9 Mar

All this talk of popped collars-and my fascination with the fact that IT STILL HAPPENS-has lead me to this moment right here in time.  So if you have a boyfriend, brother, or friend who thinks he looks cool, I will wait one minute while you sit them in front of the computer……………………………………………..and now I speak to them.

Hey Douche Lord!  Yeah you, right there in the pale pink polo from American Eagle or Aeropostale.  I’m also going to guess that you may have your hat tilted to the side…at just the right angle that took you 2 hours in your bathroom mirror to complete.  And after the hat was seat right, you probably blew a ‘man-kiss’ to yourself in the mirror as well.  You know, the two finger kiss that turns into a peace sign while you smirk at yourself…cuz what biz-natch wouldn’t want to get all up on yo dick?  And, a shot in the dark here, you have 20 pictures of yourself on Facebook throwing the ‘shocker’ with your best douche buds.  And at least one Ed Hardy t-shirt.  Uh-huh.  Stud.  Oh good Lord this is just not alright.

I’m going to guess that’s a pretty accurate picture of you.  Do you know what this says to me?  It says:

Hi, I’m (douchebag name).  I am a really unsuccessful person at life who may or may not live at home with mom and/or dad.  I don’t ever get laid, unless I crash some college frat party and some 18 year-old girl is too drunk to see that I am an incredibly insecure man.  I’d rather spend time with my home boys then go out and meet a legit woman.  And if I did meet a real woman, I would have no idea what to do with her.  Oh, and I guess you should know that if for any reason I do get you into bed with me, I am a very selfish lover with sub-par skills.  You will leave dissatisfied.

Same thing here.  It’s even more pathetic because the shirt is twenty sizes too small.  You guys seriously think this looks OK?  Oh honey, just…no.

Don’t become this guy above.  There is no hope if this is you already.You are just too far gone, and need to admit yourself to the closest psych facility.

Let’s be honest-THIS is the shirt you should be wearing.

What do we get out of this?  POPPED COLLARS ARE NOT OK!!  You will not land the girl, and you will not get laid.  Just sayin’.

Love, Esme


2 Responses to “PSA-This Is NEVER Ok!”

  1. thoughtsappear March 10, 2011 at 4:40 am #

    You said “the shocker” and I snickered a little. Sorry, sometimes I’m really immature.

    I think that crooked hat and popped collars come as a set.

    Excellent post!

  2. j March 10, 2011 at 1:48 pm #

    The world thanks you for this PSA.

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