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I Fucked Up…BAD

24 Mar

Loverboy and I got into our first MAJOR argument a few days ago.  It’s not even worth to get into what it was about, but I will tell you what I said…

Right now, you remind me of my ex-husband!!

Not.  The.  Right.  Thing.  To.  Say.

He whipped around faster then I ever have seen him, and said in a deadly quiet voice:

You compare me to HIM??  A wife-beater?  How is that to make me feel?  What am I supposed to do with that?

I tried back-pedaling.  I tried explaining.  I made it worse.

I fucked up, and I fucked up bad.

The next day I tried talking to him, and all he said was that he was still bothered.  I left him alone.

I called the day after, he still sounded strained.  I told him I missed him, and he hung up.

Today, things finally seem a little bit better, but not normal.  However, we are still keeping our plans for tomorrow, so that will be the test.

How could I be so stupid??

Love, Esme


Some Things MAY Have Been Said.

8 Dec

So Loverboy and I went out for dinner last night.  He was pretty reserved, and I finally got the courage to ask him what was wrong.  I was 100% sure it was me, and I wanted to get it on the table.

It wasn’t.

It was about his daughter.

Apparently, she was in an abusive relationship.  As far as he is SURE of, she isn’t in it anymore.  But he thinks she is still seeing him without him knowing.

This guy had run her off the road in her car, and sent her to the hospital.  He had her drive drunk.  He was verbally abusive, and she was in tears constantly.  Loverboy did everything he could think of.  Calling the police.  Threatening this douche’s life.  Forbidding her to go out with him.  She told Loverboy she broke it off, but he isn’t so sure.

Ever since Loverboy threatened douche’s life, daughter has closed off communication with him.  And he is worried.  I couldn’t keep quiet anymore.

I told him that he needs to grab their relationship by the reins, stop being a friend and start being a dad.  I told him that women who have been abused are more likely to go back, or get into another abusive relationship unless they get help.  Daughter is beautiful, but she has self-esteem issues.  That is another factor in her going back to him.  I explained how they break you, how they convince you that no one else will want you.  I explained it all.  And he sat and listened.

I told Loverboy that he needs to sit down and have a very frank talk with her…a come to Jesus meeting if you will.  I told him to use me as an example if he would like.  He said he just doesn’t feel like she will listen, and was wondering if I could be a part of the conversation, share my story with her.

I really hesitated.  I have only met her for a grand total of two minutes.  I said she would listen to him more than me.  He is her daddy…I’m just the lady who is taking his time.  But I did concede to tell my story if she doesn’t listen to him.  She has also started drinking heavily and blacking out.  This girl is running and hiding from something.  And Loverboy needs to find out what.

Well, that conversationchanged into what is going on with my life.  Loverboy finally asked me if I had some deep dark secret I was not sharing.  I assured him I wasn’t, so I gave him a very minimal background of what I was up against.  A mother-in-law that told me I deserved to get hit.  An entire family denying the abuse.  So many lies to count.  All because I didn’t want to stay home with the kids.  All because I went to school to save lives.  All because I wasn’t from the mid-west.  And yes, those are actually the reasons why all of the abuse happened.  All absolute bull-shit.

Loverboy listened, with his hand on mine.  He said a few times that he didn’t understand the ex’s behavior, and I told him it was a good thing he didn’t.  That if he did understand, I wouldn’t be dating him.  I still didn’t explain the abuse.  Just the aftermath.  I then told him this:

E: You know, I am really hesitant to explain to you everything that has happened.  I am afraid you will leave, and I don’t want you to.  I don’t want the shit my ex is doing to determine this relationship.  The OP got filed after I met you.  I didn’t meet you while I was going through this.  I didn’t want to bring you into this.  I understand this is really heavy.  I understand if you don’t want to keep seeing me.  I understand.  I do.

L: I understand.  I understand you want to see your kids.  And I understand that you feel unsafe and that you needed to do what you did.  But I’m worried for you.

E: Don’t worry.  I’m OK, I am.  I take it as it comes and I keep myself safe.

L: But that doesn’t stop me from worrying.  And if he ever comes after you, I will break his kneecaps.

E: No…please don’t do that.  All you need to do is what you are already doing.  Thank you for listening.  It means a lot.  I know you have so many questions.  And if there is something you really want to know, you can ask.  I will be honest and truthful.  And you won’t like it.  But if you want to know, you can ask.

L: I need to think about that, Esme.

