The Questions People Ask Google

15 Oct

Yesterday I was bored, and I was going through my site stats.  By far, the most interesting part of looking at the site history is the search terms people have used to get to me, whether on purpose or accident.

I know that when I get frustrated with something in my life, I will ask a question in my Google search bar.  Why are men assholes?  Why is my ex-husband such a douche dumpster?  Why do men think it’s OK to ask for a BJ on date one?  I’m guilty of it.  I do it, so it didn’t surprise me that others do it.

As I was reading through the ‘search questions’, I found myself answering them.  Some are funny, some are downright sad.  Since I like to tell it like it is, here you go.  Here is everything you should be told, without the sugar-coating.  I think I will make this a regular feature…

How do I stop drunk texting?  This is asked in so many different ways.  And I know I am guilty of this.  Read here.  The simple answer?  Leave the damn phone at home.  100% fail proof.

What do I do after drunk texting?/Drunk texting someone I like him.  What now?  A drunk woman’s words is a sober woman’s thoughts.  Own up to what you said.  ‘I was drunk’ is not a valid excuse.  What you did at least opens up lines of communication, if you let it.  Sit down and have a frank talk with him.

What is a hootchi-hoo?  Ah-hahahaha!!  That still makes me laugh.  It’s a vagina.  A snatch.  Any other slang you want to use.

Can Irish men be faithful?  I’d like to think so, even though personal experience has taught me otherwise.  But you can’t punish all with the actions of a few.

I love hurting myself/Why do I keep hurting myself?  The amount of searches for this question deeply alarms me.  And I’m not even sure why you are directed to me.  Hurting yourself (cutting/self-mutilation/etc.) is all about control.  The pain you cause yourself is one thing you have complete control over.  Some people mutilate, I change my hair color every couple of months.  We all have one thing we do to retain control of ourselves.  What you are doing, however, can be deadly.  It has severe consequences.  Please tell someone you trust so you can get help with a specialist.

What if two lovers get separated due to unwanted circumstances?  The simple answer is it’s not meant to be.  Relationships take give and take, and without knowing the whole story I can’t make a recommendation.  But if both aren’t willing to make certain sacrifices, then the relationship won’t last.  Unwanted circumstances or not.

How can I forget my past of violence?  You can’t.  Nor do you want to.  You are doomed to repeat history if you don’t remember and learn from it.  Take the experience, remember the feelings, and don’t go back there again.

My date is late.  Should I call him?  NO!!  If he is more than 15 minutes late, walk away.  And NEVER apologize for it.

Medically, how can I prove he kissed me?  Seriously?  This is a real question?  Guess you will find out when you get herpes.

Is tall, dark and handsome too much to ask for?  Yes.  Yes it is.

What shall me and Esme do today?  Aww…sweet for asking!  I’m staying in and having a lazy day.

I told my fuck buddy I hate him.  What now?  You said it for a reason.  Own what you said and take responsibility for it.  But realize it may be the end of the fuck-buddy-ness.

Will wearing glasses affect sex appeal?  Hell no!  There is a reason why men have librarian fantasies.

He told my friend our date was fucking romantic as fuck?  That’s hilarious.  I have no response but ‘fuck yes, it fucking was’.

Is two drinks on a date acceptable?  I say it’s the upper limit of acceptable.

How do I turn off my brain/switch it off during sex?  Find better sex.  Because I guarantee if you do, you will get so lost in the awesome feelings you will have no problem focusing.

What can I buy a gay man?  Classes on how to give the best BJ ever.

I’ve a boyfriend of 3 1/2 years but we don’t even have a chat when we together at his place.  He just lies in bed and I sit and then he asks for a kiss and…after the kiss he takes my clothes off.  He doesn’t even call me.  I wanna ask if he loves me or he just wants sex?  He just wants sex.  You really have to ask?  Three and a half years??  I’m guessing if you want to see him, you are doing all of the calling.  Not okay.  Your question also tells me you are ok with the situation at hand because you keep doing it.  Some thoughts:

  • Get the term ‘boyfriend’ out of your head, and start using ‘fuck-buddy’.
  • I am worried you are lacking on some self-esteem.  Find some, and you will realize that this is just shit.  Unless, of course, you are just using him for sex.
  • Stop going to his place/inviting him over.  Then you will see how much he tries to see you.  If he doesn’t, there is your answer.
This is fun!

I want more questions to answer.  If you ask I won’t reveal your identity…

Love, Esme



3 Responses to “The Questions People Ask Google”

  1. My Dating Hangovers October 16, 2011 at 4:49 pm #

    Genius!! Who thinks of this??

    Love the concept and think you should do it at LEAST once a week. Isn’t it amazing how you stumble on things when you’re bored? Now if only you could stumble on “the magic potion to making a relationship last” and patent that shit, I’ll be hooked for life!

    The “hurting myself”/self-mutilation question is just weird so I can’t even related but you’re right – what a crazy way for people to find your blog.

    Several – okay, many of the questions above I’ve either asked or secretly pondered but this one is the funniest and is actually something I’m guilty of having done this year with Good on Paper:

    “I told my fuck buddy I hate him. What now?”

    I’ll be going to the Ask Esme section with any future questions.

    Good stuff girl, thanks for sharing what your idle time brought to mind. =)

    • Esme October 16, 2011 at 7:04 pm #

      Thank you, thank you…

  2. DressySJP October 17, 2011 at 11:39 am #

    too funny, google search engines that come to my blog are hilarious. like, “i’m shallow and love dresses” or ” my ex boyfriend won’t call me back” haha 🙂 “douche dumpster..” wow lol

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