What Do I Do With This?

4 Jul

I am still in shock, and I am not sure what to do with this.  This is full-disclosure, and I am leaving nothing out.  Please don’t judge either of us, as we still have yet to get together and talk it all through.  But this shit bothered me enough that I didn’t sleep last night.  Mostly because I don’t understand the motive, the reasoning, and many other things.  How the hell does this shit keep happening to me?  Does anyone else ever get anything like this??

If you haven’t been reading for the last year and a half, click HERE for what happened last time he poured his heart out to me.  I took it, stomped on it like a bitch, and walked away.  My one and only dating regret.

I texted Mr. Hottie last night from work.  I was getting off soon, I had no kids, I had a shitty day and wanted to…release some stress.  I got a phone call from him an hour later.  What follows is the best of my memory, plus some texts thrown in that happened after our convo.

MH: I can’t tonight, babe.  How about Friday?
E: Can’t.  I have a date that night.
M: You date a lot…are you looking to get married?
E: Fuck no, dude.  You are aware of this.  I am never getting remarried.  I am never combining my finances.  I am never putting myself in that situation again.  It has taken me too long to come out of this.  You were there, you saw it.  Hell, I’m not even sure I actually want to live with someone 24/7.  He needs to be able to have his own place so I can have my alone time.  I want to be able to kick his ass OUT.  I’ve told you all of this before.
M: Do you think you can be faithful to me?
E: What?
M: Faithful, to me.  Can you be.
E: No.  You have a fucking fiancée.  One you keep pushing the wedding back on.  But one none-the-less.  Why the hell would I be faithful when you won’t be?  This is a ridiculous conversation.
M: I want you.  I want you to be with only me.  I want that.  I will take care of you, do what you want, give you what you want.  But then you are with me and me only.
E: Haven’t we traveled down this road before?
M: I want to meet your kids, kick your ex’s ass, fight for you and with you, share the good and bad.
E: Why are you doing this, saying this?  This isn’t cool.  I had very real feelings for you before.  I walked away so I didn’t get hurt.  You moved on.  Not giving you a chance is my one regret, Mr. Hottie.  Why are you doing this to me NOW?  RIGHT NOW?? YOU ARE FUCKING ENGAGED!!
M: Because I’m in love with you.
E: Because you are…wait, WHAT?
M: You are perfect.
E: I am far from perfect.  And what do you mean the L-word?  (I couldn’t even say the word)
M: I always have.  Not too long after I met you.
E: Then why didn’t you tell me?
M: I tried.  On several occasions.
E: Oh.  I guess you did.  But you are engaged.  I think you keep forgetting about that.
M: I’m not forgetting.  And I have to marry her.  I’ve explained this before.  (He has.  It is some truly archaic merging of two families’ businesses.  Money.  Shit that only happens in movies and the deep south you don’t hear about anymore.  In all respects a marriage of convenience.)
E: So I’m second best.  On the outside.  The afterthought.  The secret.
M: NO!!  Dammit Esme! I want to be in your life.  No afterthought.  No secrets.  I just can’t give you marriage.  I can’t give you 100% of my time.  Which you have admitted time and time again to me is what you want from your man.  I love you.  I have been miserable without you.  And if this is the only way I can have you, I had to ask.
E: But what if I decide down the road in a number of years I want it all?  I should be able to have it.
M: You should.  You are worth it.  I may not be able to give it to you.  But I will give you everything I can.
E: Do you understand how ridiculous this is?  How this sounds?  I have two kids, and ex that causes drama, his girlfriend which causes more drama, and other crap going on…and you WANT IN ON THIS??  You want me to let you in?  You want me to be there for you, be OK with you popping in once every couple of weeks, because that is all I see you now?  You want me to trust you, love you, let you be a significant part in my children’s lives?  You want to fight my demons with me?  DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE ASKING?? (I yelled a lot last night)
M: Not once every couple of weeks.  Several times a week.  Weekends.  Often.  And if you don’t want to see me, you don’t have to.
E: My living situation doesn’t allow that.  Now what?
M: I know it doesn’t.  I will take care of it.
E: Take care of what?  What are you saying?
M: I will give you a place to live.  I will help you with the bills.  I will give you anything and everything you need.
E: You are going to pay my rent, pay the bills?  Just so you can come over and get laid???  We do that NOW!!!
M: No, not for that.  Because I want you in my life.  I want to share everything with you.
E: Except your last name.
M: You told me you don’t want to get married!!
E: I DON’T!!! But I don’t like being told I CAN’T!!
M: Esme.  Babe.  I love you.  I know I threw a lot at you.  Everything you told me that you want in a relationship, I will give you.  You don’t want someone there all the time.  You still want ‘you’ time.  You want to live your own life, but you want someone to back you up.  I can help you with money.  I can help you get into a nice place and afford it.  I can give you financial peace of mind.  I can help you with the ex.  I can be the person you lean on after a bad shift, a bad day.  I can help you with the boys.  I want to do all of these things.  I want you to know me inside out.  I want you with me.
E: Why are you telling me this now?  After all this time?
M: Because I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

