A Daily Struggle

14 Nov

There are days I really struggle with some things.  Lately this is the thought I was worried about:

I feel like I will be forever paying for the mistake I made marrying my ex.

Wow, that was kind of hard to type!

I don’t regret things in my life.  A lot of the bad things have wound up bringing me a lot of good.  For example?  I have two amazing boys.  I learned to stand up for myself (again).  I learned how to overcome oh so many obstacles.  I can now laugh at myself and at my world.  I don’t sacrifice who I am anymore.  I try hard to let go of the negativity in my life, whether they are people or things.

But I have also learned:

When someone asks about my marriage, or why I am divorced, they don’t like my truth.  Most run.  Most don’t like the fact that I am independent.  Most want you to need them, and I just don’t.  (Want vs. Need.  I don’t need, but I would like.)  Most don’t like that I am unwilling to change or concede certain things.

Because I found myself in such an extreme with the ex, I loathe to do anything that may remotely resemble anything that makes me feel like I am going back there again.  Sometimes I over-react, and sometimes I am spot-on.  I would rather over-react then go back to where I was.

But back to my original thought.  I do worry about that.  Did I have my one shot at happy-ever-after, and I just messed it up by choosing the wrong man?  Do women get second chances when it comes to love?  Is love and marriage a one-time deal?  Does a man exist who can deal with me, my quirks, and my past?

Did I just seriously fuck up my life by a decision I made at the age of 21?

I like to think not, but my experiences with men continually prove me wrong…

Love, Esme

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5 Responses to “A Daily Struggle”

  1. My Dating Hangovers November 14, 2011 at 11:55 pm #

    Esme, he was the wrong man – period. You’re certainly not alone though many will not openly admit that our past (negative) experiences taint our future interactions with new people.

    The fact that you have two wonderful beings to shine a lighter side to the fact that your ex was satan’s spawn is a good thing, but still, it’s hard accepting the truth that because of your beautiful children, you’ll be tied to that man somehow.

    I am so tired of giving so much thought, time and effort towards the quest for companionship. I sometimes wish I was like the many bitter women out there who just said fuck men and fuck love. A part of me feels sorry for anyone who figures not putting in work to find someone to share their life with is pathetic but at the same time, that process is one less stress or in life.

    I imagine something triggered this thought. Some dealing with the ex or maybe the back to back losers you subjected yourself to in hopes of taking your mind off things.

    To answer the question you asked rhetorically, yes- a man does exist who can tolerate you and your quirks and tame the dragon and no- you didn’t fuck up your life because you were in love (or thought you were) at an early age.

    I think for strong-willed, want (not need) based women like you and I, it may take a little while longer.

    I forecasted my happy times with a man to surface around 47. 🙂

    • Esme November 16, 2011 at 3:46 pm #

      47?? Good Lord girlfriend…I hope to have found someone by 45, the latest 🙂
      I’m definitely not needing a relationship. I’m not even sure if I am actually looking, but more of testing the waters. And I’m not digging what I am seeing so far. I can tell you this…I may not know what I want, but I definitely know what I DON’T want. And I think sometimes that is WAY more important.

  2. Leaza in Denver November 15, 2011 at 1:58 am #

    I can somewhat relate. I have an “ex husband” too. Please remember though…we all get second chances. And we are “who we are”..based on the good and bad experiences of our past. Think of all the lessons you have learned. 🙂 Open your heart…. That way the door will be open to accept someone else’s true love someday.

    • Esme November 16, 2011 at 3:43 pm #

      Thanks Leaza 🙂

      I think my biggest issue is trust-not trust as in I think someone will cheat on me, but trusting myself enough to let someone in. Its never gone to well for me! But I think since I am unwilling to let it happen yet, means I have not met someone worth letting in yet. I welcome the second chance if it comes my way, though!

  3. Nikki B November 16, 2011 at 11:09 pm #

    I can understand how you feel – I mean, as much as I can without being you or being even a relationship person – but listen to what these other lovely ladies are saying.

    Don’t let the past define who you are, aside from the lessons you CHOOSE to take with you. The growth you CHOOSE to do.

    Esme, I think you are strong and honest and genuine. It’s not you, mah dear.

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