This Just Hurts

13 Aug

I have tried repeatedly to write this post.  I have tried being snarky, I have tried being funny, and I have tried being blase.  It hasn’t worked.  I don’t know what else to do but be honest, and pour my heart out.  This post is more for me then you all, but you are definitely welcome to read along.

Two year ago, almost exactly, M walked into my life.  The gorgeous tall, blond-haired green-eyed Adonis walked into my life.  He walked in, sat down, and has been there ever since.  We dated for a short time.  When I was injured in the line of duty, he was the reason I ate twice a day.  He would come over and carry me to bed.  He saw to my basic needs without complaint.  He made me smile.

A couple of months into it, I stopped hearing from him.  It hurt, but not worth crying over.  I moved on.  30 days later, I got an unexpected phone call from him.  An ex was pregnant, I didn’t deserve him dropping me like that, could we please go out and talk about it.  Etc etc.

I don’t think we ever actually ‘dated’ again, but a few months later we started a sexual relationship.  But it was different than any other FB I had.  He would show up at my door at night and tell me to get dressed-we are going out.  He would take me to dinner, and not come in afterwards.  When we went out, his eyes were on me-even though he was constantly hit on.  He fought a guy in a bar who grabbed my ass.  We were, for all intents and purposes, dating.  But neither of us would admit it, and neither of us were faithful.  Neither of us wanted to be.  I was newly divorced, I had no desire to be tied down.  He was 27, and he was much more into the playboy lifestyle.  It was a perfect match.

Eventually, both of us started dating.  Him, the girl he became engaged to, and me a plethora of boys.  In the beginning of his relationship with this girl, he was unfaithful.  And that was with me.  I didn’t date anyone seriously, so I was doing who, and what, I wanted to.  The tide turned about 8 months into this.

He told me to not go on another date.  Please E, he said, just give me some time.  I want you, you belong with me.  Let’s figure this out.  That was the last thing I wanted-or needed-to hear.  I didn’t want to belong to anyone.  I didn’t want to wait for anyone.  I wanted to live my life and have fun.  I brushed him off.  Conversation over.

Our ‘meetings’ became few and far between.  I continued to date, he continued to struggle with his relationship.  One night, when we did meet up, he threw this out at me: I’m thinking about getting engaged.  I just feel like it’s the next step.  Unless you can give me a good reason not to.  For some reason, that news affected me, but I didn’t know why.  I told him he shouldn’t do it unless he was sure.  Then I let the matter drop.  I spent no time exploring that feeling.

Our time together became non-existent after that.  I had no desire to mess around with someone who was wanting to get serious with someone else.  Time passed, we talked some, but didn’t cross paths until it was time for me to move.

I brought my car to M, and he did some work on it.  I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him, and the heaviness out of my heart. He caught me staring a few times, and would just give me a knowing smile.  We went inside for a drink when he was done, and of course the conversation steered toward us.  You know, M, I am sure going to miss you.  He came over to where I was sitting, and put his hand on my cheek.  I think this is SUCH a personal move, and a tear ran down my cheek.  He leaned in and kissed me, and then we had some good-bye fun.

Throughout my absence, we would occasionally talk and text.  When he let me know he got engaged, it was like a knife through my heart.  I didn’t know what to do with that feeling.  I never expected to see him again, so I pushed it to the side.  I congratulated him, and I braced myself to never hear from him again.

I didn’t hear from M for months,  and then the texts started up again.  I’m guessing right around the time he realized he made a mistake in getting engaged.  When are you coming for a visit?  Any chance you are moving back?  When I knew I was moving back, I let him know.  Was I warning him?  Was I warning myself?  What did I accomplish by telling him this?  I could have not told him, come back, and just lived my life.  Maybe I should have done just that.

A couple of months before I moved back, I came to visit for St. Pats.  He caught wind of my visit, and tried to get me to see him.  I was so conflicted.  I wanted, with every ounce of my being, to run to him.  But I didn’t.  I don’t know why, but I didn’t.

So I move, and one of the first people I tell is M.  But I don’t see him until I have car problems.  When I do see him, I am shocked.  I have NEVER seen him so unhappy.  It’s like the light went out in him.  It broke a little piece of my heart.  I hated to see him like this, and I called him on it.  M, what is going on?  This isn’t you.  Why are you so unhappy?  M smiled sadly, and told me he wasn’t unhappy, but he was just living.  Surviving.  There was no point in arguing.  He didn’t want to hear it, and I was wasting my breath.