After that convo, we went to bed.  This morning, Loverboy gathered me into his arms and held onto me.  He asked me to please be careful today at my hearing.  He said he was worried about me, and he wishes I would let him go.  He told me to please call him after it was over.

I smiled into his chest, and reiterated that I would be OK.  I told him again that I was, and still am, really nervous to share because I don’t want him to leave.  He kissed my forehead, and told me that his mom will love me.  He also said my ex sounds like an idiot, and my ex’s family lost a great woman.  I really hope he means it.

This WAS NOT a conversation I wanted to have with him.  I don’t want this negative cloud over our heads.  I don’t want my ex to determine the status of this new relationship.  But it went better than I thought it would.  I think talking about his daughter first helped open the lines of communication.

When I told Loverboy about what happened in court today, he asked me if I was still coming over tonight.

I think I found a great guy.  I HOPE I found a great guy.  Time will tell.

Love, Esme

*My case got continued for another two weeks.  I am still protected*

I Hate These Thoughts…

4 Dec

OK, it is that time of relationship again…time for Esme’s ramblings.  And, of course, this comes in light of something happening with the ex-husband.

My ex managed to fork over a fuckton of money for a new lawyer.  Yes, his parents hate me oh so much that I am sure they plopped down five figures to fight little ol’ me.  The date of my protective order hearing has been moved up to this week, and I am frantically working on my defense (I just needed a break!  Lawyer jargon has me cross-eyed!)

I told Loverboy a very small amount of what happened.  Just that the ex got a lawyer and moved up the case.  His response was He’ll need ten lawyers if he is going to beat you!  Sweet sentiment.  But I am really starting to wonder what I may have gotten Loverboy into.  And if it is fair.

My ex has run off a fair share of my dates.  In all honesty, there was never anyone worth continuing to date.  So as much as my ex has irritated me in that regard, it hasn’t royally pissed me off.  But this time, it WILL if it happens.

I haven’t been very forthcoming about my abusive marriage, which I have stated before.  Loverboy knows he was not nice, but that is the extent of it.  He hasn’t asked, and I have not offered.  A majority of the reason I have not is because I haven’t wanted to scare him or run him off.  Because as much of a problem I have had with the ex during my marriage, post-marriage has been a lot worse.  Harassment, veiled threats of violence, threatening to hide the kids…it’s all just bad.  These days it takes a lot for the ex to make me crazy.  It takes a lot for him to piss me off to the point where I see red.  It just takes a lot to get me riled where he is concerned.  Which is good and bad…good I am finally becoming accustomed to it, and bad for the same reason.  So when it comes to sharing, I just don’t feel the need to because I don’t often let it affect me.  But the problem is-when it does, it does badly.  And it is noticed by everyone.  I just don’t want to have to warn him of that possibility.

I also hesitate to share because this is my problem, not his.  I am the one that made the regrettable decision to marry him.  I am the one that has had to deal with the fall-out.  I am the one that has this cross to bear, so to speak.  And I am afraid to share that burden.  It is such a heavy burden.  I feel like it would be really unfair to make him take that on.

What guy would actually knowingly stick around with all of this drama surrounding me?  Honestly, I think it would be safer for him to turn and run.  I HATE drama.  I try very hard to get it out of my life…no more Sunday, the order of protection so I don’t have to deal with the ex, etc.  I kick drama to the curb just like I do trash on Monday.  But the ex keeps bringing it back.  Keeps depositing it on my doorstep.  And I just can’t completely get rid of it because of this damn judicial system!!

So I am scared.  I’m scared one day I will share and Loverboy will tell me it’s just too much to handle.  I’m scared to not share in case he is upset that I didn’t trust in him enough.  I’m scared that the ex will find out about Loverboy and cause so much havoc that Loverboy will have no choice but to walk away from me.  I’m scared that I am pulling him into this never-ending web of lies, deceit, abuse and unknown.  I don’t feel like it is fair.  But I also don’t feel like life is being fair to me!  I meet this great guy, who wants to get to know me, who wants to be around me, and fucking drama in the form of my ex starts pulling shit again.

I am really trying to not let life cause any problems with this.  When I see Loverboy, I try to forget about the drama, about the bad.  I focus on him, on us.  I smile, I laugh, and I try to be in the here and now.  And I need that.  But at the end of the day, I can’t help but feeling like I am being unfair to him.

He wants to go with me to my OP hearing, and I said no.  The last thing I want is for him to listen to my ex-in-laws badmouth me for three hours.

