A Broken Heart

11 Aug

Yesterday…I saw the love in M’s actions.  For the first time, with my own eyes.
Yesterday…M held my hand while I had a painful procedure done.
Yesterday…M let me use his strength while I leaned on him and slept.
Yesterday…we finalized plans for a romantic night this coming up week.

Today…M told me he can’t do it anymore.
Today…M told me he couldn’t give me what I deserved.
Today…I have spent all day crying, not realizing why this has hurt me so bad.
Tonight…I have realized I have the capacity to love.  And I never want to feel this hurt again.

Love, Esme


5 Responses to “A Broken Heart”

  1. MyDatingHangovers August 11, 2011 at 11:13 pm #

    Fuck Esme! I just read this, while I’m laying bed thinking I can’t do this anymore with Rescue.

    Full moon? I don’t know but I’m feeling really shitty right now.

    But I don’t know what’s worse, know it won’t work for be because I won’t let up on the issues until resolved or the fact that I won’t just tell him so.

    I wish I could tell you something that would help. A kind reply or a magical statement that will make it all better.

    But I can’t…try to rest easy tonight.

    • Esme August 12, 2011 at 12:18 am #

      I’m not sure much can be said when someone is mending a broken heart. I’m amazed I hurt so much, but it was pointed out that the hurt lets me know I am capable of loving someone. Bright side? Not sure, especially since I don’t want to go through this ever again.

      I’m sorry things with Rescue are not going they way you want them too. He definitely has some shit he needs to deal with. I hate when boys can’t deal with issues before getting into a new relationship.

  2. thoughtsappear August 12, 2011 at 7:27 am #

    Oh, Esme, I’m so sorry you’re hurting. Hugs to you!

  3. Nikki B August 19, 2011 at 10:43 am #

    You need to decide what YOU need.

    Earlier, I advised to allow something *non-traditional* to happen, IF everyone was on board and everyone was honest. I shouldn’t have been quite so quick to provide that advice, perhaps, although I do think it was once a possibility…. but not any more.

    My opinion? You figure out what you want. He’s proven that the “oh, my marriage is JUST convenience and I can have this other relationships no problem” is NO LONGER AN OPTION. I think that, yeah, now is the time for him to step up, or step the FUCK off and let you heal.

    Enough about the past. Enough about what you did or didn’t say – hello! The mother fucked got ENGAGED. THAT is all that is important right now – not what went wrong or who said or didn’t say what. What MATTERS is your situation right effing now.

    No more “don’t give up on me” bullshit without some fucking ACTION, son.

    Esme. I say you give him a goddamn ultimatum. He figures his shit out, breaks his engagement, and is a free, unattached and available man for you, or he needs to LEAVE YOU ALONE.

    …. for good.

    I KNOW how much that sucks to say, how much that hurts to think about. You are never going to get over this if he keeps coming back. ESPECIALLY after he’s married. I think this has proven how that will go – not a open marriage of convenience, with you as accepted outside relationship, but as his marriage as legitimate, and you never will be. He will hurt you over and over again, and every single time will tell you how sorry he is. Just because he THINKS he didn’t mean it, just because he WANTS to make things right… doesn’t make anything ok.

    Um. Not too much help, I know. You WILL heal though. You just have to give yourself time and space.

    If you ever wanna talk womenarefrommars at gmail.

  4. Esme August 19, 2011 at 5:44 pm #

    yeah…read on to see what stupid thing I did. I am glad I went…I got answers. I said my peace. And I harbor no illusions of what may happen in the future. A great idea? Probably not. But I did it anyways.

Speak your peace

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