Most Embarrassing Sex Moment

14 Jan

At the end of Simmarah’s post at the end of our project, she wrote about her top 5 awkward moments.  As I was writing my list, I really sat and tried to think of awkward moments.  I would have made it way more interesting, right??  Not like this bitch needs help being more interesting, but come on…we all like reading of other people’s misfortunes!

So I was driving in my car yesterday when it hit me…oh my god I know what my most embarrassing/awkward moment was!!  How could I fucking forget?!? I didn’t tell ANYONE this story for so long.  Once I came to terms with the fact it truly is a hilarious story, I started telling.  Now, it has made the rounds many times.  And I often have to re-tell this shit at parties.  It’s a good thing I can laugh at myself…

I hope I can write it justice…let’s see…

I am not telling the name of the person it happened with.  We will call him Mark…as in Wahlberg…a girl can fucking dream…

Mark and I had only been dating a short time.  Like a couple of weeks short time.  We had yet to sleep together, although I had spent the night at his place a number of times (I prefer this to someone sleeping at my place…my place is my sanctuary).  We had ordered pizza in, and had each had a few drinks.  Not too many, but enough to lower our inhibitions.  And when inhibitions are lowered, and you are sexually attracted to the person you are sitting/laying next to, you are drawn to each other like magnets.  It’s just the law of the universe.

We literally made out for three hours…yes, three. How do I know three?  Read on hookers, read on.

So we made out like teenagers for three hours.  It was SO MUCH FUN exploring each others bodies, learning where to touch to make their heart beat faster, etc, that we just didn’t stop.  But finally, it was time to get down to business.  I was tied up in knots, he was looking for the end result.  It was just time. I get up, dig through my purse, and just freeze.

M: What’s wrong?

E: I don’t have the condoms.  I FORGOT THE FUCKING CONDOMS!!!

M: (laughing) That’s OK Esme, I have some.

E: No, you don’t understand!  I have a latex allergy.  A bad one.  Severe.  And I have polyurethane condoms, and I forgot them at home!  (At this point I was almost in tears, cursing all the fates)

M: Well get dressed, we are going to the store.  We are finishing this shit.

E: What?  No, Mark.  Let’s just get some sleep.

But we got up and got dressed.  We literally looked liked we were in the middle of fooling around, and had to run out for condoms.  I REFUSED to go into the store.  Absolutely fucking refused.  I told him what he needed to get.  Polyurethane.  Not lambskin.  Got it?

Mark came out of store one, no luck.  We went to store two…no luck.  Store three…he had a bag in his hand.  SUCCESS!  Mark gets back into his truck and said: None of the kind you need, so I bought the lambskin.  How bad can they be?  (How bad indeed?  It has been since college, maybe they are better now?)

We get back to his house, clothes come off once more, and we are back into our state of let’s fucking DO THIS! He unwraps the lambskin condom, and the real fun begins.

M: OH MY GOD!  This shit fucking smells!  Oh man, oh man…and it feels really slimy!  And it looks like a lima bean!!  What the fuck is this thing, Esme?!?!  Is this a joke?  It’s a joke, right?  Are these for fucking real??? Am I being Punked? Where the fuck is Ashton?

E: Ok, Mark, let’s just forget it.  (I was kind of embarrassed at this point.  I know they suck, I should have tapped out prior to this moment.)

M: Holy shit it gets fucking better!!!  There is a goddamned DRAWSTRING!  It is at the top of the condom!  Am I really supposed to put this thing on my dick and pull the fucking drawstring??  Do I tie it off?  Tie a bow?  Wrap it around my balls?  Esme!!  Fucking look at this shit!!  Ah-hahahaha!!  It looks like skin of a fucking sausage! That’s what it is!!  A sausage skin!  Get it?  Oh my god this is the best thing EVER!!

By this point, I had already rolled over and faced away from him.  I was absolutely mortified.  I couldn’t believe my allergy, which I can’t fucking control, is causing all of this.  I kept telling him to please stop, to please just let it go and go to sleep.  I understood the reason why he was carrying on was because of nervous energy, but I was just…mortified.  It is the only was to describe it.  MOR-TI-FI-CATION.  If someone can actually die of embarrassment, I would have then and there.

I stayed quiet after that.  Mark went to the bathroom, and when he laid back down he wrapped me up in his arms.  I continued to stay quiet.  I had no desire to talk about what just happened.  After we both were quiet for quite some time, Mark finally spoke up.  I still said nothing.  I just wanted to erase it from memory.

Mark and I are still friends, even though we no longer date.  For the longest time, he took great pride in bringing that night up and watching me die of embarrassment.  He thinks it’s the funniest shit EVER.

It wasn’t until a few months ago, when I was telling Jadyn this, that I realized its a veritable gold mine of story telling.  She had tears rolling down her cheeks, and she couldn’t stop laughing.  I couldn’t even get through the story without laughing!  Apparently the story has made the rounds, because when I go out with Jadyn and someone I haven’t seen in a while, or haven’t met, she requests it.  And I tell it again, in all it’s glory.  And every time I tell it, I laugh harder.  And so does she.  Even my mom has heard this story…and thinks it is fucking hilarious.

The one question I always get asked…Did you and Mark ever sleep together?  No, no we did not.  We didn’t even date for much longer.  That night cast a pall over our relationship…set the tone, so to speak!  So there was no fucking.  I’m not even sure we could have, even with the right condoms…

Much love, Esme

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4 Responses to “Most Embarrassing Sex Moment”

  1. Simmarah January 14, 2011 at 12:55 pm #

    OOmmggg I am dying laughing over here too. He totally freaked out over NOTHING! You think he would have shut up to get laid you know? lol. I should do a follow-up, I have more more more of these type of embarassing moments too!!

    • Esme January 14, 2011 at 6:25 pm #

      I don’t think he could have preformed with the condom…he was just not into it after that!

  2. CB January 14, 2011 at 4:48 pm #

    Dude!!! I’m allergic to latex too!!!!!

    You’re so much better than me though… I was just prone to have unprotected sex rather than deal with the lambskin shit!!!!

    • Esme January 14, 2011 at 5:59 pm #

      I wish I could say I am much better…but I have my moments of weakness 😉 Very few, though. Veeeeeeerrrrrrrry few. Like we have been dating for a while! I fucking HATE that damn allergy!!!

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