Oh The Pain.

29 Aug

Horrible, unimaginable pain.

  • I gave birth to two kids without epidurals.  That’s right, this bitch did it naturally (except for a small dose of narcotics with one).  I didn’t cry.
  • I had a skin graft procedure done, where the donor skin was taken from my thighs.  It hurt so bad I crumbled to the floor when I tried to walk.  I didn’t cry.
  • After one of my children I had to have an emergency procedure done in my uterus.  Pain meds had not kicked in.  I screamed once or twice, but I didn’t cry.

Two nights ago my shoulder popped out, yet again, but this time it did not relocate properly.  Not only did I scream, I cried.  I cried like a little bitch.  Horrible, gut-wrenching sobs for a pain I had never felt before.  I called my doctor.  I am not sure he understood one word I said, but he told me to go to the ED.

I tried calling everyone I knew.  My girl Sunday had taken a sleeping pill.  She was out.  Most of my friends are on the same firefighting schedule, and they were all at work.  And as a firefighter/paramedic, I just could not call an ambulance.  This just simply is not done.  (Fucking ree-tahrd-ed, right??  I can’t explain it.  You just don’t.)

I called my last resort.  M.  He tells me he still loves me, and now it was time to step up.  And I was incredibly desperate.  M, please.  I need to go to the hospital.  Please.  I can’t drive, and I have tried everyone else.

Response?  I’m tied up.

I whispered I hate you and hung up the phone.  I immediately received a text that said: I’m so sorry.

I never responded.

I pulled myself together the best I could, and I drove myself to the hospital.  My roommate met me there when he got off work.  (I have yet to introduce you to my roomie.  I don’t think his hetero status is guaranteed, so I will name him Will.  He actually calls me Grace.  *eyeroll*)

I spent four and a half hours in the emergency department.  I was properly medicated, fixed, and sent home.  I have an appointment with a surgeon tomorrow.

I don’t hate him.  I hate me for loving him…and in my warped mind it is just easier to hate him.  I hate the fact I was desperate and needed to call and ask for help.  I hate the fact I stooped to his level and told him I hated him.  I hate that it hurt when he turned me down in my moment of need.  But it told me everything that I needed to know.

Fucking DONE.

I just wish the shoulder was done.  *sigh*

Love, Esme

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8 Responses to “Oh The Pain.”

  1. MyDatingHangovers August 30, 2011 at 7:26 pm #

    First thing that came to mind when I saw the post title about pain? “What did thay darn M do THIS time”.

    I winced in pain reading this as I can only imagine anything being worse than what you described outside of your shoulder, is pain worthy of passing out from.

    Can’t fault you for the “hate you” moment. It’s like come on dude, you crushed my feelings just weeks ago and have disappointed me too many times to count and you can’t come through this one time? For a true emergency?

    Ugh.

    Wishing that the surgey ordeal is done and over with quickly.

    M? Done? Well….

    • Esme August 30, 2011 at 8:53 pm #

      Well, I’m trying very hard. I have not talked to him since. Trying to keep it that way, and since I don’t think I am going to hear from him, I just have to wait for these feelings of mine to pass.

  2. thoughtsappear August 31, 2011 at 8:57 am #

    You need to find a doctor to fix your shoulder ASAP. Ouch! Screw the doctor. Where’s your fairy godmother?

    Once someone isn’t there for you when you need ’em, totally done. I’m totally with you.

    • Esme September 5, 2011 at 7:41 pm #

      Amen to the fairy godmother…she would be so welcome right about now!

  3. Simm September 1, 2011 at 9:55 am #

    Ditto to the comment “once someone isn’t there for you when you need them the most, SCREW THEM”. That’s fucking terrible, I’m sorry Esme, if he couldn’t even do something small to help you out during your worst worst worst, then yeah, done.

    😦 Hope everything goes well with the surgeon.

    • Esme September 5, 2011 at 7:42 pm #

      Screw him indeed!!

  4. Nikki B September 5, 2011 at 7:20 pm #

    Really, none of this is surprising. I mean, I’d probably have called him too. For one, here was a opportunity for him to step up and prove something you wanted to believe (despite rationally knowing something else). For two, when we’re done, especially really down, we want people we love around. You knew his face would (irrationally perhaps) make you feel better.

    And, he proved again he won’t step up. Words are cheap, honey. Sometimes it’s rock bottom.

    Wish we were real life friends. I would’ve come over! 😀

    • Esme September 5, 2011 at 7:41 pm #

      I knew he wouldn’t step up, but I had no options. And a part of me did want to see if he would step up. He didn’t. I’ve got my answer.

      And thank you for the kind words 🙂

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