What Happened When I Said ‘IT’.

5 Apr

I finally said it. The ‘L’ word. I didn’t get quite the response I expected.

After an especially emotional lovemaking session, we were laying entangled in each others arms. I couldn’t hold it in anymore, so I blurted it out. Not very slick.

Loverboy stopped kissing my neck and said ‘what?’

I took a deep breath and repeated myself.

I love you. I do.

Loverboy smiled at me, a million dollar smile that I wish you could capture on film. Wow, he said. Wow.

Loverboy looked into my eyes for a long time, then fell asleep.

He never said it back, or has even acknowledged I said it since. He once told me that he never told his ex that he loved her, as he feels actions speak louder than worlds. But then again, he also said he never loved his ex. I think if I keep trying to probe his mind, I will go crazy.

So I said it, and I don’t regret it, because I do.

Right before he fell asleep, Loverboy told me that he wanted to take me to a ‘very nice dinner’ the following day. Turns out, he wound up sick the following day, and now I’m sick. So there hasn’t been much chance to talk about anything.

I’m not going to say it again. But now he can never say he doesn’t know how I feel. And in all honesty, I don’t want to hear it unless he 100% means it. This has been a learning journey for the both of us, and we are definitely learning as we go.

Love, Esme

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