I Hate These Thoughts…

4 Dec

OK, it is that time of relationship again…time for Esme’s ramblings.  And, of course, this comes in light of something happening with the ex-husband.

My ex managed to fork over a fuckton of money for a new lawyer.  Yes, his parents hate me oh so much that I am sure they plopped down five figures to fight little ol’ me.  The date of my protective order hearing has been moved up to this week, and I am frantically working on my defense (I just needed a break!  Lawyer jargon has me cross-eyed!)

I told Loverboy a very small amount of what happened.  Just that the ex got a lawyer and moved up the case.  His response was He’ll need ten lawyers if he is going to beat you!  Sweet sentiment.  But I am really starting to wonder what I may have gotten Loverboy into.  And if it is fair.

My ex has run off a fair share of my dates.  In all honesty, there was never anyone worth continuing to date.  So as much as my ex has irritated me in that regard, it hasn’t royally pissed me off.  But this time, it WILL if it happens.

I haven’t been very forthcoming about my abusive marriage, which I have stated before.  Loverboy knows he was not nice, but that is the extent of it.  He hasn’t asked, and I have not offered.  A majority of the reason I have not is because I haven’t wanted to scare him or run him off.  Because as much of a problem I have had with the ex during my marriage, post-marriage has been a lot worse.  Harassment, veiled threats of violence, threatening to hide the kids…it’s all just bad.  These days it takes a lot for the ex to make me crazy.  It takes a lot for him to piss me off to the point where I see red.  It just takes a lot to get me riled where he is concerned.  Which is good and bad…good I am finally becoming accustomed to it, and bad for the same reason.  So when it comes to sharing, I just don’t feel the need to because I don’t often let it affect me.  But the problem is-when it does, it does badly.  And it is noticed by everyone.  I just don’t want to have to warn him of that possibility.

I also hesitate to share because this is my problem, not his.  I am the one that made the regrettable decision to marry him.  I am the one that has had to deal with the fall-out.  I am the one that has this cross to bear, so to speak.  And I am afraid to share that burden.  It is such a heavy burden.  I feel like it would be really unfair to make him take that on.

What guy would actually knowingly stick around with all of this drama surrounding me?  Honestly, I think it would be safer for him to turn and run.  I HATE drama.  I try very hard to get it out of my life…no more Sunday, the order of protection so I don’t have to deal with the ex, etc.  I kick drama to the curb just like I do trash on Monday.  But the ex keeps bringing it back.  Keeps depositing it on my doorstep.  And I just can’t completely get rid of it because of this damn judicial system!!

So I am scared.  I’m scared one day I will share and Loverboy will tell me it’s just too much to handle.  I’m scared to not share in case he is upset that I didn’t trust in him enough.  I’m scared that the ex will find out about Loverboy and cause so much havoc that Loverboy will have no choice but to walk away from me.  I’m scared that I am pulling him into this never-ending web of lies, deceit, abuse and unknown.  I don’t feel like it is fair.  But I also don’t feel like life is being fair to me!  I meet this great guy, who wants to get to know me, who wants to be around me, and fucking drama in the form of my ex starts pulling shit again.

I am really trying to not let life cause any problems with this.  When I see Loverboy, I try to forget about the drama, about the bad.  I focus on him, on us.  I smile, I laugh, and I try to be in the here and now.  And I need that.  But at the end of the day, I can’t help but feeling like I am being unfair to him.

He wants to go with me to my OP hearing, and I said no.  The last thing I want is for him to listen to my ex-in-laws badmouth me for three hours.

Am I being unfair?  Is it right for me to date Loverboy knowing what I am going to be facing for the forseeable future?  What if I really like him?  The ex and I have not been an item for SO LONG…why can’t he just leave me alone?  WHEN IS IT MY FUCKING TURN FOR SOME EASY-BREEZY??

Love, Esme

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8 Responses to “I Hate These Thoughts…”

  1. My Dating Hangovers December 4, 2011 at 11:41 pm #

    Interesting- I just (literally) posted something and mentioned a friend of mine who just recently started dating a really nice guy. After their great converations and a great date, he hits her with some deep stuff about a family members drug problems resurfacing etc… I told her to leave him alone, it was his deal and he had no business trying to date knowing he was caretaker for someone with some major issues that would affect his daily life so drastically.

    Now I come read this and feel bad.

    Your situation seems like a reoccurring nightmare. I don’t know what demons your ex has on speed dial, but he sounds like the type of nut case who will never leave you alone unless you relent and give him what he wants. Tragic.

    Stop blaming yourself. Seriously.

    Esme, you met someone and fell in love. Period.

