registering what we were discussing, I’m so glad my brain was smart enough not to spit out a higher number.  Especially after his reaction.  But since my divorce?  Really no clue)
L: That’s a lot!
E: What?  No it’s not!  I’m sure it rivals your number.  And who the fuck cares?  It is before I met you.  This is a pointless fucking conversation.
L: No, it doesn’t.  And no it’s not.  I’m bothered by this.
E: *throwing PS3 remote on his chest* And I don’t appreciate being called a slut.  You just made me feel horrible for something BEFORE I MET YOU!!!  Christ, Loverboy, I am not stupid or naive enough to think you had no sex between your divorce and me.  That’s also three fucking years for you!  Get a life and get over it!!

I didn’t leave his house, because I knew we needed to rehash this once I calmed down.  I went to his room and watched TV, got my heart rate back to normal, and was thinking about finding him to talk.  He found me instead.

L: Esme, I am so sorry.  You’re right, it’s before you met me, and I was completely in the wrong.  I never considered myself a jealous person.  With anyone else I may have dated, I could give a rats ass what they did or didn’t do.  But for some reason, when you say something about  a past relationship, I just get so jealous.
E: There is no reason to be jealous.  None.  And thank you for being honest, but you have to get the fuck over it.  You made me feel like shit, L.  And I did nothing wrong.  I know Ex-wife cheated on you multiple times, but I’m not her.  Just like you aren’t Ex-husband.  But the jealousy?  I’m not having it.  I have a lot of guy friends that I maintain very close relationships to.  Are you going to freak out about that?  Answer carefully, because people I’ve been friends with for ten-plus years will not go away.
L: No, no problem.
E: If it will make you feel better, I will introduce you to them soon.  But jealousy has no place in this relationship.

He said he understood.  He apologized throughout the night, did what he could to make up for it.

I gave up so many friends for my ex, I won’t do it again.  And hopefully it won’t be an issue again.  But it is noted.

Love, Esme