The Questions People Ask Google II

3 Dec

How can I impress a girl I just met and fuck her in the same day?  I am just going to take a big guess and say you are a wanna-be douchero.  Because if you were an actual duchero, you would already know how to do this.  But let me answer this question the best way I can: You either need to be an incredibly smooth talker, and make her believe your empty promises, or you need to meet a woman who is just down to fuck.  OR-and I’m just going to say it-you can be sincere and honest.  And one day you will meet a women who you love and will knock your fucking socks off in the bedroom.  Or kitchen.  Or stairs.  You see where I am going with this.

Why do I love fucking my ex-husband?  Probably the same reason why I loved fucking my ex-boyfriend.  It’s familiar, he knows just what you like, and it takes absolutely no thought.

Do I send an apology for drunk texting?  I do.  Seriously, I do.  Being drunk isn’t a be-all-end-all excuse, but your behavior following can set the tone.

I love basketball because? You get a question to ask Google, and this is the question??  I don’t know why the fuck you love basketball.  I can’t even get into it, and I love sports.  They guys aren’t good to look at.  And there is nothing to ogle when they wear those uniforms.  Try football.

How do I approach the next date after I’ve been stood up?  I truly hope you aren’t referring to the same person.  Because you don’t, is the short answer.  Unless his mom/kid/sister is in the hospital unexpectedly, there is NO REASON to get stood up.  ESPECIALLY in today’s technology-heavy world.  Do yourself a favor boy/girlfriend, and move on to someone else.  If you mean just in general, not every man/girl is a dick/bitch.  Each date deserves its own chance.

He thanked me for staying over?  It’s better then him handing you cab fare and telling you to leave.

I’m a drug addict and I falsely accused a workman of stealing my pain medication so I could call my doctor’s office and get more.  Not cool, dude/dudette.  As someone who has been on the flip-side of that coin (a friend stole my meds), that pisses me off.  BUT, I do realize it’s an addiction, and addiction is a disease.  Since you are able to admit you have a problem, take the next step and ask for help. I’m positive you will be happy that you did.

I shit on my girlfriend while having sex.  Now what?  Ah-hahahahahahahaha!!!  *deep breath*  Hahahahahaha!!  Is this for real?  Oh man…diamonds, diamonds, trip to Paris, and more diamonds.  But chances are you won’t be pounding the pussy anymore.  *wipes tears away*

What song do I dedicate to my ex-husband?  Not knowing what the status of your relationship is, this is a hard question to answer.  I like Jaron’s I’ll Pray for You.  Great tale of how he wishes her physical harm.

How can I get laid at college frat parties?  I can’t tell if this is a male or female question.  But as someone who went to college, and was Greek (A-Phi shout-out!),  I can tell you with 100% accuracy that getting laid at a frat party is not hard.  AT ALL.  If you find it even the teeniest difficult, get drunk (but not overly) and hang out until the end of the party.  You will get laid.  Oh yes…you will get laid.  You just can’t be picky.

I didn’t belong until he came into my life.  Oh honey…a relationship will never last if you aren’t comfortable with who you are in your life.  It just won’t.  A man should not give you a sense of belonging.  That makes you needy, and no one wants a needy girl.  No one else can make you hapy, or give you that sense of belonging.  You have to give that to yourself.

Lastly, there are so many questions about hurting yourself.  Please please please get help for this.  Destructive behavior is not OK.  Don’t suffer alone, and don’t suffer in silence.  Tell someone who can help!!

And for real lastly-enough with the drunk texting questions!  Just leave the damn phone at home!!!  Or, if you can’t, have one guy you designate as your DT recipient.  I’m totally guilty of DT’ing, and I have even managed to stop.  If you KEEP doing it, it means you WANT to do it.  Simple as that.

Love, Esme

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2 Responses to “The Questions People Ask Google II”

  1. KayDee December 4, 2011 at 8:54 am #

    Oh yeahhh…I have missed YOU!!!! Soooooo, I read here that you’re every bit as amazing as EVER!! Can’t wait to fully chatch up on the haps here! xoxo

    • Esme December 4, 2011 at 1:14 pm #

      How are you, girlfriend??? I’m glad you are alive!! Can’t wait to catch up!

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