A Little Bit More Serious

22 Oct

Some of my loyal readers may be picking up on the fact that I haven’t had as many ‘first dates’ lately.  I used to go out on, damn, like 1-3 of them a week.  The last year has been a fucking whirlwind health wise, and right at this point in time, I feel like writing about it.  So I am going to.  Read on if you want to.  It’s not about dating, sex, fucking, etc.  It’s my real-life. Everything else I have been doing has revolved around what I am going to write about below…

For those who don’t know, and I think most do, I am a firefighter/paramedic.  About a year ago, give or take a few months since I am not trying to establish a timeline for some stalker/fucker out there, I was injured in the line of duty.  It has been a long road to recovery, one that may never be finished.  It is still, as of yet, unclear if I will be able to return to firefighting.  I miss it.  I crave the adrenaline rush.  I miss the camaraderie.  I miss walking into the firehouse, yelling ‘guess who got laid last night!’ and getting high fives around the dinner table.  The good news-? for me is I can still be a paramedic.  Does this make much sense?  Not to me…So I can’t walk a roof, or carry someone down a ladder, but I can carry a fat-ass down the stairs?  Hmm…no, not much sense.  But I work with what I am given.  So I am dealing with that.

Then I was dealt with some other health issues…

Sometime ago I threw blood clots.  The works…bilateral pulmonary emboli, DVT, TIA.  Fucking lucky I am sitting here writing this shit…but I overcame and persevered, because it’s what I fucking DO.  WITH STYLE.  And not too long ago, I came down with meningitis, the viral variety.  It took me six weeks to overcome that shit.  Six.  Weeks.  That is six times longer then the average person.  That time period lead to more tests, more doctors appointments, more waiting and wondering.  And yesterday I received test results.

Rewind some…the blood clots I threw in the past…those were caused by something called


Yes, I wrote it big because apparently it is a pretty big fucking deal.  If you want to know a lot about it, you have to wikipedia it.  But basically I lack folate, b-12, and b-6.  And the combination of these three, and the lack of it, causes an abnormally large amount of homocysteine in the blood.  (All caused by a defective gene).  It damages the lining of arteries and veins, and causes blood clots.  Also an increase chance of heart attack, stoke, and other cardiovascular diseases.  Sounds so simple to treat, right?  Esme, take some fucking vitamins!  I do, bitches!!!  But it doesn’t give me the amount I need.  And taking too many of said vitamins will cause the same problems…heart attack, stroke, cardiovascular issues, and decreased kidney function.  So, the treatment has the same effect as the disease.

Fast forward, then rewind, to yesterday.  I was sitting in the doctor’s office and he came in reading my test results.  Hey Esme!  He said, Good news!  No auto-immune diseases!  But your C-Reactive Protein is high.  Like really high.  My what, I ask?  He repeated it.  I asked how to treat it.

He went on to explain that in my case, it is used as a marker.  It is often seen when there is an infection in the body.  However, I have no infection.  And the test was run a number of times, so it is not wrong.  He said that in my case (He said that about 30 times…I wanted to punch him in the balls and give him a case) it means I am at a greatly increased risk for a stroke or other cardiovascular events.  But he is worried about a stroke since I have already thrown clots.  How much more of a risk, I asked?  He shrugged his shoulders and said he can’t guess, but it is on top of the homocysteine risk.  Said if I have a headache, confusion, any kind of weirdness, I need to go to the ED right-the-fuck-away.  Ummm…that is like all-the-damn-time.  Fucking seriously????

He then went on to explain that losing weight and exercise will help to reduce some of the risk.  I told him I have recently lost 30 pounds, that I don’t feel like I need to lose anymore.  He said to exercise more.  Stay active.  Take my medicine.  See all my doctors.  So what, I said, I’m like living on borrowed time here?  Like one day I will be walking around with a friend of mine and-BAM-I’m going to have a fucking stroke?  Just like that? 2, 5, or 10 years from now?  Is it that fucking serious?

Esme, he said to me, we all live on borrowed time.  None of us know when we are going to die, and none of us know how we are going to die.  And there is nothing in your tests results that say when it is going to happen.  It may be 2 years from now in a car accident.  It may be 50 years from now with a heart attack.  Be thankful you know about this so you can help lower the risk.  Take the medicine.  Exercise regularly.  Live happy and stress-free (I snorted).  Go out and enjoy your life!

It was a gut-punch.  No one in my family is unhealthy.  A little crazy maybe, but not unhealthy.  But somehow, two people came together and made a defective-gene child. And only me…brothers are healthy.  AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!  OK, I feel better now.  And today, it’s not so bad.  I do exercise, thanks to the therapy needed for my injury, but this is going to jump-start a more kick-ass work-out.  I’m going to use this as a reason to help me live better and stronger.  And with more of a purpose.  Hopefully I won’t let so much of the small shit bother me.  OK, really, I can sit here and spout all of the crap I want about how this news will change my life, but only time will truly tell.  Because honestly, I am still reeling some.  But I would like to think that’s what I would do!  So to my fellow skanks out there…if I ever start to feel sorry for myself, please remind me I could be a fucking vegetable in a nursing home.  That will snap me right the fuck out of it!

ALRIGHT!  So dating…yes, there has been a drop in first dates.  I have been turning them down while I have been trying to figure some things out.  Didn’t need to add fucking ass-hats to the mix.  Now that the health crisis is solved, that is one thing down!  The job issue will work its self out, so I am not too worried about that.  It may be time to stop turning down said ass-hats…

Much love, Esme


2 Responses to “A Little Bit More Serious”

  1. Ric October 24, 2010 at 7:58 am #

    You don’t want ass hats…lol…you know that despite everything…when its our time….its our time. Live each day as its your last…have fun…but be safe about it. Not too careless….Im your brother and I care…xoxoox

    • Esme October 24, 2010 at 11:06 pm #

      Agreed. None of us have an ‘expiration date’, so there is no need to sit and worry about it! All each of us can do is live our lives to the fullest…and try not to date ass-hats!

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