Update On Perfect

9 Oct

Dear Perfect,

Well, I have been proven weak.  However, I think we are both weak.  We both can’t be without each other right now.  But as a bonus, we are still on the same page.  We even talk about what is going to happen when one of us decides to start dating.

I think the reason why we work at this point in time is this.  Each of us has decided we are comfortable with the ways things are.  You have decided you don’t want to date, aren’t ready to date.  I have decided to take a break from the dating scene.  After all of the crap…ugh.  I just want to stick with what I know.  Is it a cop-out?  Yes.  I will admit it.  I think I don’t want to think about the alternatives.  I think I don’t want to think about my feelings, the problems that can arise.

But let’s explore, shall we?  It needs to come out at some time.

1.  My feelings for you.  Are they there?  Yes.  Do you return them?  I am almost positive, as I sit and write this, that you do.  My heart still flutters when I see you.  You still light up when you see me.  I know that we are at different points in our life.  You still haven’t been able to emotionally detach yourself from your ex-wife.  I know that, no matter your feelings for me, you can not love me the way that I deserve to be loved.  I KNOW this.  And sometimes it is hard to swallow.

2.  We both, right now, crave the same things.  The need to feel wanted.  Appreciated.  We both need human touch.  We both realize the power of it.  Either one of us is able to pick up the phone and say: “I am having a bad day.  I just really need to be held”.  And we know, if we can’t get together at that point in time, we will very soon.  Sometimes we do nothing but snuggle on the couch.  And other times…

3.  The sex, the sex, the sex.  I can’t even begin to explain our sex life.  It is phenomenal.  Amazing.  Indescribable.  You have awakened my body, my desires.  You took the time to show me I truly wasn’t broken.  You have let me ride the waves of ecstasy time and time again, without taking anything in return.  And it is never just sex.  There is cuddling, talking, whispers of sweet nothings.  You make me feel beautiful.  You make me feel wanted.  You make me feel like a damn goddess…And for that, I can never thank you enough.  And after sex, I usually wind up spending the night.  You hold me as I fall asleep, with a smile on my face.  Right now, I never want to have sex with anybody else.

4.  Our relationship isn’t purely physical.  We go out as friends often.  We get our kids together to play.  We have a date set for a day trip to go hiking…just to get away from it all.  I really enjoy these times together.  We talk about the direction each of our lives are taking.  We complain about our ex’s.  We talk about politics, the environment.  It doesn’t matter.  We just talk.  And it is awesome.  You will text me randomly throughout the day.  Hey, what’s up?  What are you doing?  I look forward to those messages.  It means you are thinking about me.  Will we ever lose that?  I am afraid we will when…

5.  One of us meets someone.  I have gone out on a couple of dates since we have started this relationship.  And I haven’t felt guilty about it.  We have said this is a no commitment  relationship.  None of these guys has gone anywhere, obviously.  You have known about these dates.  You give me advice.  You have yet to date, at least that I have known about.  I have thought about how I would feel if you came to me and told me you have met someone.  I think it would be a gut check.  Maybe even a devastating blow.  I truly treasure our time together, and I don’t want it to end.  Let’s be honest…I want you to want me.  Only me.  I am a hippocrite.  I have gone out.  I have talked about it.  In the back of my mind, I have wondered how it affects you.  Maybe I should ask…

6.  My last concern has to do with your kids.  Your kids are becoming attached to me.  They call and ask me to come over and play.  Their mother does nothing with them.  I read to them.  I play princess with them.  I snuggle on the couch with them.  We pay dress up.  No wonder they tell me they love me.  So what happens to them?  We have talked about this problem.  You told me, no matter what, you want me in their life.  You want them to be able to talk to me if they have a problem.  You want me to be a constant.  I love your girls.   I have no problem with this.  But your future wife might.

So there you go.  My issues, my concerns.  What will happen between us?  Where will we be in a few months?  I don’t know.  I am definitely OK with where we are right now.  I just wonder how I will feel when we change…

Love, Esme

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