This Could Get Interesting…

12 Oct

I’m not even sure who to address this letter to, so I will just write.

I have been recovering from being sick, spending a lot of time on my mom’s couch-and a lot of time at the doctor’s office.  As I have been feeling better, I have been trying to get my life back in order.  I have been getting back in contact with friends, old boyfriends, and boys I was supposed to date.  Here is a lowdown…

Irish-man has been in contact with me again.  He initiated contact this time, which really surprised me.  I think I may just see him again…but it may just all depend…

Doctor has thrown marriage on the table.  This didn’t surprise me, but the timing did.  Like I am thinking marriage?  And he wants a committment.  He is ‘willing to wait, no matter how long’, but he wants me to ‘be his girl’.  I’m sorry…I do have super strong feelings for him…probably love…but I am not about to give up viable dating years for someone 3200 miles away when I have no idea when or if I am going to move back to Old State.  Would I?  Possibly.  Will I?  Not sure.  An honest moment here…I can see Doctor and I working.  I really can.  I just don’t want that right now.  We still talk once a week, and he still tells me he will wait for me.  So only time will tell.

Now about Nice Guy…hmmm…where do I begin???  Nice Guy and I still communicate once a day.  More than once a day. Usually by phone, with conversations that last on average 3 hours.  If we don’t talk, we email 10-20 times a day.  Even if we talk we still e-mail. We had that great trip to Vegas.  We have deep conversations, lots of laughs, and a phenomenal friendship.  He has seen me through a horrible illness, fears of auto-immune diseases, and bouts of psychosis brought on by large amounts of narcotics (prescribed, of course!).  He has been, in all respects, the best friend I could have ever asked for.

Nice Guy has had one date, a highly unsuccessful one, since he has broken up with me.  I have a secret belief that, for him, I am the ‘one that got away’.  And-you will never read this here again-I believe that out of all the guys I have dated thus far he is THE ONE.  Got it?  Now forget it.  Because I also believe we will never be together.

If you remember, we never consummated our relationship.  As in we never had sex.  Not while we were dating.  Not while we were in Vegas drunk out of our minds while we both needed a great *ahem* time.  In fact, Nice Guy has not gotten dirty and done the deed in almost a year because he is a genuine NICE GUY.  He needs an emotional attachment to get down and dirty.  Quite the opposite of me, I would say…

So why am I telling you all of this?  Here is why.  Last week I had a particularly bad week.  He sent me an e-mail asking me if I wanted to come visit (remember he lives in a different state).  He wrote that he has well over 200,000 miles and would like to bring me up for a long weekend.  This Thursday to Tuesday.  Change of scenery, change of pace.  My response?  Hell yeah I would love to come for a visit!  Ever since he has made the plans, our conversations have been focused around my visit.  He has made plans at a really nice hotel at a really nice place in a really nice town for two nights.  He is taking me out to an expensive dinner.  Then today he told me he has really been missing the intimacy we have shared.  Remember, we’ve had no sex.  Nothing even remotely close.  Just kissing and a lot of cuddling.  I said I have missed that as well.  And I truly have.  With him more than anyone else.  I just feel so damn safe when I am in his arms.  When you are a victim of domestic violence, feeling safe is such an amazing feeling.  THEN he said: ‘You know how I have to feel really comfortable with someone before I have sex with them?’  I laughed, and asked him if he was finally going to give me what I want.  His response caught me off guard.  ‘I’m just not ruling anything out this weekend, as long as it is OK.  I really miss you.  I am so excited to see you.  I can’t wait two more damn days.  Get your ass on that damn plane!!’  I responded by telling him I can’t wait to see him, and I can’t wait to see what the weekend holds for us.

Since I found out I was going to see him, I have been as giddy as a school girl.  I have been afraid to let my excitement show, worried it wasn’t reciprocated.  Now I know it is.  I still don’t believe we will wind up together.  I still don’t believe we even belong together. But I know feelings are there for the both of us, whatever they may be.  I’m not worried about what may happen, or if anything may happen.  I am just going to enjoy the time I do have with him, as it is all there may be.

Love, Esme


2 Responses to “This Could Get Interesting…”

  1. Suchmaschine October 26, 2010 at 10:56 pm #

    Man, talk about a fantastic post! I?ve stumbled across your blog a few times within the past, but I usually forgot to bookmark it. But not again! Thanks for posting the way you do, I genuinely appreciate seeing someone who actually has a viewpoint and isn?t really just bringing back up crap like nearly all other writers today. Keep it up!

    • Esme October 27, 2010 at 11:29 am #

      Thank you for the compliment! Happy reading!
      Love, Esme

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