Music+Memories=Not Always A Good Time

20 Sep

This week hasn’t been a great one.  And the awesomeness of it was cumulated yesterday when I found out the my surgery has been postponed.  The surgery that took weeks to schedule.  Why was it postponed?  Because workman’s comp failed miserably at doing their job.  Absolutely fucking miserably.  Apparently there was particular paperwork to be filed, and my original adjuster dropped the ball.  So while she is being investigated, they have to re-investigate my claim.  So basically it has to start all over.  Fucking phenomenally awesome.  Am I the only one this shit happens to?  I just want to go back to work!!!!!

Now back to my originally scheduled post.

I am one of those people who puts music to memories.  I doubt I am the only one out there who does.  Music can make me feel happy, sad, enraged, content.  A certain song can open an absolute floodgate of memories and emotions.  Some are welcome, some are not.  A lot of time I will associate a memory with what is playing on my iPod when a particular event happens.  Sometimes a hear a song and I could have written it word for word based on an event that happened.  Sometimes there is no good reason as to why a song reminds me of something that has happened.  And I seem to like the word ‘happened’ today.

I was listening to my iPod when this song played:

I’ve posted this song in the past.  It reminds me word for word of M.  I cried for the first time over him in weeks.  And I think I needed it.  I have been asked out on a number of dates recently, and I have turned all of them down.  M still occupies too much of my heart.  I know that if I do date someone right now, I won’t give the date a fair shot.  I’ll just keep enjoying my Medic time thankyouverymuch.

The only other guy I ever cried over was Perfect.  We had a tumultuous relationship, which you can read about by clicking his tag.  The feelings I had in that relationship were exponentially worse than they should have been, given the fact it was the first relationship after my divorce.  I listened to this song to make me feel better:

But soon after, I was listening to this one:

When I finally am lucky enough to meet my Mr. Right, this is the song that will have to be sung to him (not by me, as I am a horrific singer.  But by someone else for me):

This next one I dedicate to my ex-husband.  If it weren’t for all of the shit he put me through, I wouldn’t be the person I am today:

This song reminds me of my grandmother:

I dedicate this song to all of the men that have dicked me over-LOVE IT.  Listen to the words, and you will see why:

Every time I hear this song it gets me in the mood for a little bit of Medic:

I fell in love with this song after watching Ladder 49 (which almost made me quit the academy!).  When I had to fill out the department ‘In case you die in the line of duty’ paperwork, I only had two requests: an all female honor guard and this song.  This song reminds me of the sacrifice of those before me (personally and professionally).  And it gives me solace that I am being watched over:

There are so many songs, so many memories.  I leave you with just one more.  So often I am told by well-meaning friends that if I just change a little I would have better luck with dating.  What they fail to realize is this-the last time I compromised myself, I wound up in an abusive marriage.  I will never again change anything.  I will never hide anything.  I very much love who I am.  I am perfect:

Much love,

Esme

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7 Responses to “Music+Memories=Not Always A Good Time”

  1. thoughtsappear September 21, 2011 at 7:47 am #

    Ugh…how frustrating! Do they have an idea of how much longer you’ll have to wait while they reinvestigate?

    • Esme September 21, 2011 at 8:17 am #

      I should know by next friday.

  2. Simm September 22, 2011 at 8:51 am #

    Ugh, frustrating is right, that sucks, I cannot believe you have to wait even longer. I like the idea of your music post, perhaps I’ll do one similar if ya don’t mnd!

    • Esme September 22, 2011 at 9:09 am #

      Not at all, go nuts!

  3. Nikki B September 22, 2011 at 9:16 pm #

    Looooove! I totally do the same thing – connect music to memories! I also absolutely use them to indulge my moods sometimes – be them happy or sad. I just *love* the song that fits your mood… you know?

    Hope you’re hangin’ in woman… remember: when it rains it pours, usually until it’s REALLY sure you refuse to drown.

    • Esme September 27, 2011 at 10:37 am #

      Haven’t drowned yet! Although I could use a life raft 🙂

  4. Constance September 27, 2011 at 10:11 am #

    “I will never hide anything. I very much love who I am. I am perfect:”

    WORD!

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