After that I told him I want him to look into my eyes and tell me all of this.  I want to read his expression, his eyes.  I have given no thought to what I will actually do, but I have to see that he is serious.  I know he is serious, but I have to SEE it.

He loves me.  Has for a long time.  And every time he tried to tell me I was such a bitch.  I wasn’t ready to hear it.  I have strong feelings for him, and have admitted as much on here.

And I won’t lie…help financially sounds fucking amazing.  Being able to have sex with him regularly sounds fucking amazing.  Not having to deal with my…boyfriend?…on a religious basis sounds fucking amazing.  Having someone in my life, but still having time to spend alone with my kids sounds fucking amazing.  He is right, he has my number, it is everything I could ever ask for.  Except for the fact he has to marry someone else.  That’s putting a bit of a crimp in fucking amazing…

Love, Esme

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11 Responses to “What Do I Do With This?”

  1. Caleb July 4, 2011 at 3:25 pm #

    So he’s asking if you want to be the most-loved, official “other girl” with all the freedom and financial benefits he’s promised…

    You know that, even if this seems like what you want, and you go for it, you’ll never be okay with the fact that he’s sleeping with his wife one night, out to pizza with the wife and family, going to her family events, and telling her that he loves her and having special moments with her. You know that’ll never make you happy, right?

    You can ride the fuck-buddy wave for a long time sometimes, but eventually something has to change. Decide exactly what you want, expect it, and don’t settle for less. Good guys always respect women with the confidence to know what they want and demand it. You’re that kind of girl- live that way!

    • Esme July 4, 2011 at 3:33 pm #

      Amen Caleb. Amen. As great as some things look on paper, I know out will be completely horrible in the long run. And I dont play second fiddle to anyone.

  2. j July 4, 2011 at 6:44 pm #

    Caleb said everything that I wanted to say. As good as it sounds I would not be happy with him having to marry someone else.

  3. Simmarah July 5, 2011 at 7:52 am #

    As much as that sounds *amazing*, I wouldn’t be able to deal with having that sort of arrangement. Even to his wife, that’s a bit unfair to her.

    Gahhh, why now is my question, and why does he want to jump in with two feet, when before he couldn’t even do a big toe??

    • Esme July 5, 2011 at 9:08 pm #

      I’m not sure what is going through his mind, Simm. But it always has been me that hasn’t committed, not him…

  4. thoughtsappear July 5, 2011 at 12:19 pm #

    Wow…I thought that kind of stuff only happened in books and movies. Are you writing a book? You should be.

    • Esme July 5, 2011 at 9:09 pm #

      My friends keep trying to convince me to write a book. I have a blogful of material, but I still think no one would read it 😉

  5. Nikki B July 5, 2011 at 1:38 pm #

    Here I come with allllllll my open-minded weirdness to muddy the waters for you, Esme!

    OK. First of all? I’ve done a LOT of thinking about monogamy and relationships over the past year. Not because I had to for some reason, or any reason, really, as I don’t seem to be really wanting a relationships but… I digress! I think that Society dictates to us that the ONLY appropriate and acceptable (both very important words here) relationships are the ones that are defined LIKE THIS. Everything else is weird, not-normal, bad, will fall apart, etc.

