I’m Feeling Particularly Lame Right About Now

28 May

OK, OK-I understand that I have been missing for quite a while.  I am working two jobs…and I am sitting at a phenomenally boring one, so I have decided to update you all.  You are welcome.

AG is still in the picture, but we still have yet to meet.  How is this possible, you ask?  Well, I’d kind of like to know the answer to that myself.  We have had plans on two different days, and on those two days he has cancelled.  What the fuck.  I’ve known he is flaky.  And I fucking HATE flaky.  But besides being great in bed, he is also a friend.  And I have been really wanting to talk to him.

E: When you have some time, could you hit me up?  I’d really like to talk to you!  And no worries-this is not a ploy to get into your pants 😉

AG: What if I want it to be a ploy to get into my pants?

E: Then, my dear AG, you have to call when you say you are going to.

AG: Sorry, I got stuck at work.

E: If we were actually dating, you would owe me a diamond tennis bracelet.

He has been properly chastised.  I hope.  Because the thought of being together has me ready to slide off my chair.  What followed after the above exchange could only be described as XXX promises.  The sexual tension is palpable.  My body turns to jelly when I think about it.  I’m currently laying in a puddle, reaching one arm up to the desk to write this.  True story.  This shit better happen soon.  Or I will not be a happy camper.

I have been hearing from Mr. Hottie as well.  I have such mixed emotions when it comes to him, and that is what is keeping me away.  I can finally admit to myself that I fell for this guy.  I walked away from him because I knew I would never be any kind of priority in his life.  I’m not talking about the ‘on a pedestal’ priority-because that is the last thing I want or need-but I knew I would never be the only one.  I knew his friends would come before me, no matter what.  I knew he would give into sexual desires with other women, without a backwards glance to me.  I knew that work was always going to come first.  I knew I would have to fight for his attention.  I knew, that when push comes to shove, I would be the very last thing he thought about when the chips fall.  And that is why I never agreed to date him.

Our relationship, or what we made into a relationship, worked out very well for us.  There was zero committment on either of our parts.  We enjoyed each others company.  However, because we avoided ‘titles’ or ‘names’, we lasted a very long time.  It was perfect for him because he didn’t feel trapped, and perfect for me because I was still in my fuck men-I’m usin’ and abusin’ phase.

So what would happen now?  I have a few guesses.  And I don’t like the way any of them end.

Mr. Hottie is in a relationship he despises.  And he won’t get out of it.  Why?  Because this woman is so fucking clueless-and stupid-that he can carry on with his many (and I mean MANY) affairs.  He can do what he wants and get away with it.  He lives a life completely separate from hers, but he gets to go home to the doting faithful woman.  GAG.  But that is what his vision of a perfect family is.  And for whatever reason he doesn’t want to be alone.

My thought on Mr. Hottie?  He has never found anything with substance.  He has never found a woman worth fighting for, or one who has fought for him.  He has always been able to use women for what he wants, and toss them to the side.  He is OK doing this because women use him for his money, looks, and toys.  Because he has never met a real one.  I think I honestly gave him that first insight into what a strong, confident woman is.  I think it is part of the reason we went as long as we did (I didn’t give a shit about his toys or money-but I won’t deny that I loved his body).  I think that was the reason he came to me late one night and professed his love.  Do I think he loves me?  No.  Do I think he cares for me?  Yes.  And that is evidenced by the fact he continues to call.

My gal Sunday thinks I should go ahead and see him.  Go for it!  It’s not your problem if he is in a relationship.  He isn’t married.  You guys care for each other.  What is the worst that can happen?

The worst thing that can happen is me falling in love with him, and getting my heart ripped out of my chest.  Then I will have to cry over him while drinking a bottle of Riesling with Sunday, lamenting over the fact that I was a FUCKING RETARD to think we could make it work in any way shape or form.  And that just is not a good look for me.

Love, Esme

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4 Responses to “I’m Feeling Particularly Lame Right About Now”

  1. Carmen May 28, 2011 at 4:05 pm #

    Uh…not sure if I would go with Mr. Hottie. As if he wasn’t enough work, dipping in between his girl because (as he SAYS) things just aren’t that good is asking for it. Sure he’d be a good time and someone to hang out with and he IS pretty hot, the chances of you getting caught up? Too risky.

    Let’s go with a lower risk and spin your wheels with AG who I swear, must be related to my GOP. They (like what I’m guessing is 85% of men) are consistently inconsistent. Doing just enough to keep in contact, good conversations when you do speak or meet up but then they drop the ball with lack of follow up. It’s always something about work. Ugh. Hate that excuse. If they were unemployed, what would the reasons be then?

    I hope the change of scenery from Cali’s dismall dating prospects start looking a whole lot better where you are now. I’ll give you a pass, for now, dealing with these old recycled hangovers but am ready to hear about some fresh meat conquests!

    Keep us posted!

    • Esme May 29, 2011 at 10:08 am #

      I just started a bartending job, so hopefully there will be some fresh meat soon 🙂

  2. j May 29, 2011 at 8:40 am #

    I would feel the same about Mr. Hottie. I would be way to scared of getting hurt just based on his past and I guess present.

    • Esme May 29, 2011 at 10:09 am #

      Just not worth it. I’m not ok crying over a guy, so I am not going to start with him!

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