Oh Boy…

19 Oct

OK, so notwithstanding the Year of Esme…I saw M.

But wait!!!  It’s not what you think!!  With hold judgment for just a second…

I got a random text message from him yesterday afternoon.

M: I’m home now.
E: OK.
M: I need you to bring your truck to me.
E: NO.  (I was dead against going.  M and I had some conversations, that I alluded to, that were not good.)
M: It has a recall.
E: How bad of a recall?
M: Tire fall off kind of recall.  3 minutes then done.
E: Fine (everyone knows when a girl says fine…it’s anything but fine!)

So I finished what I was doing, and made the drive out to his place.  I got out of my truck, he fixed what was needed, and he was done.  We did not exchange words, we did not hug, we did no communicating what-so-ever.

E: Thanks, M.  Have a great day. (I said this as I was climbing into my truck).
M: *mumble mumble mumble*
E: What did you say?
M: *mumble mumble mumble* (he was across his garage).

Well shit…I just HAVE to know what he is saying., because I’m that kind of person.  And he knows it.

E: What the fuck are you mumbling about?
M: How does someone do that??  (He is referencing an issue he is currently having with some whore from time past.  Not worth getting into.  And why does he feel the need to confess to me??)

We had a small discussion on the indifference and audacity of whores these days (I hope you all get the sarcasm there).  Then he turned to me and said:

M: I really cared for you.
E: Whatevs.  It’s done.  I’m sure I was nothing in the grand scheme of things.
M: You weren’t nothing.  I never said that.

Here was when I walked away.  I know he is a complete douchebag.  I know he does not have the ability to be faithful (although he swears up and down he was with me).  I know what he is like when no one is looking.  And realistically, I don’t want any part of it.  My heart is having a little bit of issue with that statement, however.  But I walked away because I didn’t want to do the whole bitchy emotional talk.

I opened the door to my truck when I just snapped.  FUCK.  THIS.  GUY.  I slammed the door and I stomped back into that garage.

E: You know what, M?  FUCK. YOU.  Fuck you.  You told me so many goddamned lies, promised me so many things.  You keep changing the reason why you ended it with me, when it was nothing but your own damned insecurities.  You are back with your fiancee, you are already banging some other girl, and you have what you consider ‘whore’ problems.  You need help, you really do.  You are such a DICK!  And I let myself get involved in it!  And to think I fell in love you.  I am so fucking stupid.  But I am so glad we had this discussion.
M: I never said you were stupid, Esme.  I didn’t.  And you aren’t.  I did think we had something.  But I can’t do feelings.  I just can’t.

M reached out for a hug, and I backed away.

E: Don’t touch me.  You are not allowed to touch me anymore.  (I took a deep breath and gathered my thoughts).  Here is the thing, M.  You frustrate the ever-loving shit out of me.
M: I frustrate you?  How do I frustrate you??
E: Really??  You want to discuss all the shit we have been through the last three years?  ALL OF IT??  (M shook his head no.)  You frustrate me.  But I am going to be honest here.  I care about you, and I worry about you.  I like talking to you, because usually you make me laugh and feel better.  And I truly think you are supposed to be in my life in some capacity.  But you will never touch me again.  And if you can’t agree to that, we can’t be friends.  How I feel for you is my issue, and my issue alone.  I never want any of this to be brought up again.
M: It’s all good.

It was at that point I walked away, and didn’t look back.

Amazingly though, I do feel better about the whole situation.  I once again got to see what kind of person he is, and how fortunate I am removed from it.  I was able to be honest while maintaining a strong baseline.  Never before have I been able to do that with him.  I finally said everything I wanted to say, and he sat and listened.  And I feel a hell of a lot better now that I yelled at him.

He truly does need help.  He is a sex addict.  He has no regard for women.  He is on a destructive path.  He swears up and down he never considered me a whore, or thought ill of me-and I told him I didn’t want to hear it, as his actions speak way louder then his words do.  And here is what surprises me the most-I’m OK if we never see each other again.  I really am.  If we can manage to rekindle the friendship, I will be glad.  But I will be just as glad if we never see each other again.

That is such a good place to be.

Love, Esme

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6 Responses to “Oh Boy…”

  1. j October 19, 2011 at 4:05 pm #

    I know someone that I need to have this sort of conversation with. Good for you for being strong.

    • Esme October 19, 2011 at 5:24 pm #

      Thank you! I really don’t think it was productive for ‘us’, especially since there is no ‘us’, but it was highly productive for ME. All that matters 🙂

  2. MyDatingHangovers October 19, 2011 at 10:07 pm #

    SEEKING: New mechanic, to fix things like safety recalls. Must be open to helping me out and not charging all the time, should be really single or really engaged and not fuck with hearts and emotions or use me as a sounding board for other drama you create in your life. Call 555-1212 for details.

    Damn Esme. That sounds like an emotionally frustrating, but liberating exchange. Bet that felt good really telling this man you love how badly he messed things up, all the things you would post here.

    Good for you.

    Like I mentioned, consider yourself so very fortunate that things went the way they did because M is in quite a pickle. He’s so damn confused, he probably can’t tell who he loves right now. Oh, and this new situation with the whore? Screw him for thinking you guys are so buddy that its’ okay for him to dump some more shit in your lap?

    Asshole.

    He is miserable! Absolutely and I would much rather have unanswered questions about how deep his feelings wee for you, why he did what he did when you two were together and why he decided it was okay to carry on with the fiancée, during and then the whore. He’s lost.

    I wish you luck in taking a M-cation. It’ll be hard but just like the situation with your friend, look at the drama he comes with and compare with the sanity doing without!

    Year of Esme!

    • Esme October 20, 2011 at 8:37 am #

      I know I meant what I said when I woke up this morning and said ‘fuck yes’.

      As I try to only date guys that benefit me in someway, i.e. mechanic, doctor, handyman, smart guy that may save the world one day…I now feel like I need to post a craigslist ad just like yours! But fuck it. I’m tired of his damn drama. Drama he brings unto himself. All he does its drag me down.

      Done.

  3. thoughtsappear October 20, 2011 at 7:25 am #

    I’m glad you told him off! And I’m glad you feel better. Can we have Year of Esme t-shirts made?

    • Esme October 20, 2011 at 8:38 am #

      I definitely feel better!

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