We started seeing each other again.  I wrote about this, we all know it.  One of my concerns was getting dragged into his unhappiness.

His unhappiness with his life lead to my heart-break.  It lead to the I can’t do this anymore.  It lead to You are such an amazing, special person, and you don’t deserve what I am doing to you.  It lead to When I am with you, it is just magic.  And I need to figure this out.  It lead to I didn’t know I felt SO STRONGLY for you.  It also lead to I am so incredibly unhappy with my life, and I didn’t realize it until you came into my life and mixed it all up.

I sat and listened to him with tears running down my face.  Please don’t cry, Esme.  I am not worth your tears.  Is this what you want?  Really?  Look what I asked of you!!  Why were you OK with this?  I feel like such a SHIT for putting this on you.  I should have dealt with my shit before I EVER talked to you about any of this.  I thought I could have the best of both worlds, but I can’t.  I need to figure out my life first.  And I need to do it without being pulled so many directions.

All I could do was sit and listen.  What do you say to this?  No, I’m not letting you leave?

E: You know, M, that my biggest regret was not fighting for you when you started dating the fiancée.  I am so angry at myself for not responding when you told me how you felt.  I am so mad at myself for not telling you how I felt when you told me you were engaged.
M: Why didn’t you?  Why didn’t you tell me?
E: Is there a good answer for that?  I wasn’t ready for it.  I also thought you were unobtainable.  Out of my league.
M: I don’t get why you thought I was unobtainable.  I wasn’t.  I just needed to hear it from you, and I didn’t.  You left, I never thought I would see you again, so I moved on.  I did what I thought was the best thing.

(As I recounted this convo for my mom, she got so angry.  He should have fought for you harder, instead of settling.  That’s what he did…he couldn’t have the best thing in his life, so he settled.  Gotta love moms.)

E: Don’t put that on me, M.  Just because I left doesn’t mean you had to get engaged to someone you didn’t truly want.  Don’t do that to me.

We talked a little more.  Well, he talked and I cried.  All he did was reiterate everything he had already said.  I couldn’t listen to him anymore.

E: Is all of this happening because I never told you I love you?
M: What?  No!  Esme, I know you love me.  I can see it in your eyes.  Your smile.  Your touch.  I’m not lying when I told you that you are special.  That I love you.  You never had to say it.  Because I knew.  And you know that I love you.  You know this.  Please tell me you know this.

I nodded my head.  I do know.

M: I just have to figure this out.  I have to figure out what is good for me.  Christ, E, I am thirty years old and I have nothing figured out.

I said OK.  What else can you say?  I said everything that was in my heart.  I let him know how I felt.  There is no mistaking where I am coming from.

Later that day I received a text message from him: I do love you.  Don’t give up on me.  Ever.

I spent two days crying on and off.  I am angry at myself for feeling like this.  I have so many doubts, because ingrained in my very existence is the fact guys lie.  And play games.  M knows this about me, and I got a random text message yesterday: You are not unlovable.  The problem lies with me.

My girl Sunday is pretty unsympathetic.  Did you really think this wouldn’t happen?  Did you expect him to make you happy?  Go date and find someone else.

Not what I want, or need, to hear right now.  And she was not the only one to tell me to go date.  Let me say right here, right now-I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING DATE RIGHT NOW!!  The thought of dating makes my stomach turn.  I am not going to date when my heart clearly belongs to someone else.  Don’t tell me to date.  Please.

And I don’t need the negativity.  I am fully aware it was a fucked up situation.  As much as I tried to be casual about it, I felt myself getting sucked in.  Before I went into it I KNEW I had strong feelings for him.  What did I expect?  I don’t know.  Maybe I expected to right the wrong from all of that time ago.  Maybe I felt that, even though I lost him, I could still have him in a small way.  Could still have him in my life.

What do I think will happen?  I think his sense of family will lead him to go into a marriage he doesn’t want.  If I hear from him again, I think it will be down the road, after he is so fucking miserable that he will be looking for a distraction.

Of course, it all seems so easy to me, or to anyone that may be on the outside looking in.

Godammit I love this guy.  How do I deal with this?

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10 Responses to “This Just Hurts”

  1. MyDatingHangovers August 14, 2011 at 12:15 am #

    As painful as it may have been to write this, you did it and thank you for it. I now understand the relationship between the two of you and while I use that term, what is worst is that you’re feeling like you’ve gone through a horrible break up with a man you’ve never technically been with.

    But you have still be with him, sort of like an off and on relationship.

