Why Can’t I Just Turn Off My Mind?

2 Jul

I have had a week plus of sleepless nights.  Which, really, not sleeping does not lead to good thoughts.  It leads to Everything is going to Hell in a handbasket thoughts.  It leads to How am I going to fuck this one up thoughts.  It leads to Sigh…I am feeling just so completely retarded thoughts.  And it brings back memories/nightmares of one of my worst calls ever.

Truthfully…it is right around the anniversary of one of my worst calls.  It happened 4 years ago.  Every year at this time I stop sleeping, lose weight, withdraw a little.  All I want to do is talk about it, but I don’t feel like anyone would understand.  It wasn’t one of those bloody gory brains all over the freeway calls.  It was a very emotional response…and it didn’t bother anyone else as much as it bothered me.  Sometimes, those are worse than anything you could ever see.

Yes, I have gone to therapy for it.  I was told that it will take time, and it may never go away.  Hoo-fucking-ray.

Since this has happened every year for the last four years, I know it will be over in a couple of weeks.  But Christ, what kind of damage am I going to do to everything that is great in the meantime?

I get bitchy (more so than normal) when I have a severe lack of sleep.  I struggled throughout my date the other day to maintain a positive, sunshiny attitude.  I have to re-read all of my texts to Fighter several times to make sure they convey what I want to sound like.  I feel like me saying Hey dude…it’s the fourth anniversary of something that bugged the EVER-LOVING shit outta me, and I just really need to talk about it will make him run away faster than I can process.  I have been having a lot of negative thoughts about Fighter and me.  How it could never work, we come from two different places, blah blah blah.  The good thing is that I am still rational, and I know none of that is true 🙂  I just need to be able to turn off the negative thoughts caused by the sleeplessness.

The only thing lately that has helped me sleep, and has helped me relax, was having Medic next to me.  And I’m not talking about the sex.  I’m talking about being held, feeling safe.  I didn’t dream those nights.  I didn’t worry about what would happen when I closed my eyes.  I liked knowing that if I was startled awake, I could roll over and gain strength from his presence.  (Now let’s be clear here…I don’t need a man to be strong and safe.  I’ve done a great job of that the last two years on my own.  But these few weeks every year, I think I like feeling that I can lean on someone else just a little).  Him being around, holding me, not judging me, and making me laugh helps me forget.

I have found myself wearing my favorite shirt quite often lately.  It’s a shirt I wear when I need a little internal fortitude.  I did some amazing-test-my-limits things in that shirt, so it reminds me of how much a ROCKSTAR I am!  The shirt, my grandmother’s earrings, and my other grandmother’s ring have all been staples lately.  All for the same reason.

Why the hell did it take me so long to put two-and-two together? Hello Esme…it’s not a date you will forget!  Next time I need to mark it in my calendar so it doesn’t sneak up on me so badly.  And that way I will hopefully remember to not try to make any serious life changes around these few weeks…it’s stressing me out!

Love, Esme


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