Am I being unfair?  Is it right for me to date Loverboy knowing what I am going to be facing for the forseeable future?  What if I really like him?  The ex and I have not been an item for SO LONG…why can’t he just leave me alone?  WHEN IS IT MY FUCKING TURN FOR SOME EASY-BREEZY??

Love, Esme

Here Is What Happened

1 Dec

So I just got home about an hour ago.  And it is 9:45 in the morning.  Here is what went down…

When I got to Loverboy’s house, I sat down and had a talk with him about my order of protection and my ex.  He sat in silence for a few minutes, and I grew anxious and fidgety.  I wasn’t liking where this was headed.  AT ALL.  He finally spoke:

L: Can I have his number?
E: Whose number?
L: Your ex’s.
E: NO!!
L: I’m not going to call him…while you are here.
E: No.  I don’t want you getting involved, but I wanted to let you know in case something happens while we are out.  I’m sorry I have to tell you this at all, but you have a right to know.
L: I just don’t understand why he is such a dickhead.  You are so nice, why is he like this?

From there we got into a small discussion about abusive individuals, and the behaviors that perpetuate from leaving.  When I didn’t feel like discussing it anymore, I just stopped.  And he respected that.  He held my hand, and told me that if I wanted him to go to court with me to argue for the permanent order later this month, he would take the day off and go with me.

We left for lunch, had a great time, then headed to see a movie.  After the movie, Loverboy asked if I wanted to go get a drink.  I grimaced, and explained that I was stupid enough to wear new heels on our date today, and the balls of my feet were burning.  He laughed, and said that’s what I get for being taller than him, and offered up going back to his place to shoot some pool.  I was game, so we went.

I was sitting on the couch, massaging my poor aching feet, and Loverboy was getting us a couple of drinks.  I heard the garage door, and I froze.  I look over at Loverboy, and he explained his daughter was home (she is 21).  I asked if this was bad, and he said no, not at all.  But I was panicked.  Absolutely panicked.  He came over and sat down next to me as she walked into the house.  He introduced me, and she held out her hand.  She said ‘Esme, it is veeeeerrrrrrryyyyyyyy nice to meet you!’  I said it was nice to meet her as well.  She then said she has someplace to be, and left the house.  I was so embarrassed.  I felt like a teenager that got caught.  I later found out that he told her to make herself scarce, which made the embarrassment even worse.  What she must think of me…

We played a couple of games of pool, and I found out how much I suck at it.  I won one game because he scratched, but it is a victory none-the-less.  And I talked smack over it.  We were tied 1-1.  He then walked slowly over to me and took the pool cue out of my hand.  Esme, he said, have you ever made love on a pool table?  No, I replied.  I haven’t.  I tilted me head up to his and whispered that I will have to add it to my list.  He lifted me up and sat me on the edge of the pool table.  After a very intense make-out session, he grabbed my hand and pulled me off of the table.  Upstairs, he muttered.  We are going upstairs.  I stammered something about needing to play a tie breaking game.  I was suddenly really nervous!  He said later, and he led me up the stairs.

Let’s just say it was really, really great.  Really.  I think my nervousness was evident, so he went nice and slow.  I was nervous because I like this guy.  I do.  And I was nervous that it would change things for the worse.  That was what I exactly DID NOT want.  But I think whenever you introduce sex into a relationship, it always changes it.  But how it changes depends on the people involved.

Afterward, we lay there in a sweaty mess breathing heavy.  He rolled me over on my side and threw his arm over me.  I fell asleep with the biggest smile on my face.  I woke up a lot throughout the night.  I was worried about what the morning would bring.  Loverboy sleeps like the dead.  He doesn’t move.  He doesn’t snore.  He doesn’t steal covers.  He had NO IDEA I was tossing and turning.  I was glad, I didn’t want to wake him up.  I watched him sleep for a while, and finally fell asleep right before his alarm went off for work.

He got up to take a shower, and I got up to get dressed.  Please don’t leave yet, he said.  Once I got dressed I laid back down and closed my eyes.  I woke up when he laid down and snuggled up next to me.  We talked for a few minutes, then headed downstairs.  I watched him putz around the kitchen while I petted Khloe the Dog.  He asked me how I was going to make Christmas cookies with my shoulder being so bad (I had brought it up a couple of dates ago).  I told him I wasn’t going to be able to, and he offered to be my kitchen bitch.  I told him only if he wore the apron…naked.  Loverboy laughed, and agreed.  He then also said that after he did some research, he found out The Nutcracker Ballet was going to be in town in a couple of weeks, and would I be interested in going.  I was speechless.  He actually listened when I talked.  It’s like he took notes.  I nodded my head, I didn’t trust myself to speak.  I put my coat and my scarf on.  I looked at my shoes and sighed…I was not looking forward to putting the torture devices back on.  Loverboy went to the closet and gave me his slippers to wear home so my feet would be more comfortable.  Is this guy for fucking real??  A mirage, maybe??

