I Am Still Around

1 May

I have not been kidnapped by aliens. I have not won the lottery and ran away to Paris-I’d still blog about that shit! But I have been sidelined. sigh.

Once I started strength training at physical therapy, my shoulder became inflamed. Like back-on-pain-meds inflamed. Vomiting-where-I-stand inflamed. Capiche? Horri-fucking-ble inflamed Enough with dashes.

So I made an appointment with my surgeon, and I have once again been taken off all activity until further notice. I’ve already been sidelined since last July, and now this??? This just put back my recovery for at least another month. Where I was looking forward to working late July or early August, I now have no idea when I will be better. I’m guessing PT will probably have to start pretty much over. AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH.

So what do I mean when I say all activity? No PT. No computer (this post is taking me forever to write on my phone, by the way. This is how much I love you.) No running, hiking, long walks. No rearranging my furniture. No Loverboy pushing me into a wall with my hands pinned above my head. No zombie 5k run/obstacle course. No laser tag. No bowling. No billiards. No swimming. Really, this list is extremely long. But you get the gist. I’m basically back on surgeon-imposed house arrest.

Loverboy, being the awesome person he is, has done his best to lift me out of my funk. I cried when the surgeon told me I had to stop doing things. I stayed in my house for two days, not taking phone calls, not communicating via Facebook. I’m not one to get depressed. I don’t think there is any point and purpose to it. Life punches, roll with it, adapt and overcome. But damn if I didn’t spiral into helplessness. And anyone who has been there, which is everyone at one time or another, knows the littlest things can make it worse. Loverboy had to cancel plans one night-oh Lordy, he wants to break up with me! My mom called to tell me my birthday present will be late-I knew my mom doesn’t love me! You know how it goes…

But I feel 99% better. In short, I’m just pissed at the setback.

Loverboy and I are still doing really well. He has recently starting opening up about his marriage, the helplessness and fear he felt following his divorce. His problems putting faith in people, even me. Yesterday, he talked for an hour straight. I just listened. I asked no questions, and offered no advice. When he was finished, I thanked him for telling his story. He gave me a better insight to him and his thought process.

Then, after that convo, we had one about M. M, you ask? Why would you talk about him?? Why indeed?

Because once again, he resurfaced. Mother-to-the-fucker.

I haven’t heard from this duchero for five or so weeks. Since a while before I actually wrote about it. Then the other day, while I was watching a Maury about cheating douchebags ironically enough, my phone chirps:
M: Are you still with old boy?
E: Are you still getting married?
M: LOL. Come over.

Fucking excuse me??

What followed in the next four hours was text after text of I miss yous and I need to hold yous and please just come see mes. I ignored a majority of the texts, only reiterating every so often that I wasn’t coming over.

My phone rang, and I saw M’s name on the screen. I almost ignored it, but I answered. Not nicely.

He told me everything he had been texting. Come over, I just want to lay with you, no sex, I just need this right now, etc etc etc. I told him that I will definitely not come over. That he needs to leave me alone before I contact his fiancée. That I no longer will jump when he calls. That he no longer is the one I will drop everything for.

M: Esme, please. I actually really need to talk to you. I have things I want to say.
E: So talk.
M: In person.
E: Then I will meet you at The Bar in an hour. I will give you thirty minutes.
M: No, at my house.
E: Do you think I’m on drugs? No way in fuck am I meeting you somewhere private.
M: I said no sex.
E: I wouldn’t put it past you to rape me.
M: Please.
E: NO!!

I told him again to leave me alone. That’s when my heart stopped-I heard the unmistakable sound of a car starting. When I stopped talking, M asked me if I was home. I told him no (I was). He said he didn’t believe me, and he was on his way. I told him no, then hung up the phone.

I called Loverboy in a panic. I think he could actually feel the fear in my voice. He told me to calm down, and go to his house for a little bit. So I did.

About a half hour later I got what I am hoping to be the last text ever. Fine. Goodbye.

What the hell happened here? Since when does the guy who claims he never chases, become a stalker? Why can’t he leave me the fuck alone? We tried dating twice. And both times he fucked it up. His loss is not my problem. Damn, did I dodge one hell of a bullet. And I got something so much better in return.

Needless to say, this recent turn of events has caused Loverboy to tell me that he worries about me. Worries that I will get taken advantage of (in more ways than one). That really made me wonder about my choice in past men. Yeah…I didn’t always make the best choices…

Love, Esme.


5 Responses to “I Am Still Around”

  1. My Dating Hangovers May 3, 2012 at 12:02 am #

    Um… I’m going to need you to type of mini segments if you’re going to be away so long. You packed sooooo much in one post, I don’t know where to start.

    Maybe with Loverboy, by reiterating how understanding and amazingly supportive this man is. While I like that you’ve opened up so much to him instead of dealing with the craziness, I’m wondering if the episode with M should have been shared.

    Speaking of M, don’t you hate how these assholes keep coming back like a bad case of ezcema??? Why can’t they just STAY away? It’s scary because it seems like when you’ve reached that moment of “I’m really over that one”, they call or text without fail. Wish I could say you wont but sorry toots, you haven’t heard the last of that one. When he recovers from what ever ” I really don’t want to marry her” episode, he’ll calm down then bug you again.

    Dodging a bullet is right! Be thankful that he was so shitty!

    Take care of that arm and hey – when are you coming to visit your family??

    • Esme May 4, 2012 at 8:43 am #

      I know, I should have done sections I, II, and III. It was a lot of info in one sitting!

      I told Loverboy about M for several reasons. 1: For a small amount of time, I was terrified he would show up at my door. And even with two good shoulders, I could never fight him off. And 2: I promised to not hide it anymore. So I kept good on my promise. Plus, I wanted him to know. Christ, I’m turning into such a girl.

      As for visiting the family, your guess is as good as mine. I go back to the surgeon on Monday, and if all goes well I will be released to PT. Three days a week, evenly spread out to minimize muscle and tissue damage (kind of ruins my week for me!). An educated guess is the end of summer.

  2. Nikki B May 4, 2012 at 7:16 am #


    You should probably just have his number blocked or something… but augh! as if you want this to downward-spiral on you… Well. Here’s hoping he really will go away. I mean FUUUUUUCKKK how many chances did he have? And now you have something awesome and he wants to fuck it up?

    All that said – don’t put this on yourself and question your choices in men. Yes, sure, you missed warning signs or ignored red flags, but that never excuses abuse or stalking. Ugh!

    • My Dating Hangovers May 4, 2012 at 8:30 am #

      That’s right Niki – a block is in order. E, you need to program him in your phone as a NOPE. Don’t delete, just put that in so no matter when he calls or texts, you ignore his ass!

    • Esme May 4, 2012 at 8:45 am #

      I looked into blocking his number, and my freaking carrier charges you MONTHLY for it! WTF is that?? So I’m changing his name to Duchero of the Universe. Seriously, he had his ‘chances’. Leave me the fuck alone.

Speak your peace

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: