This One May Take The Cake!

29 Apr

Dear Redneck,

I really think you may have taken the blue ribbon for worst first date conversation EVER.

I, against my better judgement, let someone set us up.  I knew nothing about you.  We didn’t talk prior to the date, and our one-and-only text just confirmed the time and place of the date.  Let’s just recap what happened, shall we?

The no good, bad, and very ugly-

  • You wanted to meet at a bar in the bowling alley.  And I for some reason went along with it.
  • You were filthy…hands dirty, clothes all messed up.
  • Literally two minutes into the date, you told me your three rules for being your woman…never look at your phone, never look in your wallet, and never try to stab you.
  • You have eight (EIGHT!) children, but that it’s not as bad as it sounds since it is with three different women.  And even though they all have mothers, it would be awesome of me if I wanted to make them breakfast before school when they are over.
  • Amazingly enough, after that you told me you are not that into sex. That it should only be used when you feel the need to make a connection with someone…never as a time-filler, never because you are bored, never because you are just plain horny.
  • Then you told me you are not much of a boob-man.  You said you are not a fan of playing with breasts during sex, but if it is something I enjoy, you will do it for a minute or two.  But that’s it.
  • Apparently it is OK if I don’t want to see you everyday, but I need to check in with you once a day…even if it is through text message.
  • Not that all of that wasn’t worth me walking out on you, this one was the last straw.  You said you have never been mad enough to hit a woman, and I should consider keeping it that way.

I mean, WOW.  I was speechless while you were talking.  I had a small smile on my face because I was just imagining how this letter would go.  When you remarked about the last bullet point, I lost my smile and became angry.  I have a very twisted sense of humor and can laugh at just about anything.  However, as a past victim of domestic violence, I DO NOT tolerate any jokes or mention of DV.  I put a quick end to the date and walked out.  You somehow managed to think I left because I didn’t feel good, and I have received texts all day asking me if I feel better.  I have ignored them.

Even prior to the domestic violence comment, you were not scoring any points!  I don’t understand the thought process behind any of those conversations.  And I really can’t even respond to anything you said…speechless!

Love, Esme


One Response to “This One May Take The Cake!”


  1. Confessions « Love, Esme - August 29, 2012

    […] the timeline so I couldn’t be pinpointed.  I wrote about some of the more interesting dates (8 kids, anyone?), the scary dates (like when I was almost date-raped), and the two failed relationships I should […]

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