He walked me out to my car, and gave me a big hug.  I gave him a kiss on the cheek since I had morning breath.  He remarked that I needed to keep a toothbrush at his place so he could properly kiss me in the morning.  WOW.  I had no response.  He said he would call me later, and I left.

I already got a text this morning that said : Thank you for staying over last night.  I can’t wipe this smile off my face!

That, of course, made me smile.

Neither can I.

Love, Esme

Won’t Back Down

28 Nov

I know…it’s been a week!  I am such a skank!

I have been listening to this song A LOT.  Especially while I have been in the midst of a custody battle:

That’s right, you fucking prick.

I’m not going anywhere.

Pull shit on me, and I will fight right back.  I backed down so many times over the course of my marriage.  NO MORE.  And my ex learned that one in court this week.

His lawyer withdrew because my ex is a supreme douche dumpster.  And he told the judge that, as well.  My ex came at me, and I counter acted every fucking argument.

So I am just going to say it.  Courtesy of Eminem.

Damn my dick’s big!!  (metaphorically, of course).

We still have a long battle, but damn if I am not winning skirmish after skirmish.  Without a lawyer.

I fucking rock.

That is all.

Oh…did you come to hear about Loverboy?  I guess I can give you a quick synopsis of what is going on…

We have seen each other several times over the last week and a half.  He came over for a movie after my kids went to bed a couple of times.  We went to the movies last night.  His kisses just make me melt.  I’m talking goosebumps over my body, shivers down my spine.  He knows just where to kiss on my neck to make me puddle.  Loverboy makes me feel like a teenager.  So far we have made out on my couch, his couch, his car, and a movie theater.  And nothing has gone over the PG mark.  He told me last night that he can’t wait to maul me.  I can’t wait, either…damn it will be good…now?  PLEASE??

Loverboy is very respectful of boundaries.  I think he has a better idea of what they are then I do.  It’s refreshing to meet someone who knows how to behave like a gentleman.  I still have no idea how to handle that.  He told me I was beautiful…then didn’t try to fuck me.  He holds my hand when we are walking.  He constantly thanks me for seeing him.  He hugs.  He kisses.  He whispers in my ear.  He kisses me on the cheek and forehead.  He plays with my hair.  It’s all so…nice.

And I have to admit that I am completely giddy.


Love, Esme

Music+Memories=Not Always A Good Time

20 Sep

This week hasn’t been a great one.  And the awesomeness of it was cumulated yesterday when I found out the my surgery has been postponed.  The surgery that took weeks to schedule.  Why was it postponed?  Because workman’s comp failed miserably at doing their job.  Absolutely fucking miserably.  Apparently there was particular paperwork to be filed, and my original adjuster dropped the ball.  So while she is being investigated, they have to re-investigate my claim.  So basically it has to start all over.  Fucking phenomenally awesome.  Am I the only one this shit happens to?  I just want to go back to work!!!!!

Now back to my originally scheduled post.

I am one of those people who puts music to memories.  I doubt I am the only one out there who does.  Music can make me feel happy, sad, enraged, content.  A certain song can open an absolute floodgate of memories and emotions.  Some are welcome, some are not.  A lot of time I will associate a memory with what is playing on my iPod when a particular event happens.  Sometimes a hear a song and I could have written it word for word based on an event that happened.  Sometimes there is no good reason as to why a song reminds me of something that has happened.  And I seem to like the word ‘happened’ today.

I was listening to my iPod when this song played:

I’ve posted this song in the past.  It reminds me word for word of M.  I cried for the first time over him in weeks.  And I think I needed it.  I have been asked out on a number of dates recently, and I have turned all of them down.  M still occupies too much of my heart.  I know that if I do date someone right now, I won’t give the date a fair shot.  I’ll just keep enjoying my Medic time thankyouverymuch.