    You love him and what’s happened hurts like hell. Cry, write and cry some more but date? That’s absurd which is exactly what I told someone last night as she tried figuring out how to get over heartbreak.

    There’s so much I want to say to this and if I was on my pc, would probably have responded to each paragraph. My main point or question for you Esme is this – if using the “never together” scenario, what has you so crushed?

    Set aside that he was with another woman, engaged or otherwise but right now, what are you losing from having been involved with M? Please understand this is just meant to get you to think about the answer.

    My thoughts? I think it hurts so bad because you basically have been sucker punched in the face with the reality that you love this man and probably have for quite some time.

    I know you probably could care less about my situation right now but Rescue? Got engaged because it “seemed like the next thing to do” after we broke up. He knew I was in a relationship and likely figured I was headed for marriage as well. Men can be so dumb. You know how THAT story is playing out right now and while its not perfect, we somehow found our way back to each other.

    Saying all of this, for now maybe you need to cease contact with M for a little bit. You’re still processing all of this and with him sending these little one off texts, its like trying to get a sore to heal but you keep picking at thew scab. He’s picking right now though he’s thinking he’s helping but trying to sendd some reassurance of how you are so deserving of more.

    I feel for you girl and the kind of pain you’re feeling right now is something I wouldn’t even wish on my worst enemy.

    • Esme August 15, 2011 at 10:47 am #

      I think a lot of the pain is getting sucker-punched, like you said.
      I never truly ‘had’ him, and I know this. We kept going to each other when shit was bad, we needed a distraction, etc. And throughout these two years, feelings developed. But he isn’t emotionally available to me, and I know this. I think that is what hurts, too. I want to be the one he makes his life better for. And I am just not that person. Doesn’t make my hurt any better, though.
      I will be A-OK, it will just take a little time 🙂
      And in the meantime, I am reading Why Men Prefer Bitches!

  2. Echo August 14, 2011 at 6:43 pm #

    Wow, I visited today to tell you that I presented you with the versatile blogger award, but after reading this I just want to give you a big hug and a strong drink. You seem like a very strong woman and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I truly feel for you and can relate a bit too, although I’m the one who “settled”. I wish I could make it better for you. Just know that there are many of us in blog land who are here for you.

    • Esme August 15, 2011 at 10:50 am #

      Aww, thanks for the award! I will get to it soon 🙂
      As for the drink…I did a little of that yesterday. Too much of it while I was cooking. UGH.
      I settled once too, in my marriage. I thank God everyday that I woke up and got out of it. So it pains me to hear other people doing it. And pains me when someone who hasn’t taken that leap yet is GOING to.
      Thank you for reading!

  3. thoughtsappear August 15, 2011 at 8:17 am #

    I’m sorry that you’ve been hurting. Kiefer and I broke up a few weeks ago, so I get the pain.

    Whenever I’m hurting, I always have to figure out what to do myself. Nothing anyone says sounds right.

    Hugs to you!

    • Esme August 15, 2011 at 10:51 am #

      Oh no! I am so very sorry to hear about you and Kiefer. Why is love so hard??

  4. Simm August 15, 2011 at 9:17 am #

    I spent the whole post nodding, because I know exactly how you feel. I know that you probably won’t be able to date (you said it yourself right?). You most likely will end up comparing, or missing, or feeling guilty for going on a date and not giving someone your 100%.

    I think you will know best how to figure this one out. Maybe stop with the open lines of communication with M in the interim… it may be the hardest, but it may be the right thing at the same time.

    And seriously, I hate the whole cop-out, getting engaged thing, when they obviously shouldn’t be.

    • Esme August 15, 2011 at 10:54 am #

      I need to cut off communication. Yesterday he texted me, asked me how I was doing. So I told him, I don’t think he wanted to hear my answer, because he never responded, which totally pissed me off. All it does is stir up emotions. I can’t do that to myself. I can’t keep hurting for someone who is unavailable to me.

  5. bonda84 September 23, 2011 at 5:03 pm #

    I’m going to paraphrase a favorite quote of mine. In time…the grief lessons. It may not completely go away, but it’s not so overwhelming and it is possible to go on.

    Don’t force yourself to move on when you and your heart aren’t ready to. Don’t force yourself to settle like he did. Love is both the easiest and most complicated things to ever exist. It’s a compliment and a complete contradictory of itself all in one. And also…it’s ok that you still have that glimmer of hope that your fairy tale can come true.

    • Esme September 27, 2011 at 10:36 am #

      And that contradiction makes it completely one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

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