    Also. Anything else can mean YOU FAILED. Or, as you put it, you are second fiddle. And it’s just cannot POSSIBLY be fulfilling.

    Hmmmm… what if we tell Society to shove it for five seconds?

    Now. *IF* (big giant huge fucking IF) Hottie McLoveyPants is absolutely one-hundred-percent honest and you can trust him and he isn’t flying off some deep end because he just doesn’t want to get married – here is what he’s offering you: A relationship based on real emotions (you have ’em too) and sex. One where he wants to be as much as a partner as he can be, given his situation.

    Does it matter that his soon-to-be wifey is a marriage of convenience? Well of course it does. HUGELY. But other people have more open relationships too – and I am not one to say we can all *only* love one person. Just because Society say it ain’t right don’t make it so…

    Some of these things REALLY WORK. Why? Well, there is a lot of evidence out there that humans aren’t meant to define their social structure as rigidly as we do today. That open relationships are, in fact, quite natural for us. We have just decided they’re wrong (agriculture, and “owning” your wifeys has a lot to do with this… )

    SO. My advice? Let go of what Society tells us all is right and think about what YOU really want. If you felt that you weren’t “second fiddle” in Hottie-LoveyPants’s heart, but only in the eyes of Society, would that be ok? I mean, might not be TERRIBLE for a great relationship now – especially if you don’t want to get married again. Plus, this may allow the independence for you that I think you want, as well (clearly, I don’t see this as a terrible situation…).

    If you think that even MAYBE you could do this, I suggest a REALLY RATIONAL conversation with Lovey-Face. About what this all means. About your fears and your needs and about how serious he is. And. KEEP IT RATIONAL – not all emotional and weepy (I mean from him, not you). Also? I suggest he has a conversation with his soon-to-be-wifey. Does she also think the marriage is convenience or does she think differently? I think, for me, I’d need him to be honest with her too. If she’s on board with a marriage of convenience that’s open to outside relationships…. welll… that’s sayin’ something too.

    If things seem to be ok… give it a fucking whirl. See what happens. And remember, as Dan Savage always says, all relationships end – and you never know who will be with you always (until someone dies) or for how long. Until someone dies and then you know.

    That’s what I say. Yeah, you heard me.

    OK. That’s my two cents – or ten paragraphs!

    (If you’re interesting in learning more about monogamy (etc) I suggest “Sex At Dawn” by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá, http://www.sexatdawn.com/, and check out Evies blog: http://openandkinky.blogspot.com/ – she has some literature on her site too).

    • Esme July 5, 2011 at 9:07 pm #

      You gave me some things to think about, Nikki! A rational, honest discussion is a must, and called for no matter what is decided. It should happen soon. Until then, I’m going to check out said literature…

  6. ifUseekAmy July 6, 2011 at 9:27 am #

    I agree with Nikki. Although I tend to be more aligned with society’s stand for monogamy, it’s more because I personally wouldn’t be able to handle another woman in the picture (I’d get jealous no matter what the circumstances) and I get enough aggravation with one man (hence, I do not need more than one at a time). Just because this non-traditional set-up isn’t for me, it doesn’t mean that it is wrong.

    If you decide that you are okay with this *arrangement*, then no one has any right to judge or say it won’t work out or convince you it isn’t what you want. YOU are the only one who knows what you want (or will figure it out).

    It sounds like a sucky situation (his having to marry this woman), but if you both wish to move forward with your separate-from-the-marriage-relationship, can agree on the terms of it, and the wife is in the know and fine with it, then hell, do it.

    There are almost always risks we take in life and love. Consider if this is a risk you want to take with your heart, your mind/well being, and your boys.

    No matter what you decide, we got your back!
    xoxoxo

    • Esme July 6, 2011 at 10:26 pm #

      Thanks Amy! I am not sure what I am going to do yet. I think I am reserving the decision-making until I am able to sit and talk with him for an extended length of time. But the fact he helped me out today, when he could have told me to fuck off, really threw me off. I’m not used to him not being selfish…

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