Definition of Douche Dumpster

30 Oct

n.-A man-boy who is unaware of how to act in any given situation.  A douche that needs a bigger container to contain all of his huge douchiness.  Example-This guy is the biggest douche dumpster for his actions last night.

See where this is going?

So I haven’t been on a date in a couple of weeks.  Had a few things on my plate.  However, I have maintained the internet dating profile on the off-chance I meet someone worth giving a shot.  This douche dumpster sounded good-in theory.  But he quickly slid down a steep slope.

Douche (I’m starting to feel like an episode of South Park) and I wrote back and forth for a few days before he asked me for my number.  I am always so hesitant to give out that information, but what the hell.  He seemed really nice.  Now keep in mind, this was only two days ago.

Last night around midnight, Douche started texting me.  I told him I am going to bed.  Here is what follows…text verbatim.

D: So how long are we going to be text buddies without talking?
E: Good question 🙂 tomorrow evening works well for me.
D: You have a timeline?  Is this the movie Swingers?
E: No timeline.  I’m going to bed, and I am busy most of the day tomorrow.
D: I meant talking on the phone.  Like tonight.  Weirdo.
E: Got it.  I’m going to bed, and I am busy tomorrow day.
D: (12:08am) There should be a team called excuses so you could wear their jersey.
D: (2:48am) I gotta tell you Alpha Douche is pretty pissed.  I might have gone to war but I was still in ROTC for my first year of college.  I’ve been an officer since 02.
D: (2:49am) 327th Battalion.  Airborne Ranger, and I’m a fucking officer.
D: (2:49am) You have something to hide.
D: (2:50am) Why would I think an M4 was an MP5? (He is referring to the picture I have where I am shooting the rifle).
D: (2:51am) An MP5 uses a handgun .45 acp.
D: (2:51am) You were firing .223.
3:33am-phone call.
3:57am-phone call, with a 1.5 minute message, where he accuses me of being a guy instead of a girl.
5:08am-phone call.
5:34am-phone call.

After the text messages, I turned my phone on silent, so I was not aware of the phone calls until I woke up this morning.  Stalker much?!?  I was going to ignore the texts, but I decided to send a response this morning.  For your reading pleasure…

E: 1. ‘Alpha Douche’ is a dick.  Glad I got to meet him.  2. I most definitely am not a guy.  3. I was firing an M4A1 with a 10 inch barrel instead of the standard 14.5.  Since you are an officer, I am sure you know what special force that gun is made for.  4. I was firing 5.56mm NATO rounds, not .223.  5. I could give a shit that you are an officer if you don’t act like one.  Lose my number.  If I get any further contact from you, I will consider it harassment and file a police report immediately.  Your move.

So far, no response.  If he knows what is good for him, he won’t.  I have every intention of following through with my threat.

But I would like to thank Douche for reaffirming why I love being single.  I am going to stick with awesome sex with Medic for the time being  😉

Much love, Esme

I feel like this applies to my dating life as well…

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3 Responses to “Definition of Douche Dumpster”

  1. j October 30, 2011 at 11:43 am #

    Um wow. I love love love your response though!

  2. My Dating Hangovers October 30, 2011 at 12:48 pm #

    You can’t be serious??? That crazt bastard sounds like my mini phone stalker from months back. Before we could even meet, his 51/50 mannerisms came out via text.

    Ugh.

    I know you exchanged numbers, but hopefully you only told him the vicinity of the city you lived in. Make sure you block his crazy ass online as well.

    • Esme October 30, 2011 at 5:36 pm #

      Oh hell no, I never let anyone know where I live! Its one of my cardinal rules.

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