    I do, however appreciate that you care about Loverboy to the extent that you’re trying to consider what would be dair to him. He’s told you on several imstances that he’s willing to stay the course so that tells me he;s the type of person who refuses to abandon another simply because of a little strife in life.

    Be careful though. If he’s this gung ho about being there for you, offering to go to hearings etc.. Loverboy may not take it very well if you keep trying to push him away.

    • Esme December 5, 2011 at 8:09 pm #

      I read your post, and I definitely understand what causes a friend to tell another to ditch the dude/chick that has issues. I am SO WORRIED that Loverboy’s family would say the exact same thing you and I would. I can only imagine…
      ‘Hey mom, I met this really great girl! The only problem is, her ex-husband is abusive to the point where she has to file an OP against him.’
      ‘Well son…that is drama you just don’t want to be a part of. Let her go.’
      And all because I married a duchero that can’t understand social norms. So is it really fair for us to judge another due to their family problems? In some cases I say sure. But in others, where said person has NO CONTROL over what is going on in their life? I’ve really begun to second guess all the judgments I’ve ever made.
      And for just a minute I’m going to lay face down on the floor and kick and scream that LIFE ISN’T FAIR! I mean, really, its been three years. I should be allowed to go out with a great guy without my ex-duchero causing problems!
      *5 year old hissy fit over*

      • My Dating Hangovers December 6, 2011 at 10:16 am #

        I hear you loud and clear on all of these concerns and yes- the scenarios listed above may be correct.

        How about this- ask him “how much do you want to know?”

        Again, it is highly likely you have yourself a good one who wants to be your hero and protector.

        The decision you need to make is if you want him to.

        • Esme December 6, 2011 at 10:49 am #

          We had a small convo last night about somethings. I’m trying to give enough information to appease him without saying too much as to make him run. I feel like talking about my ex would make any sane man run. Last night when I was trying to explain somethings, he just kept saying he doesn’t get it, doesn’t understand. He had a hard time understanding that I got screwed over in my divorce.
          My story, honestly, is hard to believe. It is. It is dumbfounding at how incredibly fucked I got because I had a horrible divorce attorney. I wonder if he thinks I have this deep dark secret.
          I’m rambling again. Maybe you are right, C. Maybe I should sit down with him and tell him I will answer any questions that he has. I don’t know.

  2. DressySJP December 6, 2011 at 1:40 pm #

    What a mess, I’m so sorry! I guess the best thing to remember is that for the right guy, all these stresses and issues will just be stepping stone in a great long relationship! If he’s worth it, he’ll stick with you. 🙂 Be confident, and try to open up about those fears too- it will shed light on the job he’s got to do during this difficult time: support you! 🙂 Good luck, I will be rooting for you

    • Esme December 6, 2011 at 4:03 pm #

      Sarah, this is just stressful! I have a much easier time dating when the guys are ducheros. I think I need to stop worrying about running him off, and just live in the moment. Maybe I’m overthinking it?

  3. Nikki B December 6, 2011 at 6:46 pm #

    My honest opinion? Keep him out of it for now. I agree that it is too early to have him wrapped up in this – down the road, when things are raaaaalll serious (with him, not your shit), then he needs to be a part of all of your life. For now? You guys don’t need the drama.

    I think you *can* keep him out of it. Don’t share, if you can help it – lean on your girlfriends for that instead. Explain to him that it’s a part of your life you’d like to fix, but that you can’t have in this new thing because it’s too heavy. It just is. Think of it as a need-to-know situation.

    Don’t worry so much about him bailing. Allow him space *if* he needs it, and tell him you might need space to deal with things too. It’s actually kind of a nice litmus test – do you guys trust each other enough to allow there to be space, to keep this from consuming your new relationship? I think so… and if so? Awesomesauce. Right?

    • Esme December 6, 2011 at 9:41 pm #

      Ask five girls a queston, get five different answers. But that’s why I like having this blog…it offers so many different options I never thought of! It gives me so many things to think about.
      As much as I would love to tell him everything, there is something holding me back. Maybe it is because its too heavy to bring into something new. I keep going back to my original thought process of how I just really need the nice escape I get when I am with him.
      I think what I am going to do is give it a few more weeks. I haven’t hid the fact my ex can be dangerous, just because it affects him. Loverboy has not once asked a specific question like ‘What the hell happened to you?’ And I think if he really wanted to know, he would find a way to ask.
      As you can see by all of my responses, I go back and forth with what I want to do. Since I can’t make a solid, sound decision, no decision will be made as of yet. Definitely not something that should be made off the cuff.

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