All In A Nights Discussion

19 Dec

A few things happened with Loverboy the last couple of nights that have me thinking.

The other evening he was out shopping for Christmas, and his car wouldn’t start.  Loverboy called me and asked if I could come rescue him.  As I was driving to pick him up, I was shaking a little bit.  Why, you ask?  Prior experience.  When my ex-husband was stressed, when things weren’t going the way he planned, he would take it out on me.  Call me names, throw things at me, take his aggression out on me.  It was never fun, obvi.  So I was worried at how Loverboy would react.  And I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a part of it.

When I pulled into the lot, across from his car, a big smile was on his face.  He gave me a big hug, and thanked me for coming out to help him.  He tried starting his car a few more times.  I could tell he was frustrated, but none of that frustration turned on me.  NONE.  I asked if I could make a suggestion, and he told me of course, E.  Why would you even ask?  I told him we should jump his car, and go from there.  We did, and it worked.  Loverboy gave me a big kiss and told me I was his hero.

The next morning I took him to the auto store to buy a new battery.  On the drive there, I thanked him.  I thanked him for not getting mad at me, for not yelling at me, and for not blaming me.  E, only a child would have blamed you for that.  The battery dying is in no way your fault.  I stayed quiet, not really trusting myself to talk.  Let me guess, a certain someone would have acted that way.  I nodded, and thanked him again.  Then I changed the subject.

I was telling Will about the experience.  When I finished my story, Will shook his head and said: It’s really sad that I need to tell you this, Esme, but the way Loverboy acted was NORMAL.  Normal.  100% absolutely normal.

Huh, go figure.

I spent the following night with Loverboy.  In the quiet dawn of the morning, a morning after some glorious amazing sex, he said You know, you come across as this super nice person.  I lifted my head off his chest and cocked my eyebrow at him.  Wait, wait…let me figure out how I want to word this before I continue.  Yes…why don’t you just take a minute there and figure that one out.

L: You are this amazingly sweet person.  You are great to me!  But I have to admit that I was nervous to have sex with you.
E: What?  Why would you be nervous?
L: Well, in my experience, the super nice girls are the ones who generally don’t enjoy sex.  Lights have to be off, they just want it done and over with.  Don’t touch me there, that hurts, no I don’t want to do doggy-style kind of sex.
E: Is that why you keep your eyes closed a lot during sex?
L: Yes.  Nothing really to see.  Anyways, I was worried you were going to be one of those people.  Imagine my surprise when you are yelling out things like ‘Pull my hair’, ‘Smack my ass’, and ‘Harder, faster!’
E: *laughing* Well, what is the point of having sex if you aren’t going to enjoy it?  I’m not a prude, I enjoy having sex, and I really enjoy it with you.  I won’t ever hide that fact.
L: No, never do that!
E: Now let me tell you…no more keeping your eyes closed during sex.  I am a very visual person and I like to watch.  And I want you to watch me.
L: Are you serious?
E: Absolutely.  And feel free to bend me over the bathroom sink so I can watch that, too.
L: I think you may be perfect.

Let me tell you…I didn’t think sex could get any better with him…and was I wrong!

Later that day, as I was getting ready to leave, Loverboy showed an insecurity.

L: I’m waiting for you to realize that I am not good enough for you.
E: Why would I ever think that?
L: You have a college degree.  You went back to school and became a firefighter/paramedic.  You talk about things that I know nothing about.  You are smarter and better than I will ever be.
E: Oh, Loverboy…my college degree got me nowhere.  I have never used it!  I’m currently not working because I am still waiting for shoulder surgery.  I hurt myself bartending for crying out loud.  But you…you were dealt with kind of a shitty hand when you were a teenager.  Instead of running away, you manned up and took responsibility for your actions.  You proved you were a good man!  You know more about politics then I could ever hope to know.  We have very intellectual conversations.  I don’t ever want you to feel that you aren’t good enough.  EVER.  And if I ever make you feel that way, you need to call me on it.  Because it is not intentional.
L: I guess so.  I guess you are right.

I am not quite sure on how to take that last conversation.  He constantly tells me how good I am to him.  I tell him I treat others the way they treat me, so if I am good to him it’s because he is good to me (I don’t think I could use the word good any more times in one sentence!).  I hope he can let go of this insecurity…I can only imagine what kind of problems this could cause.

Love, Esme

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4 Responses to “All In A Nights Discussion”

  1. thoughtsappear December 19, 2011 at 5:32 pm #

    “I could tell he was frustrated, but none of that frustration turned on me.” My ex blamed everything on me. Everything was my fault.

    When Kiefer gets frustrated, sometimes I catch myself holding my breath because I’m just waiting for him to turn on me. He never does. I wonder if that feeling will ever go away.

    • Esme December 19, 2011 at 5:45 pm #

      I don’t know of it will ever go away. I don’t think it will. Does Keifer realize you do that? Does he ever say anything about it? I wonder how long Loverboy will deal with me physically flinching when I think he might be mad…

  2. Nikki B December 19, 2011 at 6:42 pm #

    Want my take-away from this?

    Yay. Yay yay yay.

    Why? Because there is SO much honesty between you and L! You have shared your insecurities with one another *without* making them a crutch or something you expect the other person to fix for you. You don’t make them the center of attention, but you are BOTH comfortable enough to talk about them together.

    Now. Think of it this way: You want to let go of your knee-jerk reaction that he’s going to flip on you (when, duh, Will is right – he’s being NORMAL), and he’s worried that you will walk away. You know you won’t – and you want him to believe that. HE wants you to know HE is not your ex.

    You can both help one another get past these things – keep sharing, but also be open to allow the other to help you. Believe them when they tell you something good, because you want them to believe you when you tell them the same. Right? Right. 😀

    • Esme December 20, 2011 at 7:37 pm #

      Truer words never spoken, Nikki!
      I’m working very hard on maintaining that open line of communication, and I think he is as well. Neither of us consider this a fling, and we want to work on things as they arise. Only way to do that is to be honest and open 🙂

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