Guess What I learned About Myself?

23 Jul

I have learned that the thought of having to say ‘I L-WORD you’ to someone makes me ralph.  No shit.  I can’t do it, so I don’t.  For example, you ask?  Here are some past exchanges that have taken place (these are not all the same person).

#1: Esme, I love you.
E: Awww…thank you!

#2: I love you.
E: Aaannnnnndddd…I like you.

#3: I love you, Esme.
E: I have to go now.

#4: I love you.
E: BBB-AAAAAA-RRRRRRR-FFFFFFF

The above is a very accurate representation of that happens when someone tells me they L-WORD me.  In a couple of instances I actually had very strong feelings for the guy back.  But I can’t admit it.  I have several theories, but the one that is first and foremost in my brain is this one-the last time I admitted I loved someone I wound up in an abusive marriage.  Once bitten, twice shy at it’s best.  Thanks Great White!!

I can’t even watch totally lovey-dovey movies.  For example…The Notebook.  My girl Sunday mentioned renting it today.  My stomach heaved, my mouth watered.  I repeatedly swallowed, trying to keep the bile down.  I rolled down the car window to get some wind on my face.  When the six moments passed, I turned to her and said ‘NO’.

S: What’s wrong with The Notebook?!?
E: It’s a love story!
S: SO?!?!
E: It’s unrealistic.  No one waits all those years for someone they love.  It just doesn’t happen.
S: M has been waiting for you for over two years.  Seems to me it does happen.
E: Oooohhhhh…the world is spinning…dizzy…funny taste…PULL OVER!!

Sunday didn’t pull over because she was laughing too hard.  If her face wasn’t fading in and out I would have punched it.  I stuck my head out of the window and took in big gulps of air.  When my blood pressure returned to normal, I settled back into my seat.

S: How the hell do you react when M tells you he loves you??
E: He has only said it once.
S: That surprises me.  Why?
E: (muttering) Because I almost passed out.
S: ESME!!
E: What do you want me to do??  I can’t help it!!
S: I feel so bad for this guy.  Get some help.  I hope he knows how fucked up you are.
E: Yeah, well, it’s just a fucked up situation.  So he really shouldn’t be surprised.
S: Do you love him?
E: There is no need to go there, Sunday.  You know I can’t talk about this.
S: I know you love him.  I can see you light up when you talk about him.  When he texts or when he calls.  Your voice changes and your expression gets softer.
E: Ahh fuck.

So here is what I discovered today.  The thought of the L-WORD freaks me the FUCK out.  I can’t hear it, I can’t say it, and I can’t watch it.  And if it gets pointed out to me, my reaction is even worse.

I just may L-WORD M.  But I am sure it will be a long time before I can truly admit it to myself.  And it will be longer until I can admit it to him.  BUT…I am sure M already knows.  I am the only one that is in denial.

Love, Esme

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14 Responses to “Guess What I learned About Myself?”

  1. MyDatingHangovers July 23, 2011 at 11:50 pm #

    “Thank you” in response to “I love you”? How’d that go over?

    Aw E…I’m sorry about this L-Affliction you’re dealing with and am going to try not to leave a lecture but come on – you survived the great white with the rest of you in working order even with a few damaged organs (namely your heart from the asshole ex).

    You holding out on us? I don’t see where Mr. Hottie said the dreaded word but the dialogue mentions him. You DO love him, right??

    Oh and you’re right – the Notebook has to be one of the sappiest movies ever. I’m not really much of a crier but that movie? Plenty of sniffles from me but I thinks its possible. It’s oneof my favorites, second to Love Jones which is still a love story about two lovers and their worlds converging (finally) but nowhere near as corny. =)

    • Esme July 24, 2011 at 12:02 am #

      The Notebook didn’t even make me cry. I spent the whole movie rolling my eyes. I think I truly think that love can’t-and doesn’t-exist. I know…I’m jaded!

      I only wrote about the time M told me he loved me when he first dropped that bomb on me on the phone. He did tell me in person (because I told him unless he looked in my eyes and told me it didn’t count). Well…he called my bluff and then had to keep me from falling onto the ground. Since he was worried about my health and safety, I didn’t have to answer back with anything. I have told him I have feelings for him…that’s as close as I have come. And I think he is a little afraid to say it again! He shows me, though…with a look, a touch, a smile…yeah…he L-WORDs me 😉

      The ‘Thank you’ didn’t go over too well…not at all…

  2. MyDatingHangovers July 23, 2011 at 11:53 pm #

    Oh yeah….not sure how many months you have left but wanted to leave this reminder:

    5. Tell a certain someone I L-WORD him.

    • Esme July 24, 2011 at 12:04 am #

      I have a year and a half left! Plenty of time…I hope…

  3. My Dating Hangovers July 24, 2011 at 5:01 pm #

    LOL! The Notebook made you yawn? Now that’s funny. A year and a half is sufficient and in my opinion, the way the situation is with this guy, I don’t see where the L word needs to be wasted on him. Nice dude with history and all but knowing how you feel for him is good enough.

    Reserve if for the one who breaks through that ADT system that is securing your heart. When you meet that guy, you’ll probably have to record yourself because you won’t believe how easy it will be.

    I think I like hearing Medic stories. You guys been playing doctor/patient lately? 🙂

    • Esme July 24, 2011 at 7:50 pm #

      No doctor/patient lately. I think he just recently finished his ‘freak-out’ stage, because he has been texting more lately. Normally I just wouldn’t have the energy for his games, but he is just OH SO GOOD. And all he is? A good time 😉

  4. Nikki B July 25, 2011 at 9:09 am #

    Ha ha ha! Oh, Esme… I totally feel you on this one!

    I say… don’t sweat it, it’s just words. I think they’ll come when you’re ready. Until then, adding pressure to it just makes it worse! And I assume you like to puke a lil in your mouth about as much as I do!

    At least… that’s what I tell myself! 😉

    • Esme July 25, 2011 at 6:18 pm #

      I am definitely trying to not stress about it! 🙂 Not being too successful, but it helps that he is super busy right now and we aren’t seeing each other too much.

  5. Simm July 25, 2011 at 10:13 am #

    You know, the L word freaks the fuck out of me now. It never used to, but lately I’ve been really hating commitment and “L” stuff. Eh, I hear ya on that one. But ditto to what Nikki says – when you’re ready, it will happen.

    • Esme July 25, 2011 at 6:18 pm #

      Maybe it is the commitment connection that bothers me! I didn’t think about that…

  6. thoughtsappear July 25, 2011 at 6:55 pm #

    I used to say #2 quite frequently. Maybe I’ll change it up with one of the others next time.

    • Esme July 25, 2011 at 7:19 pm #

      I have mostly responded with #1-which makes me sound like a cold-hearted bitch I think!

  7. DressySJP July 27, 2011 at 10:18 am #

    He says, “I love you”, so you should say, “Good! The last thing I need is another enemy!” hahahahaha
    🙂

    • Esme July 27, 2011 at 5:22 pm #

      What a great reply!!

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