The only other guy I ever cried over was Perfect.  We had a tumultuous relationship, which you can read about by clicking his tag.  The feelings I had in that relationship were exponentially worse than they should have been, given the fact it was the first relationship after my divorce.  I listened to this song to make me feel better:

But soon after, I was listening to this one:

When I finally am lucky enough to meet my Mr. Right, this is the song that will have to be sung to him (not by me, as I am a horrific singer.  But by someone else for me):

This next one I dedicate to my ex-husband.  If it weren’t for all of the shit he put me through, I wouldn’t be the person I am today:

This song reminds me of my grandmother:

I dedicate this song to all of the men that have dicked me over-LOVE IT.  Listen to the words, and you will see why:

Every time I hear this song it gets me in the mood for a little bit of Medic:

I fell in love with this song after watching Ladder 49 (which almost made me quit the academy!).  When I had to fill out the department ‘In case you die in the line of duty’ paperwork, I only had two requests: an all female honor guard and this song.  This song reminds me of the sacrifice of those before me (personally and professionally).  And it gives me solace that I am being watched over:

There are so many songs, so many memories.  I leave you with just one more.  So often I am told by well-meaning friends that if I just change a little I would have better luck with dating.  What they fail to realize is this-the last time I compromised myself, I wound up in an abusive marriage.  I will never again change anything.  I will never hide anything.  I very much love who I am.  I am perfect:

Much love,


So Much To Tell…

27 Jun

Oh my god it has been one hell of a roller coaster ride the last week or so.  Let’s deal with the What The Fuck moment of the week.

I have been so busy, that I have been neglecting friends, family, and everyone in between.  Especially you guys…and I tell you  everything.  So needless to say, I have also been neglecting Nice Guy.  As in I haven’t talked to him for a week.  Just ONE WEEK.  Not a month, not a year, but a week.  And here is the email I received from him the other day:

I appreciate and understand that you have not had it easy the past year and are still working your way though things.  However, a friendship takes two and I have felt that you have been scarce to non-existent for some time.  I understand that you live in a different time zone, work two jobs, are taking care of your kids, and are fighting your ex and his girlfriend. In a friendship I would hope that my wants get met, but at the very least my needs get met.  Maybe after you have had the time to get settled you will be able to resume a friendship with me.  Only time will tell.  In the meantime, I cannot continue with our friendship in this way.  Good luck in your endeavors and I hope you find happiness and it is your own…Nice Guy.

And yes, this is copied and pasted, only thing changed is the name at the end.

I have an inbox FULL of emails from friends, and every other one says ‘Just please let us know your alive’, ‘You didn’t to anything stupid enough to go to jail, did you?’, ‘Hang in there baby, things get better’.  And then I get the one above.

If you KNOW that I am going through all of that drama, and you KNOW I have all of this shit going on, don’t you think I may appreciate an email that is a little more positive?  Or how about ‘I’m always here for you, I know you are going through a lot, just call me when you have time’?  FUCK OFF DOUCHEBAG.  Last thing I need is your girlie-ass complaining about your ex-girlfriend from two years ago that you are still pining over because she is sooooo beautiful.  She left you, man the fuck up, and get on with your life.

In other news, Medic cancelled another lunch.  What the fuck ever.  We were drunk, you kissed me, big fucking deal.  Why is it that dudes have to make a federal case about everything?  He acts like it was the world’s biggest no-no.  I just don’t have the energy for it.

In better news…I went out with Fighter again.  And we had a really nice time.  It turned into a three and a half hour lunch, where we just learned a little more about each other.  And he asked me to go have a day with him this Thursday.  He wants to go do something ‘fun’, like bowling or miniature golfing.  I suggested laser tag, because nothing says ‘date’ like shooting someone in the ass.  We will see what he decides 🙂

On this better news note, I am having a bit of a panic attack.  I feel like date three is a committment.  As a committment-phobe, I am having issues with this.  Fighter has yet to ask why I got divorced.  I have yet to tell him about my marriage.  I have always said it isn’t anyone’s business, but I am now second guessing that opinion.  I’m thinking he needs to know.  I have yet to kiss him because I am interested in him.  He hugs me and I am the one who breaks away.  This is all quite the conundrum for me.  I can go to Mr. Hottie or AG, and have awesome sweaty sex.  I can go see Medic and drape myself all over him.  But give me someone I have an interest in dating and getting to know, and I am like a deer in headlights.  I think I am afraid of being back in a dark place, one I never want to go to again.  I’m afraid of being hurt, emotionally and physically.

I am aware I have hang-ups.  And the last thing I want to happen is me sabotaging something that could be GREAT.  That is why I am womaning up.  I am going on this date, and I am going to take it one day at a time.  And I think very soon I may have to have a talk with him.  I don’t want him thinking that he is the problem, when in fact it is me and my past.  Sigh.

Much love, Esme